Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Verdinut]

A few Classified Ads which were actually placed in UK Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
8 years old, Hateful Little Bastard, Bites!

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED
Also 1 gay bull for sale

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.​

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything

​

 

[Verdinut]

COMPUTER KNOWLEDGE:

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'My computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
******************************

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.



Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,but the computer still says he can't find it..

 

[panteragstk]

COMPUTER KNOWLEDGE:

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'My computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
******************************

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.



Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,but the computer still says he can't find it..

Boy do I not miss my desktop support days.

 

[panteragstk]

 

[cpp]

 

[Verdinut]

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

 

[cpp]

I liked this

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The ducking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Vetrinarian ever.

 

[Alex2507]

 

[MR.MAGOO]

 

[adk highlander]

 

[Verdinut]

TEACHER: Why are you late?​

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.​

____________________________________​

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?​

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.​

__________________________________________​

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'​

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'​

TEACHER: No, that's wrong​

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.​

​

____________________________________________​

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?​

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.​

TEACHER: What are you talking about?​

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.​

 

[cpp]

 

[panteragstk]

View attachment 54822

You guys got popsicles?

 

[cpp]

You guys got popsicles?

Orange and banana if we were good

 

[Eppie]

Share this with your kids. Always loved the Swedish Chef.
Who remembers Popcorn by Hot Butter?

 

[MR.MAGOO]

Share this with your kids. Always loved the Swedish Chef.
Who remembers Popcorn by Hot Butter?

I've got a 45 of that song!

 

[cpp]

View attachment 54799

And this also is interesting and a true story. We showed our little nephew, 13, a old phone, and the first thing he said, how did you carry that uncle Chris. I went what. Smiled and told him where telephones came from.

 

[Eppie]

And this also is interesting and a true story. We showed our little nephew, 13, a old phone, and the first thing he said, how did you carry that uncle Chris. I went what. Smiled and told him where telephones came from. View attachment 54911

I have a 1956 rotary phone on my stereo cabinet. Looking forward to doing the same with some grandkids some day.

 

[panteragstk]

And this also is interesting and a true story. We showed our little nephew, 13, a old phone, and the first thing he said, how did you carry that uncle Chris. I went what. Smiled and told him where telephones came from. View attachment 54911

I have a 1956 rotary phone on my stereo cabinet. Looking forward to doing the same with some grandkids some day.

This was my kids first toy phone so I don't think this joke will work for me....oldest is 8 for some perspective.