Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Verdinut]

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."​

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[Verdinut]

​ A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde, "Stand in the circle and don't move!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times."​

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[MR.MAGOO]

View attachment 48506

 

[MR.MAGOO]

​ A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde, "Stand in the circle and don't move!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times."​

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I think the blond with the new sports car had just shopped at the hardware store for these:

 

[Verdinut]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the surface over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune .........................

The Store manager sees her and shuts the electric horse off.

 

[Verdinut]

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling. The barmaid went to the bathroom to check on him. ''Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers.''

''Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!''

''Sir, please get off the mop bucket.''

 

[Verdinut]

After retirement, Mr Smith, aged over 65, married a 25 year old young woman* .....

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

*“I'm eager to spend time with you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”*

His friends advised him : *Keep a young tenant at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person*.

*Mr. Nath promptly acted on their advise and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant*

Now the friends were meeting more often. One day the friends jokingly asked, : *“How is your wife now*?”

*Mr Nath* : "She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy and in fact *she is pregnant*"

The friends laughed, as they expected this. *And how is the tenant?*” they asked.

Nath replied very soberly *“She is also pregnant* .,.”

Moral of the story: Never ever underestimate a Senior

 

[MR.MAGOO]

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old rooster.

The new cocky rooster arrives and proclaims, "Stand aside old man, you're done! I'm in charge here now."

The old rooster replies, "I know my time has come, but the rule here is whoever wins a race around the farm is the one who will be in charge."

The young rooster agrees to race knowing he will win easily.

The old rooster says, "Look we both know you are younger and faster but I ask, please, spare me my dignity. Let me get off to a quick head start and then you can take over and win the race at the end."

The youngster, still knowing he will win, says, "Sure thing, old timer."

On the count of 3 the race starts, the old rooster jumps out to the lead but the young one starts to close the gap around half way.

They make the final turn and the young rooster is zooming up about to easily pass the old rooster when suddenly,


BANG!!

The farmer shoots the young rooster, instantly killing him.

-

The farmer sighs, "Damnit, that's the fourth gay rooster I've bought this month."

 

[Verdinut]

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.00. She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people." Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam". "That's not so bad," she thought. A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either. Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. The parrot again spoke out... This time it said, "Hi Ray!" The woman met with a divorce attorney the next day.​

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[Atlas-Athena]

Haha

 

[Verdinut]

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.

'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

 

[MR.MAGOO]

 

[Trell]

View attachment 48891

Your point is that executions should be as painful and dehumanizing as possible?

 

[Verdinut]

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation. ​

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[Trebdp83]

Your point is that executions should be as painful and dehumanizing as possible?

Well, yeah. You know, like going to the DMV. Sorry, kidding, I thought the ridiculousness of it was funny.

 

[MR.MAGOO]

Your point is that executions should be as painful and dehumanizing as possible?

Your point is that executions should be as painful and dehumanizing as possible?

Well, the ones on death row usually end up there by causing a painful and dehumanizing death to someone else.

 

[MR.MAGOO]

Doubtless any cat lovers here will find this offensive.

 

[MR.MAGOO]

 

[TankTop5]

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities