Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[gmichael]

How did you get them out of the sack in the first place?

I'm guessing that the Dyson took care of that.

 

[markw]

Guess My Age

A vain woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, ''I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?''

''About 35,''he replied. ''I'm actually 47,'' the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.

He replied, ''Oh, you look about 29.'' ''I am actually 47!'' she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, ''I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.'' There was no one around, so the woman said, What the hell?'' and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After taking his time feeling around for a while, the old man finally said, ''OK, You are 47.''

Stunned, the woman said, ''That was brilliant! How did you do that?''

The old man replied, ''I was behind you in line at McDonald's.''

 

[STRONGBADF1]

[h=5]Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”[/h]

 

[markw]

You can't believe what women tell you.

Back when I was dating, I met this girl who said she loved to laugh and being surprised. Yet, when I knocked on her bedroom window that night dressed as a clown she went all ballistic and called the cops.

 

[STRONGBADF1]

Back when I was dating, I met this girl who said she loved to laugh and being surprised. Yet, when I knocked on her bedroom window that night dressed as a clown she went all ballistic and called the cops.

Did you have a pizza with you?

 

[Tarub]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir.. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back?'
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[bizmord]

After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband always used a dildo on her!
She said "Explain the dildo Prick?"
He said ... "explain the kids B*tch"

 

[gmichael]

Two housewives went out to lunch together. One said, "I've got to be very
careful not to get pregnant again." The second asked, "But didn't your husband
get a vasectomy?" The first replied, "Yeah, that's why I have to be
careful."

 

[Adam]

Another good run of Amazon reviews, this time for the Plodes RECH reDO Lawn Chair.

Examples:

"'I've owned a lot of expensive chairs in my lifetime. My first highchair was created entirely out of the gilded relics of saints, my favorite arm chair is 60% filled with comet dust (the other 40% is seductive velour) and the office chair I'm currently occupying is Brad Pitt. Seriously, he just kneels there patiently and holds me, a look of quiet contemplation on his face. I'm here to tell you that all these chairs mean NOTHING to me now that I own the Plodes RECH reDO Lawn Chair...even you, Brad-chair."

"The title of this listing, although boasting an impressive mix of capital and lowercase letters, really does not do the chair justice. Plodes is known for making top quality lawn furnishings, but they really went over the top with their new RECH reDO line. I was pleasantly surprised to find that this chair does not arrive in the standard cardboard amazon box, but was personally delivered to my house by Selma Hayek, who carried the chair on 7 white tigers."

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Part 3:
Name the tune:

 

[Tarub]

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
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[GoFastr]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:


Dear Mrs. Harris,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6 In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[STRONGBADF1]

[h=5]An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."[/h]

 

[GoFastr]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Bubba – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Bubba, what is 1 and 1?”

“11″ he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”

“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Bubba supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

“Now Bubba, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Bubba looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Bubba wandered over to the general store where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Bubba was exultant.

“It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

 

[Rickster71]

Tools Explained

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TOOLS EXPLAINED DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --' SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Son of a b*tch TOOL:[/COLOR] Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. ​ ​ ​ ​

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[BoredSysAdmin]

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks
the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess.
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You're in my closet now.

 

[Jeff R.]

Rickster - You forgot one additional tool.

Flashlight - A plastic case for storing dead batteries.

 

[j_garcia]

My flashlights aren't plastic

 

[Tarub]

 

[gmichael]

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.