When your adult siblings are fuckups

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TechToys2

Audioholic
You have my sympathies. I had a similar situation and understand your pain. I have only one sibling and, unfortunately, my parents are no longer living, so I am the only immediate family he has and I get all of the phone calls etc., when there is an issue. The way we approach things and have lived our lives is like night and day.

I don't have any words of wisdom, unfortunately. It is a difficult situation and I know I haven't always dealt with things the best way possible. I think each person ultimately has to do what they can live with. I know I would have a hard time completely cutting off my brother, but I also know there is only so much I can (or should) do to help.

I wish you the best.
 
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snakeeyes

Audioholic Ninja
I still remember asking my dad for $30 for the last time in my sr year of college. It arrived in rolls of quarters in the mail with a note. The note said the next time I asked for money he would be mixing the quarters into a big jar of mayonnaise! I loathe even the thought of Mayo. It’s the thing I hate most. LOL :)
 
hemiram

hemiram

Full Audioholic
Sometimes, just walking away can be the only thing that will keep you sane. It's just too much to deal with.

A friend of mine and his sister have basically decided, since their folks are gone now, to walk away from their much younger brother, who has made some amazingly bad choices, especially since he has an IQ off the charts. They both have bailed him out dozens of times over the years, and given him a lot of money that never was repaid. He can read a book and do whatever the job is that the book talks about, and do it well. Seriously. But he can't do it honestly.

He was a surprise baby, born 20 years after my friend and 18 after his sister. Mom was pushing 50, and she admitted she was hoping for a grandbaby to take care of but instead got Jim. Jim was a nightmare from almost as soon as he became mobile. He got into everything and would hide food everywhere. He killed a freezer full of food when he took an ice pick to chisel something out, poked a hole in one of the lines and the whole thing, food and freezer had to be tossed. He never told anyone, and the smell was insane. He finally admitted it after the hole was discovered. He was 10.

A huge kid and an even bigger adult 6'8", Jim never could do anything the right way, he cheated at almost everything, and famously took a solo ride in mom's car at age 8, driving to his grandparent's house after some sort of argument with his dad. He arrived safely with the police right behind him. The cops told him he can't drive, but he just said, "Why should I wait until I'm 16? It's not hard or anything!". He would go on to drive many times before he turned 16. Most of them he got away with.

He managed to stay out of any really serious trouble until after he got his GF pregnant and their daughter, who is 20 now, was born. I don't know exactly how he did it, but he ended up getting busted for stealing about $30K from his employer, who he had convinced that he was a great employee. He could have stayed out of prison for that, but he violated probation by cashing a couple of grandma's checks and overdrawing her account. The judge had cut him some slack, but had finally had enough and sent him to prison for about 2 years. That was a long time ago, but he didn't learn. He has some serious social skills that enable him to get a lot of women to fall for him, and do things they never thought of doing before they met him. A certain percentage of women have some sort of radar and know he is to be avoided, but most don't and think he's "A wonderful guy" until they end up talking to the police. One of those women who know something is off is his daughter.

My involvement with Jim's schemes came when he took his brother's car to work one day, copied the keys to my house that were on the keychain, and let himself in while I was at work and helped himself to several thousand dollars worth of my stuff. The only reason he got caught was I had just installed a couple of internet connected cameras in my house and I had video on my phone of him doing it. About 5 minutes after he left, I watched the video, made a list of all the stuff he took, and called his brother to tell him. 2 hours later, I had my stuff back and he "apologized". I told him he got his one break and if he did anything again, I would bust him. If he had done anything to my then elderly dogs I wouldn't have been so nice about it.

His getting caught in my house didn't accomplish anything. He ended up stealing a distant cousin's identity with the same name (Middle name spelled differently) and who sort of looked like him. With his cousin's degree and resume, he got a job that paid well. And the bosses loved him. But Jim did his thing, and got some young girl involved with him romantically, and she ended up being his partner in stealing a lot of money from the company. The company and another had made a merger agreement before he was hired, and a full audit was done, and Jim got busted, along with the 24 year old girl. Jim did do something I was kind of surprised at, he told the girl to testify against him, and she did, keeping herself out of jail. Jim got himself about 10 years in federal prison for his troubles, and will be about 50 when he gets out. My friend and his sister told him before he went away that they had reached the end of the road with him, and they didn't want anything to do with him when he gets out. The daughter had been burned too many times, and she told him the same thing. He swears it will be different this time, he's finally wised up. Nobody who knows him believes him at all. I totally expect him to try to hit me up for some cash when he gets out. I don't know if I will laugh, or get angry. Either way, he's not getting a dime.
 
Irvrobinson

Irvrobinson

Audioholic Spartan
Sometimes, just walking away can be the only thing that will keep you sane. It's just too much to deal with.

A friend of mine and his sister have basically decided, since their folks are gone now, to walk away from their much younger brother, who has made some amazingly bad choices, especially since he has an IQ off the charts. They both have bailed him out dozens of times over the years, and given him a lot of money that never was repaid. He can read a book and do whatever the job is that the book talks about, and do it well. Seriously. But he can't do it honestly.

