When your adult siblings are fuckups

jinjuku

jinjuku

Moderator
Both my older and younger (3 years either way) are complete and utter fuckups. We are talking 50 and 45. Both have non-stop pawed at my parents for everything from $$, to use the laundry, rides/borrow cars, day care, move back in etc...

The 50 year old is the worse of the two and anyone with half a brain could see this train wreck happening since age 12. Absolutely didn't like anyone telling him what to do, especially women. Multiple kids, multiple moms, wouldn't pay child support and even quit jobs if his pay was garnished. FF a few decades and diagnosed with diabetes that he won't manage and most certainly the methamphetamine use has led to his other health problems that the latest stay in hospital with a diagnoses of weakened heart muscle. Stayed with my parents on and off and the longest stint was 9 months and WOULD NOT GET A JOB! Lost 4 cars in a row (won't keep insurance, won't keep a license, won't plate / tag properly) and NOW he's back today after hospital moving in.

This is where I'm stuck. where does compassion and not putting up with this poop end? I can't see turning my back on a family member like this but I also can't see the enabling and the allowance of disrupting. Any thing like I feel that I could do would just be enabling. I want to give him a piece of my mind but he's never listened to anyone...

Sitting here and wondering how I made a successful life, stable marriage, nice things, savings, with the same upbringing, same two parents, same opportunities.

Frustrated and concerned for my parents.
 
William Lemmerhirt

William Lemmerhirt

Audioholic Warlord
Wow jinjuku,(and gmoney). Sorry to hear about this. We’ve all got someone like this in our lives. Yes I pulled out my mirror before commenting lol.
It’s hard to know what to do. Tough love doesn’t always work, and enabling us even worse. At some point, I’ve found you sometimes just have to let them sleep in their own bed. I know, easier said than done. Good luck to you guys.
 
lovinthehd

lovinthehd

Audioholic Jedi
Not an issue in our family, altho my little sis could be more motivated, but she's responsible and financially stable. Give him a piece of your mind if it's bugging you, maybe a piece of a fist or handy object....
 
M

Mr._Clark

Audioholic Chief
Both my older and younger (3 years either way) are complete and utter fuckups. We are talking 50 and 45. Both have non-stop pawed at my parents for everything from $$, to use the laundry, rides/borrow cars, day care, move back in etc...

The 50 year old is the worse of the two and anyone with half a brain could see this train wreck happening since age 12. Absolutely didn't like anyone telling him what to do, especially women. Multiple kids, multiple moms, wouldn't pay child support and even quit jobs if his pay was garnished. FF a few decades and diagnosed with diabetes that he won't manage and most certainly the methamphetamine use has led to his other health problems that the latest stay in hospital with a diagnoses of weakened heart muscle. Stayed with my parents on and off and the longest stint was 9 months and WOULD NOT GET A JOB! Lost 4 cars in a row (won't keep insurance, won't keep a license, won't plate / tag properly) and NOW he's back today after hospital moving in.

This is where I'm stuck. where does compassion and not putting up with this poop end? I can't see turning my back on a family member like this but I also can't see the enabling and the allowance of disrupting. Any thing like I feel that I could do would just be enabling. I want to give him a piece of my mind but he's never listened to anyone...

Sitting here and wondering how I made a successful life, stable marriage, nice things, savings, with the same upbringing, same two parents, same opportunities.

Frustrated and concerned for my parents.
Dealing with that type of a situation is very difficult. This is easier said than done, but try to compartmentalize it. Don't let his issues interfere with your life (it sounds like you're actually doing pretty well with that).

When I took lifesaving classes the instructor told us that some people who are drowning will panic and claw at a person trying to help them and pull the would-be rescuer under. This leads to both people drowning. The instructor said that if this happens you have to swim away because otherwise both will drown.

I've thought about that lesson many times over the years. Sometimes you can't save someone and you just have to swim away to save yourself.

