Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

S

scottyg

Junior Audioholic
Whats the difference?

What is the difference between a hoover and a harley??

The placement of the dirt bag!!

clean yet hilarious
 
billy p

billy p

Audioholic Ninja
The haircut

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How long before I can
get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get
a haircut?' The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy
left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and
see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So,
where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,








'Your House'...:eek::D
 
itschris

itschris

Moderator
I guy is driving down a country road and sees a sign: Talking dog for sale - $10

The guys says to himself. "This I gotta see" so he stops and walks up to the house. He knocks on the door and says to guy, "You really have a talking dog for sale?" "Yep. He's in back. C'mon, I'll show him to you." So they go out back and here comes this nice looking retriever up to the fence. The guy doesn't really believe any of this and finally jokingly asks... "Soooo... you can talk?"

The dog says, "Sure can."

The guy almost falls over in disbelief. The dog says, 'I learned I could talk when I was just a puppy. Been doing it all my life. Naturaly people caught wind of it and soon after, the government took me in and I started working for the CIA. For eight years I was their best agent traveling all over the world infiltrating many foreign governments. No one ever suspected that a dog could understand what they were saying and give a detailed synopsis back home. I soon retired, hooked up with a really nice bit*ch and had a bunch of puppies. I've worked for the local law enforcement agency helping them out. I got some more medals, but now I just do some contract work from time to time. That's about it."

The guy looks at the owner and says, "that's remarkable. Why would you sell him for only $10?"

The owner just looks at him and says, "Cuz he's a fu*king liar!. He never did any of that sh*t!"
 
billy p

billy p

Audioholic Ninja
Lotto ticket...

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
Bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings...

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while
She gets undressed When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is
Barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"
 
Tarub

Tarub

Senior Audioholic
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.

#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.

#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE
 
billy p

billy p

Audioholic Ninja
My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then
replied,





"Lots of beer, and women with big boobs.:D"
 
adwilk

adwilk

Audioholic Ninja
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then
replied,





"Lots of beer, and women with big boobs.:D"
You silly Canadian... :p
 
billy p

billy p

Audioholic Ninja
Some Blonde jokes...

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
It to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot,
And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she
Bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things
Cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
 
its phillip

its phillip

Audioholic Ninja
far too lazy to search if any of these had been posted before, but here we go:

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says. "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years."

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican .

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?'"



-------------------------------------------------------------------------



After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f*cking Pope as a chauffeur!!"



-----------------------------------------------------------------------



A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."



---------------------------------------------------------------------



A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”



-----------------------------------------------------------------------



A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says "You must work in business."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."



-----------------------------------------------------------------------



A blonde is driving a bit too fast, and is pulled over by a blonde cop.

The blonde cop says "let me see your driver's license".

The blonde driver starts fumbling through her overstuffed purse, but can't seem to find her license.

The cop says "c'mon, it can't be that hard to find. It's rectangular and has your picture on it."

The blonde driver continues rifling through the purse, and finally feels the only rectangular object in her purse: a small mirror.

She looks at it, sees herself, shrugs and hands it to the cop.

The blonde cop takes one look and says "why didn't you tell me you're a cop? Have a nice day."



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A Father and his son are hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native american sitting on a rock.

The father points to the native american and says, "son, native americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world"

The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native american and says, "What did you have for breakfast last tuesday."

Without hesitation the Native American responds, "eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.

30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native american on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native american. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "HOW"

Native American responds, "Scrambled."
 
Tarub

Tarub

Senior Audioholic
Daddy, how was I born?

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down...You'll love this .......


















'You got Male!


 
its phillip

its phillip

Audioholic Ninja
maybe he thought it was so lame he was gonna give you negative rep :D
 
Rickster71

Rickster71

Audioholic Spartan
What Men Drink and Why.


CIDER
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

CHEAP DOMESTIC BEER
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.

CASTLE LAGER BEER
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

IMPORTED BEER
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

GUINNESS
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

WATER
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so that he can still get laid

WINE
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.

VODKA OR BRANDY
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.

PORT
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

WHISKEY/JACK DANIELS
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

JIM BEAM
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.

RUM OR TEQUILA
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

BACARDI BREEZER, RED SQUARE, ARCHERS COOLER, SMIRNOFF ICE, ETC
He’s gay (blatantly) - don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change.

CLAUSTHALER - Non Alcohol Beer
See Bacardi Breezer
 

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