Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[mouettus]

A Canadian, an Englishman and an American were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Canadian says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The Englishman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even have a license!"

But the American still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"

 

[Halon451]

A young man from Minnesota moved to Florida and went to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Minnesota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid said "One". The boss said "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid replied "$101, 237.65". "$101,237.65?" said the boss. "What the heck did you sell?" Answered the kid, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

 

[masak_aer]

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you’d better hurry up and try harder! it’s starting to rain, and the top is down!

 

[Rickster71]

Bono, lead singer of U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being a bit self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies"

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet...
"Well, f**kin stop doin it then, ya evil bas tard!"

 

[rnatalli]

I don't know if this one has been posted, but here goes:

The pope decided to visit the US. After spending time in NYC, he decided he didn't want to ride in his motorcade. Instead, he wanted to ride in a taxi like any other person. His entourage said that it's completely out of the question. But, this is the pope so ultimately what he says goes. They call a cab and the pope climbs into the back. While driving, the pope decides he wants to drive. Again, his entourage said it was out of the question and even the taxi driver was opposed. But, this is the pope. The taxi driver reluctantly climbs into the back and pope starts driving. While driving, the pope rear-ends the car in front of him. The first police car arrives on the scene and decides to call HQ. The officer tells his boss that he has a real situation with someone of real importance involved in a car accident. His boss frantically asks if the mayor was involved in an accident. The officer says it's not the mayor, but someone even more important. His boss frantically asks if it's the governor. Again, the officer tells him it's someone even more important. His boss says "oh my god is it the president?" The officer says "no it isn't the president." His boss says "who the hell is this person." And the officer says "I don't know, but he had the pope driving him around town!"

 

[EYEdROP0]

Whats the difference between a Bose 3-2-1 system and a plank of wood? The plank of wood floats.

 

[mouettus]

First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

 

[unreal.freak]

I cant take any credit for this joke....a friend sent it to me in an email. hope it isnt a repeat


The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour , th e man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "South Dakota."

"Re ally!" she said. "I have family in South Dakota."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[Halon451]

Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

To my surprise, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Rickster71]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[speakerman39]

Back when I used to get visitation with my daughter, she kinda got used to me taking her out to eat. One time, I decided to go eat Chinese but she would have no part of it. As such, I got her a "Happy-Meal" from McDonalds and went ahead to the Chinese buffet. Once there, she seen me eating some "Terriyakki" chicken. All of a sudden, I hear my daughter say.......mmmmmmm...... that looks good. So, I offered her a bite and she really really liked it. In fact, she asked what was it-told her "Terriyakkii" chicken.

Over the next month or so she asked me if we were going to go out to eat again. I said yes. Then, she asked me if we could go get some "Karaoake" chicken. I said "Karaoake" chicken....... Then, it dawned on me that she meant "Terriyakkii" chicken NOT "Karaoake"........LOL!!!!!! Anyways, I though it was funny and still bring it up once in a while. She is now 19 years-old.

Cheers,

Phil

 

[Rickster71]

BLACK TESTICLES

Gary is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,

Still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse Andrea appears to give him a partial sponge bath


Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, Andrea replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash
Your upper body and feet. He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my
Testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
She overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
Other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says,


'There's nothing wrong with them Sir!!'

Gary pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
Says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but,
Listen very, very closely...

"Are - my - test - results - back!"

 

[jostenmeat]

Sooo... there was a blonde, brunette, and a redhead having quite the animated discussion.

The redhead exclaims, "I'm so exicted to have a baby boy, since we did it missionary style". The girls respond, "Oh, how sweet!"...

The brunette replies enthusiastically, "Oh, Im having a baby girl since I was on top..."...

They expectantly look towards the blonde for a response, but she now appears shocked.

"Oh my God!", she exclaims, "I'm going to have puppies!".

 

[Halon451]

Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them are color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them are in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I Like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. And the head and a$$ are interchangeable !!

 

[haraldo]

Halon, where the he... do you get all those jokes from

10 days and counting.......

 

[Halon451]

Halon, where the he... do you get all those jokes from

10 days and counting.......

I have a source, and all I will say is that his name is "Larry".

 

[haraldo]

I have a source, and all I will say is that his name is "Larry".

Thank you Larry
(8 days and counting)

 

[Rickster71]

Thoughts for the weekend:




I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Why does an OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

 

[croseiv]

Why doesn't a chicken coupe have four doors????



















Because then it would be a chicken sedan.....

 

[markw]

Why does Ariel (Walt Disney's "The Little Mermaid") wear sea shells?

Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.