Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[surveyor]

Modern Medicine

This is good news!

 

[markw]

The Ballad of the Frog Eyed Kid

He had been born of very rich parents. He was sent to the best schools and had everything a boy could what.

Almost…

As he grew to manhood, he noticed that his eyes bugged out of his head, much like that little squeeze toy, and his voice was squeaky, as if he had been inhaling helium.

Due to these afflictions, no girl would be seen with him. All this money and no one to share his life with. He vowed that if it was the last thing he did, he would find a cure.

So, his loving parents embarked on the path to cure their son.

They went from doctor to doctor to doctor, each of who would each prescribe expensive medications and treatments. After a period of time and with lots of money spent with no results to show, they would recommend yet another specialist.

This cycle repeated itself so many time s that he was now nearing 45 and he were nearly out of money. … And he still had those damn bug eyes and that cursed squeaky voice.

Finally, one doctor said he knew a surgical procedure that would cure him but it was not without a dear price to pay. He would lose most of his manhood. He figured that since he never had a woman anyway, a half a loaf was better than none.

He went for it. It worked!

Now, he was almost broke and only has a stump left but he is now a pretty good looking dude. He decided to take whatever money he had left (his parents had died by now) and get a spiffy new suit. Now that he looked normal, he wanted to look his best in the hopes of landing a mate.

So, he goes to the most expensive tailor he can find. It turns out that the suit will cost him exactly what he has left, but what the heck…

The tailor walks around him, making comments….

Tailor : “Hmmm….. shoulders… 43 inches.”
Guy : “Right!”
Tailor : "Sleeves… 32 inches”
Guy : “Right again.”
Tailor : “Of course. That’s why I get the big money. Waist… 40”
Guy : “Yep. Damn! You ARE good!”
Tailor : “Inseam… 34 inches”
Guy : …. <simply stares with mouth open.>
Tailor : .…and you tuck right and wear size 38 jockey shorts.”
Guy : “AHA! I got you there. I’ve always worn size 36 jockeys. You aain’t as hot as you think, are ya?”

Tailor : “Whatever you want. You're the boss, but be please be aware that your eyes will bug out and you’ll talk funny”

 

[conseit68]

just watched the Aristicrats last night and that was 1 of the funniests hour long 100 different way jokes i have ever heard...lol

 

[gmichael]

One bright day in the middle of the night.
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other.
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise.
He came and shot the two dead boys.
We know this story must be true.
The blind man saw it too.

 

[Resident Loser]

What...

...should you use when your pig has a rash?

Oinkment...

jimHJJ(...rim-shot please...)

 

[drybo]

Childrens books that didn't make it:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Roger
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's It; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop Goes The Hamster & Other Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

 

[Buckle-meister]

It's good to be able to laugh at one's self

It's just before Scotland v Brazil at the World Cup Group game. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking glum.

"Whats up" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're $h!te and we can't be bothered"

Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them myself so you lads head on down to the pub".

So Ronaldinho goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team head off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game's going so they get the landlord to turn on the teletext. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldiniho 10 minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

A few more pints and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time by now. Lets see how he got on". They put the teletext on:

"Result from the stadium: Brazil 1 (Ronaldiniho 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)"

They cant believe it; he's single-handedly got a draw against Scotland! They rush back to the stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down"

"Don't be daft" they say. "You got a draw against Scotland all by yourself and they only scored at the very end.

"No, no, I have, I've let you down.......I got sent off after 12 minutes"

 

[masak_aer]

welcome back Buckle-meister

It's just before Scotland v Brazil at the World Cup Group game. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking glum.

"Whats up" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're $h!te and we can't be bothered"

Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them myself so you lads head on down to the pub".

So Ronaldinho goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team head off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game's going so they get the landlord to turn on the teletext. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldiniho 10 minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

A few more pints and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time by now. Lets see how he got on". They put the teletext on:

"Result from the stadium: Brazil 1 (Ronaldiniho 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)"

They cant believe it; he's single-handedly got a draw against Scotland! They rush back to the stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down"

"Don't be daft" they say. "You got a draw against Scotland all by yourself and they only scored at the very end.

"No, no, I have, I've let you down.......I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Now this is funny...

 

[billy p]

Roflmao

at work no less!! I wonder if the Scottish blokes at work, would laugh as well?
Good one!!

 

[surveyor]

It's a-comin

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin

 

[highfihoney]

Question, why dont the taliban have sex ed & drivers ed classes on the same day?

