Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

j_garcia

j_garcia

Audioholic Jedi
WARNING! SCAM ALERT! Be on the lookout for these two women. They are hanging out around the Target and Wal-Mart parking lots. When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald's.They are very convincing and very hot!
Once in your car this one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over you while she keeps you busy, the other one takes your wallet. I've had mine taken on the 1st, 3rd, 4th and twice yesterday and probably two more times tomorrow. Wal-Mart has wallets for $2.99,but I found some at the Dollar Store for .99¢ so I bought all they had. These two harlets not only take your wallet, but you never even make it to McDonald's so I've already lost 10lbs. Keep a lookout for them. ( I find lunch time and around 5:30 are the best times)


 
avliner

avliner

Audioholic Chief
Mighty John,

gotta thank you for the tip indeed, as I was just heading down to Home Depot, so I'm guessing I'd be better off heading towards Target, no?? Gonna get your tip as well and will stop by first at the Dollar Store, for a "full recharging", though :p:cool:
 
Dan

Dan

Audioholic Chief
An old man and his wife go to the doctor's office. After waiting a while, the nurse comes out and tells him the doctor wants a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.

The old man doesn't hear to well, so he asks his wife, "WHAT DID SHE SAY?"

The wife answers, "SHE WANTS YOU TO GIVE HER YOUR UNDERPANTS!"
 
Alex2507

Alex2507

Audioholic Slumlord
I went to the doc and he said I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why. He said, "cause I'm trying to examine you."
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
A waiter in a fine restaurant is standing watching over his tables in order to better serve them.

Suddenly, he notices that at one table where a man and woman are dining, the man quietly and quickly slips down under the table and the woman carries on as if nothing happened.

the waiter, naturally perplexed, goes to the woman and says "Excuse ma'am, but your husband just slid under the table".

Unfazed, the woman calmly responded "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
Teacher: "Johnny, if I gave you two cats and then another two cats, and then yet another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven"

Teacher: "Let's try this again. if I gave you two cats and then another two cats, and then yet another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let's try this from another angle. If I gave you two apples, and then another wo apples, and then yet another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Johnny: "Six"

Teacher: "I just asked you the same question but using different objects. Why did you say seven and then six"?

Johnny: "Because I already have a bleepin' cat!"
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
So, three liberal arts students and three engineering students are going by train to an away game.

The liberal arts students buy three tickets and notice the engineering students only buy one.

The lib arts students ask how do the engineering students get away with that. One of the engineering students says "just watch".

so, they each sit down and as soon as the train starts moving, the engineering students all go into the bathroom and close the door.

The conductor comes by and says to the lib arts students "Tickets please" and they give him their tickets.

The conductor cones to the bathroom, knocks, and says "Ticket please" and one arm comes out and hands him the ticket.

The lib arts students are amazed.

So, on the return trip the lib arts students buy one ticket, but the engineering students don't buy any.

Now, the lobbied are rally flummoxed. They ask them how can they get by with no tickets.

They again say "Just watch".

so, they are all in their seats, the train starts moving and the two groups each jump into two bathrooms.

One of the engineering students comes out of their bathroom, goes to the bathroom where the lobbies are, knocks on the door, and says "Ticket please".
 
H

herbu

Audioholic Samurai
I don't need to go to a strip club. When I want to see live nude dancing, I just flush the commode when my wife's in the shower.
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Warlord
ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

by John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought – ” Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
How to speak Irish.

Whale

Oil

Beef

Hooked.

Say those four words fast.
 
C

Chu Gai

Audioholic Samurai
A teacher asked her six grade class how many of them were Hillary Clinton fans. Not really knowing what a Hillary Clinton fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny., The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different.... Again. Little Johnny said, because I'm not a Hillary Clinton, fan. The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, well, my mom's a Republican and my dads a Republican, so I'm a Republican. Annoyed by this answer. The teacher asked, if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you? Little Johnny replied, that would make me a Hillary Clinton fan.
 
Rickster71

Rickster71

Audioholic Spartan
(Hope this isn't a repeat)

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f@#%ing wife."
 
Alex2507

Alex2507

Audioholic Slumlord
That awkward moment when you reach out to stroke your doctor's hair while he examines your testicles ... :D
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
That even more awkward moment when your proctologist is examining you and you realize that both of his hands are on your shoulders.
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
Paddy spent the night getting drunk at the corner pub. He decides to leave, gets up, and falls flat on his face.

He gets up again and the same thing happens. He thinks that once he gets in the fresh air his head will clear up so he crawls outside.

He takes a few deep breaths of fresh air and, using a streetlamp for support, he pulls himself up. He lets go and falls down again.

He knows he's only block from home so he crawls home and quietly crawls into bed so as to not wake Mrs. Paddy.


He is woken up in the morning by his wife yelling "Ah, I see ya went out and got Shiite faced last night I see."

Thinking he can get away with it he says "No dear. I went out for a long walk. Why do you think I was out drinking?"

She says "Well, the pub just called and said you left your wheelchair there again."
 
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