Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[gholt]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting dwn and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "

 

[Ponzio]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to
take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

 

[haraldo]

 

[ImcLoud]

Teacher asks Johnny what he want to be when he grows up?

"I Wanna be a billionaire, go in to the most expensive club, take the best B!tch, take her in my Ferrari to my place in Paris, and bang the sh!t out of here 4 times a day for the rest of our lives...

The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:

"And you, Tanya?"

"Ma'am, I want to be Johnny's B!tch..."

 

[ImcLoud]

Heres an engineer joke, not many of these around, lol...

Four girls took lift in a car full of Engineers.
(Engr. Kyle, Dave. Kevin, Engr. Andy and

Engr. Jason)

Since no place available, they sat on each boys' lap...

After 5 minutes...

Girl1: Are you an Electronics and Communication Engineer?

Engr. Kyle: How do you know..?

Girl1: Your tower is communicating with my unreachable area.

Girl2: Are you an IT Engineer?

Engr. Kevin: How do you know?

Girl2: Your pendrive is trying to connect with my USB Drive.

Girl3: Are you a Mechanical Engineer?

Engr. Andy: How do you know..?

Girl3: Your piston is trying to move into my cylinder.

Girl4: Are you a Civil Engineer?

Engr. Jason: How do you know?

Girl4: Your dam has broken and flooded my village.

 

[Ponzio]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

 

[defmoot]

Happy Constitution Day! (September 17, 1787)


Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a commie light bulb?

.

.

.

A: None. It contains the seeds of its own revolution.

.

.

(rimshot!)

 

[Ponzio]

5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: If you can catch me, you can have me. Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: If you catch me you can have me. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. Now this girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and discovers that he has lost another 20 pounds as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone "This is our most rigorous program."
Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 foot black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine ...

 

[MidnightSensi2]

Sort of a joke - sort of useful!!!

 

[markw]

Blonde Plumber

So close, yet so far...

 

[mike c]

thinking of getting one

http://www.amazon.com/Chairborne-Ranger-Keyboard-Commando-PVC/dp/B00LLO8NN0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1411691829&sr=8-1&keywords=keyboard+commando

love the description on the amazon page as well

 

[markw]

And, in the beginning...

Somewhere near the end of the 6th day, it all went south.

 

[ImcLoud]

Somewhere near the end of the 6th day, it all went south.

that picture is so fake, "sheeps" c'mon

 

[markw]

Bunking with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob,because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Adam was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

 

[Ponzio]

The mailman's last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Ef' him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

[FourTwo]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

 

[Adam]

Welcome to the forum, FourTwo!

 

[macddmac]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Ef' him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

My my Dad told me that one a bunch (30 years ago ?) still a classic!
Cheers, Mac

 

[haraldo]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

hahahahaha .......

 

[markw]

So, what are you handing out for Halloween this year?

We gave up a few years ago after one pugnacious little plick got on my nerves.

I open the door and there was this cute little kid dressed like a pirate, right down to a fake parrot on his shoulder.

So, I say "Great costume. Where are your buccaneers"

The little putz glares at me and says "Under my buckin' hat, old man!"