Answer,because the camels get too sore

 

[Buckle-meister]

Sexist joke

Right at the outset I'd just like to say that I'm NOT sexist. I would however be lying if I said that I didn't find the following highly amusing.

When Microsoft introduced the new XP Operating system, they took a closer look at the mouse. Test results showed that many women were having trouble using today's mouse. For the female target group a new mouse was developed with the most important criteria being feel, comfort and ergonomics.

After the first prototype was created, male focus groups were polled to ensure that nobody felt they were being discriminated against. The male groups did not show any concerns and in fact even voiced that after viewing a woman using the new mouse, it seemed very natural and practical (view mouse here).

 

[billy p]

Right at the outset I'd just like to say that I'm NOT sexist. I would however be lying if I said that I didn't find the following highly amusing.

When Microsoft introduced the new XP Operating system, they took a closer look at the mouse. Test results showed that many women were having trouble using today's mouse. For the female target group a new mouse was developed with the most important criteria being feel, comfort and ergonomics.

After the first prototype was created, male focus groups were polled to ensure that nobody felt they were being discriminated against. The male groups did not show any concerns and in fact even voiced that after viewing a woman using the new mouse, it seemed very natural and practical (view mouse here).

They may as well? Around here, it's not used for anything else!!

 

[brushro]

try this one

Whats hi in the middle & round on both ends?


O-H-I-O

 

[davo]

I cant believe I only just come across the jokes page. Here's an old one.

A man walks into a bar carrying a sack and sits down and orders a drink.

The barman pours him a drink and asks"What are you carrying there?"

The man replies casualy "I've got this little dude in here who plays piano"

Barman "I dont believe you"

Man "It's true, here I'll show you"

The man procceds to extract from the sack a 12" man dressed in a suit complete with a minature grand piano, who promptly starts playing an extravegant piano peice.

Absolutely amazed, the barman exclaims "Thats amazing, where on earth did you get him?"

Man "Well I found this old lamp, and when I was cleaning it up this genie popped out and said I could have any wish I wanted..."

Barman, interupting "Thats incredible!! You don't still have it, do you?"

Man, pulling the lamp from sack "Well yeah but..."

Barman "I cant believe it. I'm going to be rich!!".

With that the barman snatches the lamp and furiously begins to rub it.
Immediately a genie mists out of the lamp and proclaims "You have summond me. You have but one wish that I can grant you, so make it now!"

The barman doesn't hessitate in replying "I want a million bucks!!"

The genie gives a solom bow and disappears back into the lamp. Suddenly a million ducks appear from nowhere, flapping inside and outside the pub, breaking glassess and windows, quacking and pooping every where, swirling around and around untill eventually, they fly of into the distance leaving only silence behind.

The barman slowly rises from behind the bar, looks around with a stunned look on his face, then yells "What the hell stupid genie is that?!! I wanted a million bucks, not ducks"

The man replies "Don't look at me. Do you think I asked for a 12" pianist?!"

 

[mulester7]

I think we should dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Then we should replace all the female flight attendants with good looking strippers! What the heck, the attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of their tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right. It's a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

 

[muncybob]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.

 

[JAD2]

True story, but still a mean joke for a point.

2 weeks ago at Texas A&M in the freshman Vet class ( Animal doctor) the teacher introduced himself and had a dead cow under a sheet on the table in front of him.
He explained that animal doctors see some pretty gross stuff when animals are extremely sick, broke bones and hit by vehicles. So they needed to realize its not all glamore. People doctors specialize in fields, so some see this in similar fashin, some never do. So you have to understand in most cases your the last hope. So its alot of responsiblity other than simple cat and dog stuff.
Lastly you must pay close attention in this class because he will be teaching techniques and other stuff a book cannot. So close attention to detials is a must for passing his class.
With that said were gonna get gross, disgusting etc started right now. He said do as I do and lifted the cover off the dead cow. Stuck his finger up the cows *** and pulled it out and licked it and told them , now its your turn.
Each one finally did with some serious reservations and disgust. Then he said OK, you got over a disgusting chore, which can be the norm. You understood things like this must be done to pass my class. But you miserbly failed in paying close attention. If you payed close attention, you would have seen I stuck my middle finger up its *** and licked my index finger.

I read this on another forum in which the poster had provided as proff the Texas A&M school paper coverage of it!!!

I posted back, well Ive heard of M&M's but never A&M's, do they melt in your mouth???

 

[mulester7]

http://www.break.com/index/japtalentshow.html

 

[AVRat]

"Moses"

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40
years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil!"