Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Ponzio

Ponzio

Audioholic Samurai
Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT INSTALL Mother-In-Law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.


Good Luck,
Tech Support
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
Special! This week only!

It's Palindrome week! Every day this week is the same forwards and backwards.
 
Ponzio

Ponzio

Audioholic Samurai
The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened, where woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch; you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Warlord
It's Palindrome week! Every day this week is the same forwards and backwards.
Only in USA!!!
How does this work in Europe, Downunder and Asia where dates are written in the standard way?

13/4/2014
14/4/2014
15/4/2014
16/4/2014
17/4/2014
18/4/2014
19/4/2014
 
Ponzio

Ponzio

Audioholic Samurai
Math Trick


How to Change a Number 1 into a Number 2

 
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Rickster71

Rickster71

Audioholic Spartan
Husband’s Message to wife (by cellphone):


Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.


Wife’s Response:
Who is Paula?
 
H

herbu

Audioholic Samurai
During a long day of looking around a car show, me, and a couple of my friends, stopped in at "Hooter's" for some Hot Wings and a few beers... After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."
I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

My older pals will understand this.
 
H

herbu

Audioholic Samurai
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO, I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

“How much do you charge?”


“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it”, I said.

Six months later, the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week, for a year, is
$12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00.”

“I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude, he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

FORGET THE SHRINKS...HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER! IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "That was fantastic! I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. Are you a doctor?"

"No," she says, "A divorce attorney."


 
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Ponzio

Ponzio

Audioholic Samurai
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch and one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with O'Riley," he sheepishly responded.

"O'Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord! Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did... Mrs.O'Riley's tit," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
Parents, always proof-read your child's homework.

You never know what the little tykes are thinking of.
 
H

herbu

Audioholic Samurai
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $3500. Tux rental-$75. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES
� If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.
� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT
� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back..
� When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.

MONEY
� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
� A woman has the last word in any argument.
� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..
� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
� A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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</tbody>

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</tbody>
 
TLS Guy

TLS Guy

Seriously, I have no life.
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $3500. Tux rental-$75. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES
� If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.
� If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT
� When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back..
� When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.

MONEY
� A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
� A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
� A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
� The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
� A woman has the last word in any argument.
� Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
� A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
� A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
� A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
� A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
� A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
� A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
� Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..
� Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
� A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
� A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

<tbody>
</tbody>

<tbody>
</tbody>
Yup, that has me pegged! Just love that life.
 
M

Midwesthonky

Audioholic General
Yup, that has me pegged! Just love that life.
Yeah, me too. But I did worry about the future before I got married. Mostly what next year's car models and ATV/Snowmobile/motorcycles models would offer for engines, features, etc. I had more toys before I was married...

Wife changed purses for spring. I know this because the kids asked about it, not because I actually noticed. I still have the same wallet.
 
TLS Guy

TLS Guy

Seriously, I have no life.
Yeah, me too. But I did worry about the future before I got married. Mostly what next year's car models and ATV/Snowmobile/motorcycles models would offer for engines, features, etc. I had more toys before I was married...

Wife changed purses for spring. I know this because the kids asked about it, not because I actually noticed. I still have the same wallet.
I think this likely rings true in the Midwest than elsewhere.
 
H

herbu

Audioholic Samurai
DIVORCE VS MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
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