Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Johnd]

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks,
"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

[Highlander]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is click Here.

 

[masak_aer]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is click Here.

This had me laughing for a full 3 minutes...hahahaha...good one..good one...

 

[davo]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is click Here.

Damn, I tried to think for a few minutes what objects would even look like '710' , but I had to linky. Very funny.

 

[Kyle Lorenz]

Two peanuts are walking down the street...one got assaulted

 

[stratman]

Nine year old Bobby and his parents come before a judge. The judge tells the parents, "It's been proven in this court that you beat your kid, therefore he will have to live with his grandaparents," suddenly Bobby jumps to his feet and blurts out in a panicky voice, "no your judgeness! Not my granpa and granma, they're worse than my parents!" The judge scratching his head says, "OK Bobby then it'll have to be with your next of kin, aunt Rose," again Bobby wild-eyed and trembling blurts out "Nooo your judgeship! Not crazy aunt Rose she beats me worse than all of them!" The poor perplexed judge was running out of options, but in a stroke of genius he decides to let Bobby choose with whom he'll spend the rest of his life. "Bobby, I'm going to do for you what no judge has done before, I'm going to ask you this just once, so think about it carefully, with whom do you want to live?" Bobby showing clarity of thought and zen-like calmness, turns to the judge and says "judge, I want to live with the Miami Dolphins." The judge, white-faced asks, "why do you want to live with the Miami Dolphins?" Bobby stares back with the saddest puppy-eyes ever seen and sullenly answers, "your honor they can't beat anyone."

 

[gmichael]

Nine year old Bobby and his parents come before a judge. The judge tells the parents, "It's been proven in this court that you beat your kid, therefore he will have to live with his grandaparents," suddenly Bobby jumps to his feet and blurts out in a panicky voice, "no your judgeness! Not my granpa and granma, they're worse than my parents!" The judge scratching his head says, "OK Bobby then it'll have to be with your next of kin, aunt Rose," again Bobby wild-eyed and trembling blurts out "Nooo your judgeship! Not crazy aunt Rose she beats me worse than all of them!" The poor perplexed judge was running out of options, but in a stroke of genius he decides to let Bobby choose with whom he'll spend the rest of his life. "Bobby, I'm going to do for you what no judge has done before, I'm going to ask you this just once, so think about it carefully, with whom do you want to live?" Bobby showing clarity of thought and zen-like calmness, turns to the judge and says "judge, I want to live with the Miami Dolphins." The judge, white-faced asks, "why do you want to live with the Miami Dolphins?" Bobby stares back with the saddest puppy-eyes ever seen and sullenly answers, "your honor they can't beat anyone."

Stop saying that. Over the years, my Giants have proven that they can loose to anyone at any time.

 

[Wafflesomd]

The Playstation 3 is an affordable gaming console.

It's so easy to piss off everyone with a PS3.

 

[zumbo]

A man is going bear hunting, gets to the woods, and up pops a ten-foot bear. The man shoots, he misses. A few minutes later, the man gets a tap on the shoulder. It's the bear. The bear asked the man was he trying to shoot him. The man said he was. The bear told the man to drop his drawers, and turn around. The next day, the man goes back to the woods, determined to kill a bear. Sure enough, as soon as he gets positioned, a ten-foot bear stands-up. The man shoots, he misses. A few minutes later, the man gets a tap on the shoulder. Without asking, the man proceeds to drop his drawers. The next day, the man is in the hotel checking the sights on his gun. He gets them spot-on, and picks-up some new ammo on the way to the woods. As the man enters the woods, a ten-foot bear pops-up. The man shoots, he misses. A few minutes later, a tap on the shoulder, the bear replies, you aren't really hunting, are you?

 

[mike c]

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG'S LIST

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at

least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don't
think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead

gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story
there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front
about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster
with services or
other commercial interests

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~

PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I
see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a

cr@ppy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring

my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't
be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense

to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case
you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,

I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

 

[jliedeka]

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

 

[jliedeka]

Jesus last words:

Mom, can you bring me my flats, these spikes are killing me!

 

[Davemcc]

What is the difference between a Magician and a Chorus Line?







The magician has a cunning array of stunts.

 

[NYyankeeboi]

"In response to the fires out here in CA, FEMA had a phony press conference and they had FEMA members posing as reporters asking them easy questions. They had no reporters there, just FEMA members. As opposed to a disaster where it's all reporters and no FEMA members."

"Another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. This time it's a state representative from the state of Washington, a man named Richard Curtis. He admitted to dressing up in women's clothing, having sex with a guy twice in one night, but he says he's not gay. ... Fortunately, the other guy was. ... Anyway, Representative Curtis resigned from office yesterday. Out of force of habit, Larry Craig's wife is standing by him."

"Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush."

 

[Matt34]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peac0ck. I was just wondering if you were my son.

 

[mike c]

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!




Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,


Norman $oh




The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:









Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the Philippines may go into aNOther recession. After this, things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

 

[Geno]

Bad December 7th Joke

There's a half black/half Japanese musician named Lonzell Matsumoto. Every year on December 7th, he attacks Pearl Bailey...

 

[surveyor]

Headlines From The Year: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as
California . .White minorities still trying to have English
recognized as Mexifornia's third language.



Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.



Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.




Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.



Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.




France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .
No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!



Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.




George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.




Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.




85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.



Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive
year in Mexifornia and Florexico.




Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States .


Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for
4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and
Fridays.



Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.



Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.



Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.



New federal law requires that all nail clippers , screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 203 0
.



IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.



Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.


Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then,
guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely
nothing, except you might make someone smile

 

[avaserfi]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

First off, I don't think thats possible and secondly LOL.

(sure hope the girlfriend does see this post )

 

[stratman]

There's a half black/half Japanese musician named Lonzell Matsumoto. Every year on December 7th, he attacks Pearl Bailey...

MIGHT NOT BE PC, WHAT THE HELL, IT'S DAMN FUNNY!!!