Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[haraldo]

Pass me another Guinness.

WOW, you scare me now

 

[haraldo]

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her *** with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

 

[gmichael]

An 80 year old man goes in for his normal check-up. While there:
Doc says you seem like you’re in great shape for your age. How are you feeling?
Great! says the old guy. In fact, I just got married to a hot 18 year old model.
What?! 18 years old? How will you satisfy her?
Easy, in fact, she’s pregnant already.
Doc said let me tell you a story. Last year a few of my friends wanted me to go hunting with them. I don’t like to kill things, but I went along to spend some time with them and have some male bonding. I just loaded my gun with blanks. While in the woods, this bear comes out of nowhere charging at me. I turn and fire three shots. The bear drops to the ground dead. What do you think of that?
The old guy says, “You didn’t kill that bear. Someone else must have shot him. Maybe one of your friends.”
THAT’S WHAT I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU!

 

[haraldo]

A woman says "we,women. need attention. But for you,men, the most important thing's sex".

The man answers "ok! ATTENTION!!! and now-sex"

 

[gmichael]

Walk naked in usa day

WALK NAKED IN USA DAY
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked and if he does, he must
commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern
Time, all American women are
asked to walk out of their house completely
naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for
this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn
chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate
their support for the women and to prove that
they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of
alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further
proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to
root out terrorists and applauds your participation
in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless USA !


P.S.. It
is your patriotic duty to inform others. If you
don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a
terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and
are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists.

 

[spl_nut]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.

"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled."

"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him."

"I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

 

[spl_nut]

Early one Saturday morning little Johnny and Sam, age eight and seven, were playing in their bedroom. As they played Johnny said to Sam "We're old enough to start cusin'", and Sam agreed. Johnny said "I'll say 'hell', and you say '***'". At that moment mom called them down for breakfast. Rushing down the stairs and climbing on the stools, mom asked Johnny what he'd like to eat, "Aw hell, give me some Cheerios". His mom immediately slapped him across his face, crying, he ran upstairs to his bedroom. Looking over at Sam, Mom asked "and what would you like?". "I don't know, but you can bet your *** it ain't gonna be Cheerios!"

 

[Rickster71]

Halloween Costume Party



A couple was invited to a costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time
being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough,
decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with
him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little
kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume
away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make
for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time
he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"


"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned
my costume to"....

 

[haraldo]

Physics exam

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the
University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer that showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T =2 pi sqr root (l /g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel Prize for physics.

 

[haraldo]

Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

I first heard this story in 1999 when I was working with EDS in South Australia, the story was originally sourced from Autralian Customs Service at that point in time, although this happened at Australian Armed Forces in Melbourne, Victoria. For me this was then the story/joke of the decade and it really points out the benefits of object oriented development

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes, and, in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix, herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement. Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.

Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding

The lesson?
Classes (Objects) are defined with certain attributes, and any new class defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.


It has been pointed out that the story was slightly different and that the Kangaroos did not really utilize stinger missiles...
The programmers had not added any weapons at that point in the software, so that the kangaroos only had access to the default weapon that was already in the software.

The default weapon available to the Kangaroo Class was large multicolored beach balls.

[If you thought thought the worst of Aussie worries were crocs, poisonous spiders and snakes, lizards, insects, lethal jellyfish, deadly bluebottle octopussy; but No their real problems are kangaroo freedom fighters.

 

[Alex2507]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[jamie2112]

Alex thats a good one............

 

[STRONGBADF1]

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

[psbfan9]

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death…



....... .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... . ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... .... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . . . ...
....... ... ... ... .. .. ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... .. ....... ...... .....


Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . .... ....”

 

[psbfan9]

WEDDINGS

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed
that all of the aunts and the grandmotherly types used to
come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me,
"YOU'RE NEXT."

They stopped that **** after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals!

 

[psbfan9]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[markw]

The Sarge

Sarge just retired from the Marines after thirty years and went back to school to become a schoolteacher.

He did well, graduated and was immediately hired up by one of the inner-city schools.

Just before he started working, he sprained his back while renovating the house he just bought for himself and the doctor had him wear a back brace which consisted of a wrap-around "girdle" to strengthen his back while it's healing. Fortunately, it's fairly thin and he can wear it under his shirt.

On the first day that he reported to work, he found he was assigned to "The Sweathogs", a special class comprised of all the troublemakers from the school. They heard rumors that the new teacher was an ex-marine and decided to take it slow before terrorizing him like they did to all the other teachers who quit) in order to see what they were up against.

As he's up there introducing himself to the class, a stiff breeze comes in from the open window and blows his tie sideways. Without missing a beat, he grabs a stapler, staples the tie to his chest, and continues on with his speech.

...he had absolutely no discipline problems for the remainder of the year.

 

[psbfan9]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was

plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the

distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find

a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling

ties..


The Taliban asked, "Do you have

water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a

tie? They are only £5."



The Taliban shouted,

"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill

you, but I must find water first!



"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not

want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am

bigger than that.


If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you

will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.

Shalom."



Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead &

said



"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a

tie!"

 

[njedpx3]

Living Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school; you play and have no responsibilities. In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally . . . . . You finish off as an orgasm.

Peace and Serenity,

Forest Man

 

[STRONGBADF1]

IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS."

"To the IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to the IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.