Analogies aside, I was whitewater rafting once many years after the lifesaving classes and the raft flipped in some fairly heavy rapids after we went up a large rock sideways. I swam up to the surface and came up under the raft, which was upside down. Several people were under the raft and we were getting tossed around pretty good due to the rapids. One person panicked and started pulling me down in an effort to stay above the water. Surprisingly, I remembered the lesson from lifesaving class and swam under and away from the raft. Everyone was wearing life vests so I don't think anyone was actually in serious danger, but going down rapids in a life vest is an adrenaline rush. Nevertheless, it was interesting that people do apparently have a very strong natural instinct the to pull themselves up on anything when they think they're in danger of drowning.
 
lovinthehd

lovinthehd

Audioholic Jedi
Curious, tho, are the parents able to afford this or are the siblings riding their backs down a hole from which there is no return? You had the heart-to-heart with your parents first? I kinda like the drowning analogy, too.
 
jinjuku

jinjuku

Moderator
Curious, tho, are the parents able to afford this or are the siblings riding their backs down a hole from which there is no return? You had the heart-to-heart with your parents first? I kinda like the drowning analogy, too.
My parents have next to no financial savvy. Not even lower middle class growing up. The most my Mom made was 38K/year at the end of her career. Dad worked factory. That closed when he was 48 and he never really worked again. That was 25 years ago but I was already out of the house by then. The only one of the 3 kids mind you.

They tried their best but it was all very seat of the pant. I still remember mom saying that the best thing to use the Dr. Sears book for was to use as a booster seat.
 
lovinthehd

lovinthehd

Audioholic Jedi
My parents have next to no financial savvy. Not even lower middle class growing up. The most my Mom made was 38K/year at the end of her career. Dad worked factory. That closed when he was 48 and he never really worked again. That was 25 years ago but I was already out of the house by then. The only one of the 3 kids mind you.

They tried their best but it was all very seat of the pant. I still remember mom saying that the best thing to use the Dr. Sears book for was to use as a booster seat.
Thanks, that paints a better picture. I've known some families like that....and they still wouldn't have it any other way without intervention. Whether to intervene or not, my first instinct would be to start with your brother but I wouldn't leave sister out either. We (my siblings) more supported our dad financially in the end, mom died young. We did have a pact among ourselves that if one sibling f*cked up don't expect a bail out (then again no need to date). I think that may have helped.
 
jinjuku

jinjuku

Moderator
don't expect a bail out
Agreed. The first time my brother asked me for $$ I said sure I'll send it direct to your kids mothers. I swore the temperature dropped immediately in the room. I let him know I have my own kids and couldn't imagine thinking of myself before them. He at least never asked me again. I'll bet he thought I was a bastard for putting that condition on the giving. Sorry chap, I'm not giving you anything unconditionally.
 
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jinjuku

jinjuku

Moderator
I'm going to call him, let him know I love him and see if there is anything that I can do that will help him get to a job, like a bus pass. Those are hard to sell right?
 
GO-NAD!

GO-NAD!

Audioholic Spartan
I'm going to call him, let him know I love him and see if there is anything that I can do that will help him get to a job, like a bus pass. Those are hard to sell right?
I can't relate to your experience at all. My sisters and I have all led independent, successful lives and never been a burden on our parents, or each other. So, I can't offer any advice from experience. But, you have my sympathy, as that must be a frustrating situation for you.
 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
I only could hear you out and offer my sympathy, but the only advice I could possibly offer is DO NOT Lent money to relatives. It will only end badly for somebody. You could give a cash present (don't expect to get it back if you could afford it) or nothing at all. - I've learned it the hard way dealing with my (somewhat) fuckup cousin.
 
Pogre

Pogre

Audioholic Overlord
Man, this is just one of those life issues you really don't have a lot of control over and there are no easy or obvious solutions. I can't offer much as far as advice goes, but I feel your pain. Kids fucking up is one of the most stressful things to have to deal with as a parent.
 
j_garcia

j_garcia

Audioholic Jedi
I feel for you and thanks for sharing. My brother is the black sheep too. He is an extreme amount of stress on our parents. Very similar story.
 
jinjuku

jinjuku

Moderator
He is an extreme amount of stress on our parents.
My mom is at a loss for what to do. What happens when your kid becomes a leech that will suck you dry and not give a schiit while doing it.

