Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Dude#1279435]

Dude's Auto Sales-
Bringing back the rustic charm with this 2WD. Starts, runs, and won't let you down! $499.99

 

[haraldo]

During world war II, the two Finish guys Pekka and Toivonnen were on leave in London and spent an evening / night with extensive partying before crawling back to the hotel. This was in the middle of the Blitz war and after Pekka and Toivonen were pissed drunk, the Germans bombed London. Toivonnen wakes up the next morning, goes to the window and pulls asides the curtains.

Toivonen looks out across the bombed-out neighborhood where the hotel is about the only thing standing, scratches his chest and says to Pekka: "Pekka, Pekka! there is no way we are able to pay for this"

 

[Alex2507]

 

[panteragstk]

View attachment 49747

I see you've started a new business. Willing to bet you're doing quite well.

 

[Verdinut]

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening. They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep in the same building as a cow.” So the rabbi says, “It’s okay, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But soon, he is back knocking on the door as well, saying, “There is a pig in the barn, and I cannot shelter in a building with a pig.” So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. Shortly, there is another knock on the door and the farmer sighs and answers it. It’s the pig and the cow.

 

[Verdinut]

My children laugh because they think I'm insane

I laugh because they don't know it's hereditary!

 

[Verdinut]

No matter how hard you try Sir, said the pretty Marquise, you will never have my heart.

I was not aiming so high, Madame, he replied.

(Translated Quote from Molière)

 

[Verdinut]

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”

“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

“Dad sued me for the money.”

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

I’m starting up a new restaurant that serves curry poured over french fries
It’s called “Curry On My Wayward Spud”.
And yes.. There’ll be peas when you are done.

 

[Verdinut]

 

[Trebdp83]

 

[Verdinut]

 

[cornemuse]

 

[davidscott]

A little Audiophile joke
What do you call a policeman floating in space without a suit?
Oxygen free copper.
Bazinga!

 

[davidscott]

View attachment 50245

Man that is funny!

 

[Verdinut]

Patient: “Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!”
Doctor: “So why are you telling me?”
Patient: “I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?”

 

[MR.MAGOO]

 

[Verdinut]

A Case of the Plastic Horses
Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him?

The doctor described his condition as stable.

 

[Verdinut]

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

 

[John Parks]

Don't get me started on Bipolar models...