Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[brulaha]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy".

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

[brulaha]

Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl. The other man replies, Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance.

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

So what did she say? asks the friend.

The drunk responded, She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather sh-t in her pants.

 

[brulaha]

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' NO..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' NO."

"But ye screw ONE sheep...."

 

[Rickster71]

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

 

[billy p]

We received this email the other day.

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.




'From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled

'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.




When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?




'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to attach the little cartoons from the email which added to the humor.

 

[sparky77]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us
to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'


The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace..
Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want
to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

 

[markw]

Warning to outdoor types here.

Of course, us couch potatoes don't have a thingto worry about.

 

[billy p]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.


'May I help you sir?' she asked.



'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.


'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, 'Ontario'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

 

[mike c]

Dark meat the movie




No it's not a porno flick.

Turns out this theater in Portland was changing the marquee from Hancock to Dark Knight when the photo was taken…

 

[newaudiofile]

"A machine that can catch thieves was invented, and was to be tested. The first place of testing was in USA and within 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves. Next, it was taken to South Africa and within 20 minutes it caught 100 thieves. It was then taken to Nigeria and within 5 minutes it was stolen!

I love my country!!! "


This was sent to me by a nigerian friend of mine. And I hope this has not been posted before.

 

[mike c]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity with this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Moral of the story:
Before you comment on others, pls. take a good look at yourself first!!!

 

[Midcow2]

A Blonde On Horseback

A BLONDE ON HORSEBACK
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello

 

[davo]

Olympic officials admit there's a problem with lighting levels inside the stadiums after noticing 95% of the spectators seem to be squinting.

 

[unreal.freak]

Olympic officials admit there's a problem with lighting levels inside the stadiums after noticing 95% of the spectators seem to be squinting.

Thats cruel........But still funny!!! LOL!!!!!!

 

[Midcow2]

Southern Baptist Lady

Southern Baptist Lady

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance,
a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine
looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and
said, 'Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?'

'Why yes, that would be nice,' the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked
the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of
South Carolina.

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,
'Would you like a cocktail before dinner?'


'Oh, no,' said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood,

'What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?'


Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn 't say much until
after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked,
'Would you like a smoke?'

'Oh my goodness no,' said the woman. 'I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did?'

Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car
and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday
Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, 'Ahhh .. mmmm how would you
like to stop at this motel?'

'Sure, that would be nice,' she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right
then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most
incredible sex and perversions imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Southern Belle lying there in the bed and with
remorse thought, 'What the hell have I done? He shook her awake an d
pleaded, 'I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to
tell your Sunday School class?'

The lady said, 'The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time.'

 

[Midcow2]

Walking Eagle

Whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, you might enjoy reading this...'Walking Eagle' Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York

HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American' S present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer fly.

 

[unreal.freak]

Whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, you might enjoy reading this...'Walking Eagle' Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York

HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American' S present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer fly.

LOL!!!! Good one!!!

 

[jamie2112]

Whats the difference between a lead singer and a pig?
The pig won't stay up all night trying to screw a lead singer....Thanks, I'll be here all week....try the veal....

 

[Midcow2]

I Think You're The Father Of One Of My Kids!

I Think You're The Father Of One Of My Kids!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him.
He waves back and says Hello. He's rather taken
aback because he can't place
exactly where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know
me?" To which she
replies, "I think you're the father of one of my
kids.

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has
ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table
with all my buddies watching while your friend
whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm
your son's teacher."

 

[Rickster71]

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

'Hmm...' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

'Aha!' said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors..

Snip-snip-snip- snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip- snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look,but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'

The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I
didn't even feel it..What did you do?'

The doctor replied 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots'