See how this works? A ~reasonably~ smart guy with tools at his disposal but still missing the obvious.
Tommy,
Make the coffee work for you. With coffee you can master the poop cycle. Wake up a little early.
Have a coffee. Take a dump. Wash your @$$. Go to work.
You won't have to use strange toilets ever. You won't be the guy who smells like he just took a dump.
You'll be more productive at work. The economy will improve and we'll be able to afford to:
(To the Beach Boys tune of Barbra-Anne)
Bomb, bomb, bomb ... Bomb Ira-a-an!
... I just couldn't help it!

...