Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[gmichael]

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

 

[gmichael]

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

 

[gmichael]

The poor husband[/COLOR]

"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend.
"She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
​

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

 

[STRONGBADF1]

Just for BSA...

 

[Tarub]

Two old ladies outside a nursing home smoking when it starts to rain. One lady pulls out a condom, cuts the end & put it over her Cig, continued smokin.
Her friend asks, "whats that?",

"A condom so my Cig doesn't get wet",

"Where u get it?",

"You get them at a shop".

Next day her friend goes to a shop, asks the pharmacist for condoms, surprised he looks at her strangely as she is well over 80 yrs old, but asks her what brand?

"Doesn't matter, as long as it fits a camel".. the pharmacist fainted.

 

[gmichael]

Little Boy Blue,
please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet
and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard
and now she is sick.
You put out the fire
on Jack’s candle stick.
Your sneeze is the reason
why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle
when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry!
The sheep are upset!
From now on use tissues
so no one gets wet!

 

[gmichael]

It’s OK to tell a secret
to a dolphin or a seal,
but a pig cannot be trusted,
for a pig will always squeal!

 

[Steve81]

 

[sparkymark]

what does a womans ******* do when shes having an orgasm?? hes down the bar getting drunk with his friends....

 

[Rickster71]

NIGHT WATCHMAN


Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created two positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back."


So they laid-off the night watchman.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

I was out to the pub "Murphy's" earlier last evening, had a few cold ones.
I noticed two large women seated at the bar, both had strong accents.


So I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"


One of them chirped "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"


So I immediately apologized and said....


"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"


Then the lights went out.

 

[facebookf22]

A Few Jokes

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly
woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture for 30 minutes on the benefits of brown bread…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
Lo

 

[jp_over]

Ta-dah!

A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. So a man volunteered and went up on stage. There was a 16 pound sledgehammer sitting on stage next to a cement block. The magician told his volunteer to pick up the sledgehammer and break the block apart, so the audience would know the sledgehammer was real.

So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might & shattered the cement block. Next, the magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer.

The man was horrified; he said, "No way. It'll probably kill you."
The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be fine. I promise you — go ahead."

The man swung the sledgehammer at the magicians face. He struck the magician, knocking him flat on the ground.

After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, "Ta-da!"

 

[Rickster71]

Jimmy Kimmel - The Confusing Question of the Day

I wasn't sure where to post this. It's too funny for the You Tube thread.

 

[twoeyedbob]

Is that like a robot terrorist ....lol lol

Sent from my HTC Vision using Tapatalk 2

 

[markw]

So,this blonde is shopping at Macy's...

..ad she spots this shiny, cylindrical object on display.

She asks the salesman "Excuse me, what is this?"

He says "It's a Thermos bottle".

Curious, she asks "What's a thermos?"

Salesman says" It keeps hot stuff hot and cold things cold."

She says "Ohhh... I've just GOT to have one of those. I'll take one."

So, she takes it to work and puts it on her desk.

A co-worker sees it and asks "Excuse me, but what is this?"

She says "It's a Thermos bottle".

Curious, he asks "What's a thermos?"

Blondie says" It keeps hot stuff hot and cold things cold."

He says "Neat! What do you have in it?"

She says "Two popsicles and some coffee."

 

[Alex2507]

I wasn't sure where to post this. It's too funny for the You Tube thread.

I was eye balling the last respondent trying to figure out if she might be a plum smuggler but as soon as she started talking I no longer cared.

 

[markw]

Befors I met the lovely Mrs W, I dated a blonde for s short time.

I mentioned that July 4th fell on Friday that year.

She replied "I sure hope it isn't on the 13th!"

 

[Rickster71]

[h=5]A Scotsman Englishman and a Irishman Were drinking in a NY City bar.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.

"No not me self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."[/h]