He was a surprise baby, born 20 years after my friend and 18 after his sister. Mom was pushing 50, and she admitted she was hoping for a grandbaby to take care of but instead got Jim. Jim was a nightmare from almost as soon as he became mobile. He got into everything and would hide food everywhere. He killed a freezer full of food when he took an ice pick to chisel something out, poked a hole in one of the lines and the whole thing, food and freezer had to be tossed. He never told anyone, and the smell was insane. He finally admitted it after the hole was discovered. He was 10.

A huge kid and an even bigger adult 6'8", Jim never could do anything the right way, he cheated at almost everything, and famously took a solo ride in mom's car at age 8, driving to his grandparent's house after some sort of argument with his dad. He arrived safely with the police right behind him. The cops told him he can't drive, but he just said, "Why should I wait until I'm 16? It's not hard or anything!". He would go on to drive many times before he turned 16. Most of them he got away with.

He managed to stay out of any really serious trouble until after he got his GF pregnant and their daughter, who is 20 now, was born. I don't know exactly how he did it, but he ended up getting busted for stealing about $30K from his employer, who he had convinced that he was a great employee. He could have stayed out of prison for that, but he violated probation by cashing a couple of grandma's checks and overdrawing her account. The judge had cut him some slack, but had finally had enough and sent him to prison for about 2 years. That was a long time ago, but he didn't learn. He has some serious social skills that enable him to get a lot of women to fall for him, and do things they never thought of doing before they met him. A certain percentage of women have some sort of radar and know he is to be avoided, but most don't and think he's "A wonderful guy" until they end up talking to the police. One of those women who know something is off is his daughter.

My involvement with Jim's schemes came when he took his brother's car to work one day, copied the keys to my house that were on the keychain, and let himself in while I was at work and helped himself to several thousand dollars worth of my stuff. The only reason he got caught was I had just installed a couple of internet connected cameras in my house and I had video on my phone of him doing it. About 5 minutes after he left, I watched the video, made a list of all the stuff he took, and called his brother to tell him. 2 hours later, I had my stuff back and he "apologized". I told him he got his one break and if he did anything again, I would bust him. If he had done anything to my then elderly dogs I wouldn't have been so nice about it.

His getting caught in my house didn't accomplish anything. He ended up stealing a distant cousin's identity with the same name (Middle name spelled differently) and who sort of looked like him. With his cousin's degree and resume, he got a job that paid well. And the bosses loved him. But Jim did his thing, and got some young girl involved with him romantically, and she ended up being his partner in stealing a lot of money from the company. The company and another had made a merger agreement before he was hired, and a full audit was done, and Jim got busted, along with the 24 year old girl. Jim did do something I was kind of surprised at, he told the girl to testify against him, and she did, keeping herself out of jail. Jim got himself about 10 years in federal prison for his troubles, and will be about 50 when he gets out. My friend and his sister told him before he went away that they had reached the end of the road with him, and they didn't want anything to do with him when he gets out. The daughter had been burned too many times, and she told him the same thing. He swears it will be different this time, he's finally wised up. Nobody who knows him believes him at all. I totally expect him to try to hit me up for some cash when he gets out. I don't know if I will laugh, or get angry. Either way, he's not getting a dime.
That’s quite a story. I wouldn’t be as patient as Jim’s relatives.
 
S

Sadie42

Audioholic Intern
I cut off my sister after she went full blown QAnon and called me a "sheeple".

I cut off my oldest daughter when she decided to become a meth head and stopped taking her meds (she's bipolar in the worst kind of way).

Even if my mental health was in stellar shape, and it isn't -- I'm not an intervention service, and I'm not jumping into the water to save someone that I know is just going to pull me under.

This doesn't mean I don't have empathy or didn't try. You have to have enough self awareness to realize when you simply can't do anything more, and that to continue is just going to wreck you.
 
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K

Kleinst

Full Audioholic
This is interesting because my brother is similar. Drinks a lot and stressed my Dad to death and my mom now. I have told him that I am not a bank and while I'm always willing to give advice, I'm not going to sacrifice the money I've saved for years for my kids college and my retirement so he can sit on his A** and do nothing. I do feel guilty a little but at some point don't you have to hold people accountable at least a bit?

Probably should help more but I just can't relate and am probably a bad brother.
 
D

Dude#1279435

Senior Audioholic
I put this here because I didn't want to start a When Your Adult Parents are Fuckups LOL. I wouldn't call my mother "a fuckup," but I'd say there's the share of frustrating things as an adult living under her roof. We bought a house, more like she bought and I pay rent. Anyhow, there's things I've learned after living with her for a while. She can be very controlling so sometimes the things she asks you to do have to be done when she's gone. There's standing right over you to watch to make sure you can put the outside lightbulb in and caulking that little square for the top of the table. Today it was cleaning the exterior windows because if she were here she'd be right over me to make sure they're done right. I think it's partially control and partially she has a low opinion of me. (We really don't get along very well which makes the living situation questionable.) Aside the more personal stuff, is there a reason I wouldn't do a good job cleaning? No, I do that for a living. Anyway, she asked if I did the interior windows. Well no cause that's another several hours on a work night. I didn't get the impression she really appreciated it but did have to do it my own way or it would have taken hours. I'm not talking lazy fast but efficient, well done, and not time consuming.

More a steam vent so thanks for listening.

Edit: It was she asked if I'd done the interior too when she'd asked me to do the exteriors. That was the frustrating part.
 
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