Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[psbfan9]

A psychiatrist, Dr.Nancy, decides to have her group over for a Halloween party. She instructs them to dress as their favorite emotion.

Mary shows up dressed in red. Dr. Nancy says, "Oh my, what emotion are you Mary?" Mary replies, "I'm RED with anger!".
Bruce shows up dressed in green. Dr. Nancy says, "Oh my, what emotion are you Bruce?" Bruce replies, "I'm GREEEEN with envy!".

Johnny shows up completely naked, except for a pear on the end of his penis. Dr. Nancy says, "Oh, Um, what emotion are you Johnny?".

Johnny replies,




















"I'm f@#K!ng despair".

 

[markw]

In a nutshell.

Love is a lot like a fart. If it has to be forced, there's a good probability it's sh1t.

 

[Rickster71]

The emergency room doctor, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two guys were discussing popular trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?'

'Better get the two piece,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

 

[markw]

Guys, we gotta try to keep this thread on the first page.

 

[markw]

OK, one or two is cute but this is a little scary...

 

[Ponzio]

OK, one or two is cute but this is a little scary...

There's a Steven King novel there, somewhere.

 

[herbu]

OK, one or two is cute but this is a little scary...

Down here we would call that an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

 

[Ponzio]

Down here we would call that an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

Rabbits are good eating. Growing up on a farm, I can remember many a fine stew.

 

[Rickster71]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob.
I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi."

 

[markw]

A blonde goes into a pet store looking for an exotic pet.

She sees a sign that says "The Sex Frog - Comes with Instructions - Only $20"

She looks demurly around to make sure nobidy is looking and goes to the man behind the counter and says she'll take one ans pays him.

Dher goes home and reads the instructions. They are as follows:

1) Take a shower
2) Splash on your finest perfume
3) Put on your sexiest nightie
4) Crawl into bed and put the frog next to you.
5) Let the frog do what he was trained to do.

She quickly follows the instructins to a "T" ...nothing happens.

She re-reads the instructions and there, at the bottom of the page, it says "If you have any proble,s call the pet store.

She calls the pet store and explains the situation. The man says, in avery concerned fashion, "I'll be right over".

She hears a knock at the door and lets the man from the pet store in. He says "What's the problem?"

She says, "You can see I've done everythng the instructions said but the frog doesn't do anythng. It must be defective."

The man, looking exasperated, picks up the frog, looks it sterenly in the eyes, and says "Now look, I'll show how to do this just one more time"...

 

[Ponzio]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give ‘em a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes about ten seconds & costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

 

[markw]

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words...

 

[markw]

A computer programmers wife sends him to the store and says "Pick up a loaf of bread. If they have any eggs, get a dozen"

So, he comes back with 12 loaves of bread.

 

[markw]

What's Irish and plays music in your back yard?

Paddy O'Speakers

Happy St. Pats day!!!

 

[Rickster71]

He was in blissful ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment.
His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out..........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch.

Her heart was pounding...pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder.
Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.

Her whole body was taut and stretched, her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said




"OK!! OK!! So I CAN'T parallel park the #$%^&*% car!!"

 

[Tarub]

 

[Ponzio]

Overherad at the Doctor's office

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his male patients while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, huh?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you please write a note to my wife verifying that my head is not up
there."

 

[Adam]

A blast from the past, but I still love it. Brings me back to college (watching this, that is).

 

[Dan]

RIP John Pinette

John Pinette died this weekend. He may be best known as the mugging victim in the Seinfeld finale but did hysterical stand up. Here is one of my favorites (Disneyworld in August) although there are many:

John Pinette - Disneyworld in August - YouTube

 

[Swerd]

Real sorry to hear about his death.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/07/showbiz/john-pinette-dead/

There are many of his good stand up bits on you tube. I just spent the last hour watching him.

This really deserves a separate RIP thread.