Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[haraldo]

Check out this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bekQU9l8hk&NR=1

 

[Midcow2]

Looking forward to marriage ... think again guess what starts FIGHTS ?

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

A nd then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --- ------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told th e woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go ho m e and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- - -------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----



My wife and I were sitt ing at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept star in g at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my or der first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, pl ease."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the ma d cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


------------ --------- --------- ---


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----< BR>
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt l ook big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yester day

and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....


------------ --------- --------- --- ------ --------- ----


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
< BR>And then the fight started ...


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I ha ven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----


My wife and I are watching Who Wants T o Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

 

[Midcow2]

Drug Names The things people come up with --- and Drug Research

The things people come up with ---

Drug Names
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of:


Drug Research

Project Code Name: MOUNT & DO.


Later LOL, JOKE

MidCow2
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Rickster71]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life. I ain't got no
idea what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavyset old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled be tween them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it r eached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........

"Boy..................go gitcha Momma.............."

 

[Shock]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

[j_garcia]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. ( I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying &%!$?# YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is som ething that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[Midcow2]

CARP - (Canadian Association of Retired Persons) survey responses

This is funny, even funnier if you are as "Old As Dirt" .. .and don't as me why I know or why it is so funny to me

DISCLAIMER - Absolutely NO OFFENSE is meant to Davemcc or any other Canadians!!

============

Questions and Answers from a CARP Forum (Canadian Association of Retired Persons)



Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.


Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.


Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where=2
0can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt '


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.


Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.


Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.


SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?



------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Matt34]

Denny's new breakfast

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny’s is offering a new breakfast meal:
You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill!

 

[jostenmeat]

Why can't Barbie and Ken ever have kids?


Ken comes in a different box.

 

[jamie2112]

Why can't Barbie and Ken ever have kids?


Ken comes in a different box.

And all this time I thought it was because they were plastic.....what do I know I guess....

 

[Davemcc]

DISCLAIMER - Absolutely NO OFFENSE is meant to Davemcc or any other Canadians!!

I think you would have a hard time offending me...

 

[Alex2507]

Replace 'electricians' with 'plumbers' and it's MUCH funnier!

Especially to Rick.

 

[Midcow2]

Who is better on the computer ? -Jesus versus Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly
God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those
results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded (after checking for viruses and worms).

They did spreadsheets! with pivot tables

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards and sent PMs.

They created SPL charts and speaker graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They particpated on the Audioholic's forums.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hel*.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the
power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted
their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power
went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from the past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he
has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES


Have a great day!

MidCow2

 

[haraldo]

ha ha ha ha, good one Midcow

 

[haraldo]

Norwegian stories, part 1 of 2 - Maniac Bikers, © Haraldo (1998)

This story is about a maniac biker

This is a true story and it happened an ugly winter’s day in Oslo, Norway. This was early in the morning as “Per”, an employee of Ivarans Shipping Services was driving to work. The weather was as bad as it possibly can get in Norway at midwinter. It was freezing, sleet in the air, and you could barely see past the front of the car. It was at this instance that he noticed a lady on a bicycle coming from his right, it looked like an exocet rocket coming from the dark, almost at the speed of light. The lady hit the center of the right front wing of the car and she looked almost like a professional ski jumper as she “flew” across the front of the car. If this was a ski jumping contest she would certainly be awarded a 5 times 20, which is the highest possible score in ski jumping. Per was shocked, before he even got to the brake, it was all over.

Per stopped the car as quickly as he possibly could, and jumped into the trenches where the lady was lying completely still, she was not moving at all and to be honest, she seemed to be DEAD. Even more, she had some white stuff around her mouth, well in fact, all over her face, this looked like some kind of drewl.....

Per now got flashes of the future he was looking at, years upon years behind the bars….
Before Per even got to touch the lady to check if she was really dead, she leaped up in front of him, and told him, “Gee, that was a close call”. In a state of shock, Per asked the lady if she was alright, and what that white drewl on her face was ?

The lady quickly replied. “Oh, no worries, I’m quite alright. You know, to save myself a few minutes in the morning I brush my teeth as I am riding the bike to work, and the white stuff, that’s toothpaste, is that a problem ?”

(yes, this is an 11 year old story)

 

[Shock]

^^ I don't get it.

 

[haraldo]

I never explain my jokes

 

[mike c]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION from a very reliable DOCTOR!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

 

[markw]

Woom!

Three gents were drinking apple martinis in a bar and had gotten to the stage of arguing about details.

“I tell you it’s spelled W-O-O-M,” the first said loudly.

“No no, no,” the second protested. “It’s W-O-O-0-M.’

“You’re both wrong,” the third ventured.

“I say it’s W-O-O-M-B.”

A gynecologst passing spoke up. “You’re getting close,” she told them. “Actually, it’s W-O-M-B.”

They stared at her a moment, then stared at each other. Finally one spoke:

“Madam,” he said, “it’s obvious that you’ve never heard an elephant fart.”

 

[Matt34]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ...Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.