My brother is simply put not a good person.
 
panteragstk

panteragstk

Audioholic Spartan
Man, this is just one of those life issues you really don't have a lot of control over and there are no easy or obvious solutions. I can't offer much as far as advice goes, but I feel your pain. Kids fucking up is one of the most stressful things to have to deal with as a parent.
Mine are only 4, 6, and 7 so I've got plenty of time to either direct them the right way, or prepare for what BS will come.

I know my parents raised all three of us pretty much the same. Two of us are OK, the third hasn't had a job in almost a year. Sure, COVID had a hand in that, but I don't believe he's trying so hard to find one. That and his wife refuses to work. Sure, they have 4 kids between the two of them with one on the way...holy sh!t today apparently. I asked what the plan was for paying for things...mom. He's over 30 so if you ask at what point to do you stop helping? I don't know. I know he's selfish like @jinjuku said his brother is. He has all sorts of fancy electronics, but couldn't pay child support for his oldest kid. Nope. You don't get to do that. You don't get to have kids and forget about them. Especially if (soon to be) three kids are getting tons of attention.

I just couldn't do it.
 
panteragstk

panteragstk

Audioholic Spartan
My mom is at a loss for what to do. What happens when your kid becomes a leech that will suck you dry and not give a schiit while doing it.

My brother is simply put not a good person.
A lot of people have an issue with NOT helping family. I get it, but there comes a point, and 50 years is enough time, that certain family members might need to be cut off. If people know they have a safety net, they tend to fall back on it. If that net is no longer there, well, they'll either sink or swim.

We aren't' there with my brother yet, but I know he's keeping my mom from retiring and that bugs me.
 
Pogre

Pogre

Audioholic Overlord
A lot of people have an issue with NOT helping family. I get it, but there comes a point, and 50 years is enough time, that certain family members might need to be cut off. If people know they have a safety net, they tend to fall back on it. If that net is no longer there, well, they'll either sink or swim.

We aren't' there with my brother yet, but I know he's keeping my mom from retiring and that bugs me.
It sounds cold, but you're right about the safety net. I have in laws I had to cut off because it just never ended. It was almost like the more we gave the more they'd ask for.

It's amazing how they went from us being their only hope to finding solutions on their own, once they had no choice.
 
j_garcia

j_garcia

Audioholic Jedi
It is a complex problem. They feel they don't WANT help, but they actually do. They feel guilty or ashamed for needing help and it is hard for them to take it, while at the same time they also can't break from their pattern. It is a really tough thing. My brother has been in and out of rehab many times and is still in the same place.

I won't let him sink to the bottom if it comes to that, but I also won't enable him in the meantime.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Life is not always easy.

In 2011, I lost my 38 year old son who succumbed to a myocardial infarct. He had been diagnosed with a bipolar disease in his early 30's but damage had already been done. He had become a cocaine addict on top of having an alcoholism problem.

At the time, my wife and I were divorced. He also had a gambling problem and my ex-wife often got him out of trouble by giving him money to reimburse his debts. He was a talented chef and even succeeded to become an executive chef in a renowned sports center, but he didn't keep his jobs. He underwent several treatments in a house for alcoholics and drug addicts but to no avail. Over a period of four years, his mother gave him $125,000, always hoping that he would get over his problems. I often told her to stop giving him money. She did not help him at all. She just delayed his passing by a couple of years.

It becomes very saddening but you become really helpless about such situation. When he passed, I knew that he was released so were his mother and I.
 
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jinjuku

jinjuku

Moderator
It becomes very saddening but you become really helpless about such situation. When he passed, I knew that he was released as were his mother and I.
This is where I'm wondering if it's heading. My parents don't have any $$ to give really and if they pass before he does he's screwed. He'll get a bit of inheritance but his spending patterns and consistently poor choices will ensure that he messes that up too.
 

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