Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Ares]

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

 

[Ares]

Bad Doctor!


A man goes to the hospital because he is having pains in his stomach. He tells the doc what is wrong and the doc says "You have constipation, you will need to take one of these suppository's every 6 hours for a week. I can help you with the first one." So, reluctantly, the man drops his pants, bends over, and the doc shoves it in.
Later, at home, he is having a little trouble inserting the next one, so he asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, drops his pants and bends over. She then puts one hand on his shoulder and starts pushing it in. "Damn!" the guy screams, "What? Did I hurt you?" his wife replies. "No," said the man "But I just realized something...the doctor put 2 hands on my shoulders!!!"

 

[Ares]

Retirement Bonus


The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."

 

[njedpx3]

The Terrible Looking Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate. 'I feel fine.'

'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

'We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

'OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

'In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.'

'What about that eye patch?'

'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye.'

'You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird poop?'

'Well It was my first day with the new hook.



Peace and Serenity,

It was awesome at the cabin

Forest Man

 

[Seth=L]

What ever happened to Buckeyefan 1?

 

[Nomo]

What ever happened to Buckeyefan 1?

I recall him stopping back here a while back and making one or two posts. Since then, nothing.

I think he's still over at slickdeals.net, but he stated during his return trip that he had completed his set-up and had no more need for us.
OK only part of the above sentence is true.

 

[njedpx3]

A Fishy Story

A Fishy Story

It was the perfect day for a little fishing, but after a while I ran out of bait.
Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I grabbed my bottle of whiskey (hey, don't laugh: it's the best part of fishing!) and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him without incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught a big bass, too!
A couple hours later I felt something brush my leg. I looked down and there was that same snake looking up at me. He had two frogs in his mouth.

======

Now the real story. I was at my cabin and went down to the second pond and went fishing for an hour or so. The first bass hit it was about 2 lbs. and then a couple of samml ones and a perch, then a 1 1/2 lbs, then another about the same size. That is the real fish story

Peace and Serenity,

Forest man

 

[billy p]

The 5 Surgeons....

are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

 

[njedpx3]

Smart People who voted for .....

Actual call center conversations!




Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.

So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been
promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was

transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............

Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently

suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'




Peace and Serenity ..hope you had a laugh

Forest Man

 

[Alex2507]

What ever happened to Buckeyefan 1?

I think he quit when he saw that I got my second green chicklet.

 

[billy p]

His & hers diary

HER
DIARY

Tonight, I
thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans
to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my
friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact
that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on
it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he
didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He
said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing
to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the
way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his
behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you,
too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me
anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He
continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally,
with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise,
he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still
felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere
else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone
else. My life is a disaster.



























HIS
DIARY

My Snowmobile
wouldn't start today, but at least I got
laid.

 

[njedpx3]

Woman with two biggest boobs in history

Peace and Good Laughs,

Forest Man





P.S. - What were you expecting ..a woman with large breasts

 

[6L6X4]

Too bad youtube videos can't be embedded.

This is about the funniest darned thing I've ever seen.

Be sure to watch it all the way till the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvDv0aa4CQo

 

[jamie2112]

Sure they can

 

[njedpx3]

The Stuttering Kitten -

THE STUTTERING KITTEN -


FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD...YOU NEVER KNOW.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," A little girl raises her hand. saying,"I had
a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl
to describe the incident. "Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That
must've been scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back,
went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say '****,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.


Now admit It made you laugh

Peace,

Forest Man

 

[jliedeka]

mixed emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

 

[njedpx3]

The Tunnel

The Tunnel




Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl

With large breasts.




The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.




When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.




No one speaks.




The old lady thinks:

Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him..




The blonde girl thinks:

Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she

slapped him.




Obama thinks:

Bush must have groped

the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.




George Bush thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again



Hope everyone is doing well,

Forest Man

 

[jrcorwin]

Good one...very good

 

[njedpx3]

This is pretty funny and no offense meant to anyone name Mike

DEAF WIFE....."priceless"
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)



"Mike, for THE FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!




Peace and Good Sound,

Forest Man


P.S. Soon I will show you my "spartan" Cabin HT system
.

 

[jlcct]

What's the difference between jelly and jam? .....I can't jelly my @#$% in your mouth. .....did I go to far?