Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[jlcct]

Let's go the other direction...

What did the mexican say when his house fell on him?

Ayy gid off me homes.

 

[jamie2112]

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw um let them cry in the dark........

 

[Davemcc]

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw um let them cry in the dark........

I wish my grass was Emo so it would cut itself.

 

[itschris]

What's the difference between jelly and jam? .....I can't jelly my @#$% in your mouth. .....did I go to far?

HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! That's f-ing hilarious. I tried to tell my buddy that joke about 3 times just now and he couldn't understand me because I would start laughing so much.

 

[Rickster71]

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."



Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"



The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue .

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

 

[Rickster71]

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only


the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said


softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming


or this is going to be my lucky day!"


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then


gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterward she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,


her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[njedpx3]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married.. There was only one

little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful

younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations... She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:








Always keep your condoms in your car..


Peace and good sound!

Forest Man

 

[njedpx3]

Divorce Vs. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some Cyanide."The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"


The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Peace and Good Humor,

Forest Man

 

[billy p]

Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about....

Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there....

 

[njedpx3]

Two Feet of Snow

Peace and Good Sound,


Forest Man

P.S. - Had a dusting of snow at the cabin will post a picture later !

 

[njedpx3]

We are in trouble...

The
Population of this country is 300 million.



160
Million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the
Work.




There are 85 million in school.




Which leaves 55 million to do the work.





Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
Government.




Leaving 20 million to do the work.




2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
With killing Osama
Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 17.2
Million to do the work.




Take from that total the 15.8
Million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
Leaves 1.4 million to do the work.




At any given
Time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.



Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people
In prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the
Work.





You and me.



And there
You are,



Sitting on your ***,


At your computer, reading Audioholic jokes..



Nice. Real nice.

Peace and Good Sound,

Forest Man

 

[njedpx3]

Kids Are Quick

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O..
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right ... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

 

[njedpx3]

Contribution

VERY INSPIRING!!!
As we get older, we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges. Forest Man is such a person.

Forest Man says: "I've often been asked, what do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well,I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning wine, beer, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

Peace and Good Sound to ALL,

Forest Man

 

[njedpx3]

Now we have come full circle

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovel, mount your *sses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your *sses and light up a camel: this is the promised land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovels, taxed your *sses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land!

I got so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. that I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....



It's a joke ..lighten up and laugh ..you will feel better

Peace,

Forest Man

 

[njedpx3]

gotta Love the South

ALABAMA






A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"















Georgia









The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about

paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."















Louisiana









A senior at LouisianaState University was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana. "When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything

happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."









Mississippi








The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell,

but I got the license number."









North Carolina




NEWS FLASH! - North Carolina's worst air disaster occurred! A small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of North Carolina students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.











Arkanssas








A man in Arkansas had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."











Tennessee









A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"









Texas









The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep", he replied. "That's why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage."









You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north


Peace ..I am retiring to my National Woods Cabin

Forest Man

 

[billy p]

The Newfie Painter

Garge, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His
fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in
Gander for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked Garge if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first
time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no
object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Garge asked the lady to
wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.
In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "
Would be me pleasure
ma'am. Missus says it's okay. . I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta
leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes.. . .."

Sorry Go Nad...

 

[Rickster71]

UNIVERSAL LAWS


1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold..

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

[billy p]

Top 4 rated adult jokes...

Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your


breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing

his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist

appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home

one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but

Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once

that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my

penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did..' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,

'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird

fifty years ago...'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as

hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other

is in your oatmeal.

===============================================

 

[markw]

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant escort were surrounded and captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.

Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die contented.'
...

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York, so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.
...

Brian Williams said, 'I'm always a professional reporter. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over Brian's tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.

Brian said, 'Now I can die happy.'
...

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?

'Kick me in the ***,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ***,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him hard in the ***.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled his M-9 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead! In the resulting confusion, he accurately emptied the remaining 14 rounds into the shocked bad guys. He then pulled his concealed boot knife slashed the throat of the one still alive, and with the terrorist's AK-47, sprayed the rest of the shocked terrorists, emptying the magazine and killing another 11.

In under 30 seconds, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine cut Couric, Gibson, and Williams loose, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ***?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three liberal idiots report that I was the unprovoked aggressor?'

 

[Shock]

Okay....that is funny right there^