Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[haraldo]

Maniac Bikers

This is a true story and it happened an ugly winter’s day in Oslo, Norway. This was early in the morning as “Per”, an employee of Ivarans Shipping Services was driving to work. The weather was as bad as it possibly can get in Norway at midwinter. If you don't know you haven't got a clue how bad..... It was freezing, sleet in the air, and you could barely see past the front of the car. It was at this instance that he noticed a lady on a bicycle coming from his right, it looked like an exocet rocket coming from the dark, almost at the speed of light. The lady hit the center of the right front wing of the car and she looked almost like a professional ski jumper as she “flew” across the front of the car. If this was a ski jumping contest she would certainly be awarded a 5 times 20, which is the highest possible score in ski jumping. Per was shocked, before he even got to the brake, it was all over.

Per stopped the car as quickly as he possibly could, and jumped into the trenches where the lady was lying completely still, she was not moving at all and to be honest, she seemed to be DEAD. Even more, she had some white stuff around her mouth, well in fact, all over her face, this looked like some kind of drewl. Per now got flashes of the future he was looking at, years upon years behind the bars….
Before Per even got to touch the lady to check if she was really dead, she leaped up in front of him, and told him, “Gee, that was a close call”. In a state of shock, Per asked the lady if she was alright, and what that white drewl on her face was ?

The lady quickly replied. “Oh, no worries, I’m quite alright. You know, to save myself a few minutes in the morning I brush my teeth as I am riding the bike to work, and the white stuff, that’s toothpaste, is that a problem ?”

 

[Halon451]

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave." The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[haraldo]

The old farmer had a large pond in the back................

hilarious

 

[sparky77]

The Doctor said 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'


'Okay then,' Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.


Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'


'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

 

[haraldo]

A Really Fine Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[Rickster71]

Only the Irish have Jokes Like This.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"what happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

[Rickster71]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
There's no paper on this side either!"

 

[haraldo]

Watch out guys..... this is actually a true story!

This happened during the process of a divorce, succeeding the event that the husband found a new girlfriend some 15 years younger than his wife.....

This guy who was getting divorced was trying to settle an agreement with his former wife, and they eventually agreed upon that he was going to take over the house.
His ex-wife hid some stuff into all the hollow curtain-rods in the house, this was somethings that smelled like rotten eggs, or perhaps even worse. Of course, this was pretty problematic, they called Cytox, all kinds of experts, bug exterminators, they tore down walls to find out from where this intolerable smell originated, it was just intolerable, it was everywhere and anywhere....

The guy tried to sell the house, over and over again, but how can you sell a house that smells like rotten eggs, in every room... Just plain impossible.....

The guys ex-wife eventually suggested to take over the house at a very low-end price.... anyways, the house was intolerable, and she suggested to do them a favor... She bought the house... at half the price of the genuine value....

Eventually, she made sure that his ex husband got all the curtain rods with him into the new house they just bought

 

[Rickster71]

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW...That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[Rickster71]

Lonely on a business trip.

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone book under 'Escorts and Massages'.



He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.



'Hello?' The woman says. God she sounded sexy!



'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait - I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'



She says, "That sounds fantastic; But for an outside line, you need to press 9."

 

[Tomorrow]

(I'm way late to this fun thread. Sorry if this has been done...haven't read it all yet.)


The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal
cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

 

[Nomo]

I first heard this some twenty years ago so if any one has heard this, sorry, it’s still one of my favorites.

An elderly couple was on their way to Chicago driving thru Milwaukee. It was late in the afternoon and they were supposed to be at their son and daughter-in-laws’s home in time for dinner. Seeing as the old woman had fallen asleep, not a bad thing, the husband decided to push the speed limit a bit.
As luck would have it, a half an hour into it, a trooper pulled behind them with his lights on. He pulled to the side. As the trooper walked up beside the car the old man rolled down the window. This of course woke the old woman.
“Good afternoon sir” said the officer, “You were going at bit fast back there. Can I ask why?”
The old woman, hard of hearing of course, asked “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
The old man answered first to his bride of 50 years “ I was speeding, He wants to know why.” Then to the officer “I’m sorry sir. We’re late to get to our son’s house. I usually don’t speed.”
The trooper responded “ Well, can I see your license please?”
The old woman of course asked “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
The old man, at this point, embarrassed, answered “ He wants to see my license.”
The husband reached into his wallet, retrieved his license, and handed it to the trooper.
As the trooper looked over the license he stated “Sir, I think if everything checks out OK on your record we can let this go with just a warning.”
Old woman “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
Old man “He’s going to let us go with a warning.”
A smile came to the officer’s face. “Ya know sir. I see you’re from Oshkosh. A few years back, I was there. I had the worst piece of tail you could imagine. I don’t really want to go into details, but she was just terrible, worst I’ve ever had.”

“WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“He thinks he knows you.”

 

[FeisalK]

The Farmer's three daughters

There was this farmer who had 3 daughters that he was very protective of. One Friday night, all 3 daughters had dates. The farmer sat in the living room, polishing his shotgun, waiting for the dates to arrive.

The first date knocks at the door and the farmer answers the door. The young man says, “Hi! I’m Eddie. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?”

The farmer glared at the boy, but called Betty, and she left on her date.

Awhile later, the second date knocks at the door and the farmer and his shotgun answers the door. This young man says, “Hi! I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?”

The farmer growled at Joe, but he called Flo anyway, and off she went on her date.

Not long after, the third date knocks at the door and the Farmer with his shotgun answers the door. The young man standing at the door says, “Hi! I’m Chuck.”

The farmer shot him.

Bonus point: What was the name of Chuck's date?

 

[Rickster71]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

AL GORE :
I invented the chicken!

ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.

DR SEUSS :
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

JOHN KERRY :
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it

GEORGE W. BUSH :
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

DR. PHIL :
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

 

[Davemcc]

Bonus point: What was the name of Chuck's date?

Maybe I'm slow, but I've long given up on the bonus point. How long do we have to wait to find out?

 

[Davemcc]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Continued:

Ayn Rand:
The chicken defined his objective goal and accomplished that goal through the sheer force of his will. The chicken, alone, has the natural right to determine the course of his actions and no man has the right to cast judgement upon his actions.

Jack Kerouac:

Chicken. Road.
Journey. Told.
But the reason,
Unexplained.
Mystery.
Silent beak,
Tells no tales.

Tony Blair:
Honestly, I don't know why the chicken might have crossed the road, but if the Americans decide to cross the road as well, British Troops will support our allies.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky:
It was an old and dirty chicken. It's feathers wore the stains of countless steps across the dusty fields, where far from its cage it had marched across the parched earth left of a hot Russian summer once the crops had been dutifully reaped and carted off atop large wooden carts drawn by aging, yet strong workhorses of the hardiest breed. A chicken might have gone unnoticed amidst the low cut stalks left behind by the scythes of the bound serfs as they mowed the ripe harvest of their master. Each step raised a cloud of dust, appropriate to the step that such a chicken could possibly have taken in such fields at that time and each particle of dust in these clouds found its own niche or crevice upon the chicken to compound its filthy appearance. The effect, beyond that of appearing as simply a dirty chicken....[+42 more pages describing the chicken]

Gil Grissom:
Let the evidence tell the story.

OJ Simpson:
I will use all my resources to find out why the chicken crossed that road and when I find out the truth, I will tell you.

Alan Mulally:
There must have been an excellent executive compensation package, with a signing bonus, stock options and performance bonuses.

Homer Simpson:
Mmmmm....Chicken.

Bono:
That chicken could feed a starving family in Africa for a week. If it's harder to catch because of its having crossed the road, it's our bloody duty as citizens of the world to catch it and put an end to the starvation in Africa.

Josef Stalin:
The imperialist-loving chicken is running away in defiance of the will of the Soviet people. It must be captured and compelled to follow its socialist duty.

 

[Tomorrow]

Drafting Guys over 60----
obviously written by a former soldier. New Direction for the war on
terrorists.


Send Service
Vets over 60

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to
track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing assbackwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to
take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until
you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us
more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the
enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky and a
cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm
tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some
******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us
up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I
said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well
be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bi*ch.'

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget
where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real
brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to
getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also
developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an
excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've
been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over
the side nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I
can hear the Drill Sgt. in the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me ...
ER .. one.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy,
too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still
learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still
hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not
the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to
learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's
way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward
terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a
couple of million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic
weapons who know that their best years are already behind
them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it
secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's [was] purposely in big
type so they can read it.

 

[Rickster71]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them, while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

REMEMBER:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYS. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

 

[Rickster71]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns:

Dear Walter : I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for
work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for
twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or would
leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has
been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much,
but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly
distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to
him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila : A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
Be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that
there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the
Vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all
Grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could
be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

 

[Tomorrow]

A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and
they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the
United States Marine Corps. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil
Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now
I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's such a bullsh*&&$# ... He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"