Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

surveyor

surveyor

Audioholic Chief
web sites

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,

www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always

www.ipanywhere.com

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,

www.speedofart.com
 
Geno

Geno

Senior Audioholic
Six O'Clock Action News

Tonight's headlines:

Psychics predict world did not end yesterday.
Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says.
Sun or rain expected today. Dark tonight.
Fisherman arrested for using wife as shark bait.
Teen pregnancies fall off sharply after age 19.
Clinton's firmness got results.
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one.
Milk drinkers turn to powder.
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years in qeue.
 
majorloser

majorloser

Moderator
Personal Ads

An elderly lady places an ad in the newspaper personal section:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"


The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...
 
avaserfi

avaserfi

Audioholic Ninja
That was a pretty good one Major, I just wish I didn't get that temporary mental image of a 70 year old quadripeligic bouncing in a wheel chair with wood...
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The trooper said “What the heck are these bugs flying around my head?”

The farmer says “Well, we call ‘em circle flies.” The trooper says “Circle flies? I’ve never heard of circle flies. What are they?”

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops, looks at the farmer and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "'Course, it's hard to fool them cirdle flies, though."
 
D

davo

Full Audioholic
A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he
settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo!
She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or
holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to
the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he
had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of
the popular myths about sexuality."

Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular
myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the
men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential
lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends
call me Paddy."
 
darien87

darien87

Audioholic Spartan
Here's a stupid one, but for some reason, it cracks me the hell up.


It's Halloween and an elderly gentleman is sitting in his house, enjoying the evening.

There is a knock at the door and he grabs his bowl of candy and walks to the door. He opens it and sees a cute little boy dressed in a pirate outfit.

The man says, "Well don't you look great. What a cute little pirate. But I see that you're all by yourself. Where are you Bucaneers?"

The boy looks confused. Then answers, "They're under my Buckin' hat."


LOL
 
surveyor

surveyor

Audioholic Chief
interesting bser

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or pleasure?" She turned and smiled and said, "I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swollowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?", he said. "And what kinds of myths are there?" "Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-indowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man replied. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
surveyor

surveyor

Audioholic Chief
gotta go

Gotta Pee....
>
> Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very
>faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on
>the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
>pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
>
> One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take
>off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather
>expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky
>enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it,
>so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they
>proceeded to go home.
>
> The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his
>normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned
>the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
>starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"
>
> "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
>stuck to her *** that said...
>
> 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
 
D

dem beats

Senior Audioholic
2 muffins were sitting in an oven and the temp was rising and one muffin turned to the other and said, "holy $h1t it's hot in here"
The other look at the first muffin and said"holy $h1t, a talking muffin!"

i love joke jokes....

one more then i'll stop with the lameness they are better in person told fast...

A skelliton walks into a bar and sits down and orderes a beer and a mop

ok one more

Jeses walks into a bar. He wold up with a bruise and 6 stitches.
 
surveyor

surveyor

Audioholic Chief
Words

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.


Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter
altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.


2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.


7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.


8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.


9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)


10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.


11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the
day consuming only things that are good for you.


12. Glibido: All talk and no action.


13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.


14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a
worm in the fruit you're eating.


And, the pick of the lot...


17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******
 
Davemcc

Davemcc

Audioholic Spartan
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.
I also liked this one. I'd also like to try my hand at this game.

Proctologism - A turn of phrase that lets the listener know that they are staring at an a__-hole.
 
surveyor

surveyor

Audioholic Chief
The wisdom of Larry the cable guy.......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11 Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your rear tomorrow.
 
H

Hawkeye

Full Audioholic
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the
age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
 
Highlander

Highlander

Full Audioholic
The weather in Scotland's like the Muslims in Iraq; sometimes it's sunni, the rest of the time it's shiite. :)
 
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