Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[markw]

This came to mind after reading a recent thread...

 

[markw]

Ever have a vacuum cleaner that wouldn't start?

Maybe you're not doing it right...

 

[Adam]

If Your Dog Could Text, He Would Probably Send You Messages Like These.

 

[markw]

So, what do you do for a living?

 

[herbu]

Zio should not be concerned. These days, Hollywood will likely make a sitcom about him soon.

 

[markw]

This is the Jersey girl Springstein sang about.

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.....
The first man married a woman from Utah . He told her that she was to
do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on
the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from California . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from New Jersey . He ordered her to
keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed,
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the
third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he
could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has
some difficulty when he pees.

 

[Adam]

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

 

[herbu]

"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."

More "Demotivators" here... http://www.despair.com/demotivators.html

 

[Adam]

"It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others."

More "Demotivators" here... Demotivators®, The World's Best Demotivational Posters

Man, I love those things! For almost 20 years, I get tempted off and on to buy some of that stuff, but I still haven't. Thanks for reminding me - they have some new ones since the last time that I looked. I forget when it is, but they (at least used to) have a decent sale periodically.

 

[markw]

Forrest Gump was wrong.

Close, but wrong none the less

 

[markw]

Grounds for Divorce

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,”the judge said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ‘yes’.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

 

[markw]

Didja ever think you should say something...

... but then have second thoughts because it's just too good?

 

[markw]

So, a guy comes home to find his wife in the bedroom packing her clothes.

He says "Honey, where are you going?"

She oglares at him and spits out "I'm going to New York!!!"

He asks "Why would you want to do that? Aren't you happy?"

She says "I just found out thet in New York I can get $500 for doing what I do to you for free!" and walks out of the room the carry her suitcase downstairs.

She comes back to pack another suitcase and finds her husband packing his suitcase. Now it's her turn: She asks "Why are you packing? Where are you going?"

He says "I'm going to New York"

She asks "Why would you want to go there?"

He says "I want to see you live on $1,000 a year".

 

[markw]

I wonder why this new candy isn't selling well?

Moreso, I wonder how they make them.

 

[Ponzio]

Our Professional Athletes...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

 

[jp_over]

In the spirit of #12:

Pogue Colonel: Marine, what is that button on your body armor?
Private Joker: A peace symbol, sir.

Pogue Colonel: Where'd you get it?
Private Joker: I don't remember, sir.

Pogue Colonel: What is that you've got written on your helmet?
Private Joker: "Born to Kill", sir.

Pogue Colonel: You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
Private Joker: No, sir.

Pogue Colonel: You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant **** on you.
Private Joker: Yes, sir.

Pogue Colonel:
Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man.
Private Joker: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.

Pogue Colonel: The what?
Private Joker: The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.

Pogue Colonel: Whose side are you on, son?
Private Joker: Our side, sir.

Pogue Colonel: Don't you love your country?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.

Pogue Colonel: Then how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.

Pogue Colonel: Son, all I've ever asked of my marines is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God. We are here to help the Vietnamese, because inside every gook there is an American trying to get out. It's a hardball world, son. We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.

Private Joker: Aye-aye, sir.

 

[defmoot]

In the spirit of Pogue Colonel:

Q: What did Marxists use before candles?

.

.

.

A: Electricity...

.

.

 

[Alex2507]

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. He decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it...The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She then tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought hard and long about how each of the women had spent the money, he then decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

 

[defmoot]

^^^
Simple solutions to complex problems...

 

[MidnightSensi2]

Thanks, Internet!