Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[MR.MAGOO]

Rodney Dangerfield

My ex-wife was a terrible cook. At our house, we prayed after we ate.

another Dangerfield classic: "My dog drives me crazy, his favorite bone is in my arm."

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Little Johnny comes home from school one afternoon, only to find his pet rooster lying dead on his front yard legs stiff, pointed straight in the air.
Little Johnny RUNS in the house to his dad. “Daddy, daddy !!! Why is our pet rooster lying in the front yard flat on its back with its legs pointed straight in the air !!??”
Little Johnny’s Dad: “Oh son.... why that’s so god can reach down straight from heaven, pick him up and take him.”
Little Johnny: “Oh... ok. Yea yea , that makes sense..”
A few days later...
Little Johnny comes RUNNING in the house screaming to his dad “DADDY, DADDY !!!! Mommy was lying flat on her back with her legs pointed straight in the air screaming ‘Oh God I’m coming I’m coming !!’ If it wasn’t for Uncle George holding her down , we’d have lost her for sure.”

 

[Verdinut]

Just preparing to sleep, a young married man asks his wife: "Sweetheart, have you had lovers before me?" No answer.... Very long silence....
After a while, he murmurs: "Honey, you're sleeping?" She replies: "No, I'm counting! "

 

[Drunkpenguin]

Just preparing to sleep, a young married man asks his wife: "Sweetheart, have you had lovers before me?" No answer.... Very long silence....
After a while, he murmurs: "Honey, you're sleeping?" She replies: "No, I'm counting! "

Spoiler

 

[Verdinut]

Here is the beginning of the new Canadian anthem as of today:

"Oh Canabis, we sit and smoke to thee"

 

[Verdinut]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at
the woman. He made no attempt
to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."

The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money
to pay for dis ride?"​

Animations GRATUITES pour vos emails !




Cliquez ici !​

​

​

 

[Verdinut]

I heard that Apple were releasing a lithium-ion battery powered vibrator for women. It's called the IScrew!

 

[Verdinut]

Mexicans are going to pay for the wall !

 

[jliedeka]

For the love of God, Montresor!

 

[Verdinut]

Medicine of the Future:

Google Releases the Medical On Line Consultation!

HER: "What are you doing with this webcam?" HIM: "On Line Colonoscopy!"

 

[Drunkpenguin]

 

[panteragstk]

 

[Verdinut]

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favor - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"

Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.

After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago!"

Animations GRATUITES pour vos emails !


Cliquez ici !​

 

[MR.MAGOO]

another Rodney Dangerfield classic:

"I knew my parents hated me. As a child my bathtub toys were a toaster and a radio."

 

[WookieGR]

There is a 24 Hour sarcasm and joke hotline, endless comedy and parodies of reality: New jokes daily

 

[Verdinut]

Toward the end of the mass, the priest asks:

How many of you forgave their enemies?

80% of the congregation raise their hand.

The priest repeats his question:

All raise their hand this time except an old man, John, a passionate golf player who only goes to mass when there is bad weather.

“John, since the weather is not favorable for golf playing, I welcome you to our church. You don't wish to forgive your enemies?”

Very slowly he replies: “I have no enemy”

“John, that's very unusual. How old are you?”

“99 years and 11 months”

All the crowd stands up and applauds !

Mister John, this is amazing, would you come over to the altar and tell us how someone can live about one hundred years and have no enemy?

The old man walks along the aisle and finally says in the mike with a big grin:

“The bastards are all dead....”

 

[Verdinut]

A professor told his class:
"Fame will come to you only after you succeed"

A blonde asked: "Who is Seed?"

 

[davidscott]

Why was the blond staring at a carton of orange juice?
The label said concentrate.
From Two and a Half Men.

 

[MR.MAGOO]

Another Dangerfield classic:
"Doctor, every morning when I wake up I look in the mirror and want to throw up, what's wrong with me?"
Doc - "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"