Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Halon451]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word.
We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said,Hey Batman ... what's for dinner??

 

[stratman]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word.
We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said,Hey Batman ... what's for dinner??

Now that cracked me up!!

 

[Halon451]

Another gem... sure to offend someone I'm sure.

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia, North and South Carolina.

 

[stratman]

Good!...........but, not: "what's for dinner batman," when ever that pops into my head I start cracking up like an idiot, wherever I'm at. By the way the cavewife didn't think it was funny...

 

[Halon451]

Good!...........but, not: "what's for dinner batman," when ever that pops into my head I start cracking up like an idiot, wherever I'm at. By the way the cavewife didn't think it was funny...

No doubt, the batman joke is priceless.

 

[Rickster71]

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island.
After a few days he decides to take the dog and reconnoiter the island.
He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep.
He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself: "I'll never be that desperate."

Sooooo, a few weeks later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock.
Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go.
He snaps out of it, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself.

This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy starts to get really pissed at the dog.

Then one day, the man spies a life-raft bobbing in the surf.
In the raft is a beautiful young girl, barely alive. He takes her back to his hut, revives her and nurses her to health.
After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her....

She confronts the man: "I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want"

"Anything?"

"Anything!!"

"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!"

 

[stratman]

Hey how's Sheep going to feel about this??!!

 

[mouettus]

No doubt, the batman joke is priceless.

It's an "epic success" lol.

 

[Halon451]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know,,,,,,,,, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

 

[markw]

After winning a big case, two lawyers decide to celebrate by taking an ocean cruise. All goes well for the first few days but, as luck would have it, the boiler explodes and the boat sinks in the middle of nowhere.

The two lawyers cling onto a life preserver and wind up drifting towards a small island with one coconut palm tree on it. The coconuts and fish provide their food but wanting to be rescued, they decide to take turns climbing up to the top of the tree to look for passing boats.

This goes on for weeks. Finally, one day the guy up top yells down “Hey! I think I see something out there.”

The other guy says “What is it?” The guy up top says “I can’t tell. It’s too far away but it seems to be drifting in our direction.”

The next day, the other guy up top says “I see it too. It’s definitely drifting towards us!”

So, over the next few days they track its progress. The guy up top says, “I see clearer now. It looks like it’s small raft with someone in it.”

The next day it’s even closer. The guy up top says “It’s definitely coming our way and, believe it or not, I think there’s a naked lady in it!”

Finally, it washes up on their island. In it is a beautiful but unconscious blonde.

The one lawyer says to the other “Ya know, it’s been a long time for both of us. Do ya think we could? we could… uh… you know.”

The other lawyer says “Do WHAT??? Spit it out already!”

The first lawyer said. “It’s been a long time. I’m going crazy. Do you think we could, uh… you know, …screw her?”

The second lawyer says “Outta what? This lousy rubber raft”?

 

[haraldo]

Here in Bergen it's known to be raining a lot, and sometimes during the fall, even more than a lot...... the following must be seen in that context.

Two US tourists had set their holiday for Bergen in the fall of late October this time of year it always rains, and they were getting tired of this...

The tourists approached a local boy at the center city square and asked him: "Hello there, can you please tell me, does it always rain in Bergen?"

Whereas the boy replies: "I don't know, I'm only ten years old"

 

[Halon451]

More from the Campaign trail...

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

I'm voting for the Pilot...

 

[Phil Taylor]

A High Jumper walks into a bar - his coach hollered "C'mon - you didn't even try!"

 

[Rickster71]

Hope this isn't a repeat:

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes
over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

 

[mouettus]

Rickster... your jokes always make me laugh out loud litteraly. Where do you get them?

Keep postin'!

 

[Rickster71]

Rickster... your jokes always make me laugh out loud litteraly. Where do you get them?

Keep postin'!

Thanks mouettus, I just got that one by email.

 

[mouettus]

Thanks mouettus, I just got that one by email.

Always sex/old couples jokes! haha

How's your wife doin'? lol

 

[Rickster71]

Always sex/old couples jokes! haha

How's your wife doin'? lol

Today's Saturday, so it's my lucky night.

 

[Halon451]

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called
the 'Style Invitational'.

The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unibomber) in the same limerick.

Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:

Third Place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second Place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

 

[Rickster71]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their
lips to the mirror
leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean
the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little
princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to
show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators.