Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Matt34]

What do you call 50 something millionaires standing around the TV watching the Superbowl? The Packers!

Go Bears!!!!

 

[njedpx3]

The Best Smart *** Answers of the year!!


SMART *** ANSWER #5


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART *** ANSWER #4


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'


SMART *** ANSWER #3


The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART *** ANSWER #2


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-*** student, Alex, in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well Alex, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


A BONUS EXTRA


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

 

[STRONGBADF1]

A mom is cleaning her teenage son's room and finds a stash of bondage and fetish mags so she asks her husband what to do and his only advice was "whatever you do don't spank him"!!

 

[psbfan9]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
buddies, Ol and Sven

The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time
members of a hunt camp.

Ole arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Ole said, 'Vell, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him
over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Ole said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Sven in to confirm the identity of the body.

Sven looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll
him over... 'The mortician rolled him over and Sven said, 'No, it ain't
Stanley .'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sven said, 'Well, Stanley had two ********.'

'What? He had two ********?'
asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody
used to say:

"Here comes Stanley with them two ********."

 

[njedpx3]

Why I like Walmart - Job Interview-dawson-2-21-11

WALMART INTERVIEW

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people
who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get
the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.


'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm.....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply..

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh+t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You will probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.


Take Care, Good Soiund and Good video,

Forest Man

 

[Rickster71]

Caddies say some funny things

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

 

[GoFastr]

Dem Jamaicans!

Not bashing Jamaicans here since my wife's family is from there.



A Jamaican farmer named Ralph had an accident with a lorry and
was suing the lorry company. In court their hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Ralph.

Solicitor: 'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine?'

Ralph: 'Well , I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite cow Bessie into the...'

Solicitor: 'I didn't ask for any details , just answer the question.
Did you not tell the police officer at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine !" ?'

Ralph: 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down
the road.....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honor , I am trying to establish the fact that , at the scene
of the accident this man told the police that he was fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe
he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ralph's answer and
said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow Bessie'.

Ralph thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying , I had just loaded Bessie , my favorite cow ,
into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge
lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the
side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurt very bad and I didn't want to move. However , I could
hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a policeman on a
motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition , he took out his
gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came charging across the road , gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said 'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now what the Rass would you have said'?

 

[markw]

Old Seamus was dying, so he called his son over to his deathbed and says "You know the forest around our house, boy?"

His son says "Yes, I know it well, father."

Seamus replies "I planted that forest, tree by tree, with me own two hands. took me two long hard years to plant that forest. but do they call me Seamus the forest planter? No, they don't.

You you know the fence around our house boy? " His son nods. ""I built that fence with me own two hands. took six long months to build that fence hell I've built most of the fences around town, but do they call me Seamus the fence builder? No, they don't.

You see this house that you grew up in boy?" The son says "I see it father" So seamus says " "Ibuilt this house, just me, with me own two hands! I worked 3 long hard years to build this house. But nobody ever called me Seamus the house builder!

...but you fluk one goat. . ."

 

[markw]

A lady found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the drug store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, don't ride your bicycle for about a week."

 

[DTS-HD MA]

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> George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
> While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
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> The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
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> Putin asks to call Russia , and he talks for 5 minutes.
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> When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost of the call is a million dollars.
> So Putin writes the devil a check for the charges.
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> Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
> is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,
> so she also writes a check for the charges.
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> Finally George Bush gets his turn,
> and he talks for over 4 hours. When he is
> finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
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> When Putin hears this, he just goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
> got to call the USA so cheaply.
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> The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
> gone to hell, so it's a local call."


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[Tarub]

Retired

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village.

On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same
six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk
to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her

Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?

Yes,' she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes -
they're having a garage sale.




Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

 

[Rickster71]

Ed and Nancy

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.


When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.
In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

[itschris]

We need more jokes!!!!!!!!!! I have an executive staff meeting tomorrow and want to set the tone and freak out the whipper-snappers with a gross display of un-corporate like non-political correctness.

 

[markw]

You mean they've heard all 74 pages worth of jokes?

Monkey walks into a bar and gets right in the bartender's face, smiles, and says "Got any cheeeeeese?"

Bartender is in a bad mood and says "NO, Now go away!"

Next day, same monkey walks into same bar and gets right in the same bartender's face, smiles, and says "Got any cheeeeeeese?"

Bartender, still in a bad mood and says "NO, Now go away, and if I see you here again I'll nail your feet to the floor!"

Next day, same monkey walks into same bar and gets right in the same bartender's face and says "Got any nails?"

Bartender, looking confused, says "no."

Monkey smiles and says, "Got any cheeeeeeese?"

 

[darien87]

Guy walks into the front door of a bar, obviously already intoxicated. He stumbles up to the bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry sir but you're drunk and I can't serve you." The man mumbles to himself and stumbles back out the door.

A few minutes later the drunk stumbles into the bar through a side door. Again he makes his way to the bar and attempts to order a drink. The bartender again tells him, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you a drink." The man mumbles and stumbles back out to the street.

A few minutes later the drunk stumbles back into the bar this time through the back door. The bartender exasperated tells the drunk, "Sir, I keep telling you there is no way you are getting a drink!"

The drunk says, "Jesus Christ, how many bars do you work at?"

 

[itschris]

These two gay guys are visiting the zoo. While at the ape exhibit, the gay guy notices the big Silverback Gorilla has a huge hard on. After giggling and gawking for a few minutes, he can't stand it anymore and reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, pulls him into the cage and lays the pipe to him for six hours straight then throws him out of the cage. The waiting emergency people rush him to the hospital.

The next day, his partner comes to see him.

"Are you hurt?" he asks.

"OF COURSE I'M HURT! A WHOLE DAY HAS PASSED AND HASN'T CALLED OR WRITTEN!"

 

[adwilk]

These two gay guys are visiting the zoo.

Not that there's anything wrong with that....

 

[Tarub]

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Scarlett Johansson starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (I.e ., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with The guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

 

[markw]

Fluctuations - Perhaps not politically correct.

A Chinese gentleman walks into a bank to exchange a stack of yuan. He gives it to the teller who then counts out three hundred American Dollars.

The man counts the money and says “Hey. You cheat me. Last week I come bring in same amount of yuan and I get four hundred dolla. Why you do this?

The teller looks at the guy and says, politely “fluctuations”.

The Chinese guy scowls and says in, an angry, confrontational fashion “What you say?”

The teller replies, this time a little irritated “Fluctuations! I said FUCTUATIONS!”

The Chinese guy, now really angry says “Oh Yeah? Well FLUCK YOU, rite boy!”

 

[STRONGBADF1]

Took me a second...