Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Nemo128

Nemo128

Audioholic Field Marshall
Why does California have the most lawyers while New Jersey has the most landfills? Because New Jersey got first choice!

Also cool link. :D

I just find jokes on specific people, regardless of what side of the isle they sit on, redundant and boring. You could have used George Bush and **** Cheney and I still would think that. BUT I think we can all agree that lawyers in general are slime. :cool:
 
billy p

billy p

Audioholic Ninja
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
> elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...



> A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
> service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

> Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

> The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
> forever.

> At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
> all eyes stared at him, he said,

> "I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist."
 
njedpx3

njedpx3

Audioholic General
House Cleaning



Sometimes on a PC, the only solution is a power-on reset especially if you don't have a whole HOUSE surge protector.

Peace, Good Sound and Good Future (hopefully :rolleyes:) ,

Forest Man
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Warlord
What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean...................




























A good start :p
 
bandphan

bandphan

Banned
Im sure that there is a joke in here somewhere :confused:

 
Last edited by a moderator:
billy p

billy p

Audioholic Ninja
What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean...................
A good start :p


Hah..2 lawyers are sitting on a bench. The 1st lawyer sees a pretty womam walk by and states, "I'd like to fcuk her" and the second one says, "outta what"....lol.:p
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Warlord
One student wrote in his diploma "as nobody is gonna read my diploma , for making calculation easier I'll suppose in this project that pi=5"
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Warlord
A student 's gonna go on vacation 1st time...His friends tell him "You should at least buy a suitcase".

student asks"What for?". They say "HmmmYou'll pack your trousers,shirt,jacket into this suitcase".

student says: "Aha! And what will I wear then?"
 
adwilk

adwilk

Audioholic Ninja
......Suddendly, the bushes behind them rustle, startling the group. They all turn in fear to see the Korean jump out and yell...

"SUPPLIES!!!!!!!"

:D
Dude, I have no idea why, but this stupid joke freakin kills me every time. Absolutely kills me... I freakin love it...
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Warlord
One student is going along the street and crying.Another one comes to him and asks why he criess.

First one says:
- Our deacon's fallen out of the window today.It was 5th floor. He's dead. When he fell out there were so much blood all over...

- And why do you cry? (asks second one)
- 'coz I didnt see this!
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Warlord
on a lecture a professor explains to students of psychology

- The best way to help a girl to come down when she cries out is to kiss her

- Well, professor, a student asks...Could you tell us also how to make her to be in this condition?
 
Tarub

Tarub

Senior Audioholic
Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.



So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.



She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.



The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.



After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.







It read:



'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Warlord
Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
 
G

Gizmologist

Junior Audioholic
Question:

Do you know why God created woman with the honeypot so close to the sh*thouse?

So when they get drunk, you can carry them home like a six pack.
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Warlord
We're not exactly rocket scientists....

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story) :D

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


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"Defrost the chicken."
 
njedpx3

njedpx3

Audioholic General
The real reason the chicken crossed the road



Smile and Be Happy,

Forest Man :D
 
billy p

billy p

Audioholic Ninja
The Widow and the Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place
an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and
no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
 
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