Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Hide sidebar Show sidebar
H

herbu

Audioholic Samurai
One day, while an old engineer was cutting the branch off a tree high above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The engineer replied that his ax had fallen into water, and he needed the ax to supplement his meager pension. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The engineer replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your Ax?" the Lord asked.

Again, the engineer replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your Ax?" the Lord asked.

The engineer replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the engineer’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the engineer went home happy.

Sometime later the engineer was walking with his woman along the river bank, and his woman fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the engineer.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The engineer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Cameron Diaz. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is: Whenever an engineer lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only for the benefit of others!
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
Two hunters hired a plane and a pilot to fly them to the Canadian wilderness to hunt moose.

After a few days they had bagged sis moose and decided it was time to go home.

When the pilot saw the six moose, he said "I can't fly more than four moose that size in this plane. It won't take the weight".

One hunter said "We had seven moose last year and the pilot took them and he had the exact same plane. Are you sure?"

The pilot thought about it for a minute and said "Well, I guess it'll work. Let's do it!"

So, they load everything on the plane and they take off.

As they go to clear a mountain, the plane is struggling. The pilot gave it all he had but they still went down in the middle of nowhere.

As they are crawling from the wreckage, one hunter says to the other "Do you have any idea where we are?"

The second hunter says "Dunno. I think it might be around where we went down last year."
 
ecologydoc

ecologydoc

Junior Audioholic
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but underwear made out of Saran wrap.

What does the psychiatrist say?



















Well I can clearly see you're nuts!
 
Alex2507

Alex2507

Audioholic Slumlord
Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten off his fingers. He vent to da emergency room at da Clinic and vhen he got dere da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haf da fingers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers." "Vhat do you mean, you hafn't got da fingers?" the doctor cried. "Yumpin' yiminy! It's 2005! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off incredible techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you bring da fingers?" To vhich Ole replied... (Are you ready for dis???) "How da fock was I suppose to pick'em up?"
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
Whoever designed this sign should either get a big raise or be fired. Dunno which.

Mega Cutz.jpg
 
Ponzio

Ponzio

Audioholic Samurai
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3 : Dear God: I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.

LETTER 4: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5: I GOT YOUR MAMA.! IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
So, a priest and a nun set off on a two week journey across the desert on a camel.

Exactly one week into the journey, the camel up and dies leaving them stranded smack dab in the middle of nowhere.

After a day of bemoaning their impending doom, the father says to the nun "Sister, can I ask you a big favor?" The Nun replies "I don't see why not."

The priest says "Well, all my life I've been celibate and have always wondered what a woman's breasts look and felt like. Could I please see them, and perhaps feel them?"

The nun says "Well I can't see any harm in that." and she lifts her skirt to give him access.

Now, the nun says "Father, I too have been celibate all my life and have never seen a peter. Could I look at and feel yours?""

The father lifts his frock and she's handling it and the kraken awakens.

Now, the Father, getting a bright idea says "You know, sister, that thing inserted in the proper place can give life."

The nun says "REALLY??? Well, stick it in the beepin' camel and let's get the flock outta here!"
 
j_garcia

j_garcia

Audioholic Jedi
Friend said she saw a bumper sticker today (ironically)

"Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife for president"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

newsletter

  • RBHsound.com
  • BlueJeansCable.com
  • SVS Sound Subwoofers
  • Experience the Martin Logan Montis

Sitemap

Sitemap

Site Information

Site Information

HTML

audio forum
  • Facebook
  • Youtube
  • Twitter
  • instagram
  • rss
Top