Here are a few "fun" updates and a conclusion to this misadventure.
1. The missing checked-in luggage. TLDR it was delivered to us last Thursday, August 6th, only 15 days after we landed. All items were inside as expected.
Long story. As you might recollect, our original flight was with Alaska Airlines, and we checked our luggage with Alaska in Seattle, and this is where I went first to search for the luggage. Turns out it was for naught; apparently THEY INDEED passed our luggage to United, but somehow to the wrong flight. The first time I found out about it was exactly on Tuesday, July 28th, at 10 pm I didn't pick up my phone and instead got this lovely voice message:
"Hi. Good evening. This call is for [Redacted]. This is United baggage service here at Newark Airport. We have a bag that belongs to you here at the BSO office since July 24th. You have to pick it up by tomorrow, July 29th. If you do not claim your back well have to send it back for storage in Houston. IF you have any questions, call 8003352247. Thank you "
There are 3 important details here that you should know:
a) Here in NJ, on July 28, there is a strong thunderstorm and cats-and-dogs rain, especially late in the evening.
b) I landed on July 23rd, but somehow my bag landed a day later, on the 24th? And It was this whole time with United?? I had no idea until that point.
c) The VM specifically said to pick up the bag by tomorrow and gave me a date.
I asked my better half: should I go now (after 10 pm) for about 1h drive to Newark, or the next day? She reasonably advised me to wait for the next day, as I said the weather sucked.
So the next morning at 10:00 am I showed up in Newark at the United baggage office in Terminal C, only to find out that United had already shipped my bag to Houston for storage!!!! MOFOS!!!
Then another 2-3h calls trying to fight their outrageously terrible IVR system (press 1 if you speak Latin, etc) I finally put in a request to have my luggage delivered. Luckily, I caught a call from a Houston United luggage clerk to confirm my details on Saturday, August 1st at midday, and, as I said, it was delivered by FedEx on August 6th.
2. The Damaged Luggage - I might have mentioned (or not) that the checked luggage was damaged by Alaska during the first part of the trip - the flight from Newark to Spokane. I submitted the claim with the Alaska baggage agent in Spokane as soon as I got off the flight. Submitted one more pointless internet form and replied to an email with photos of the damaged luggage - the carrying handle was ripped off, and the casing around it was also ripped off. Luckily, my misery on this didn't extend too long. Alaska sent me a special link to essentially pick a new piece of luggage from a special store hosted by TravelersChoice, with my choices of about 10 different luggage series from them and in a few sizes each. Not too bad. 100% free, including shipping. About $200 value here. Not too bad. It should be delivered tomorrow,
3. Cost of transport, hotel, and food for the first two days, delayed by Alaska. Luckily, Redded came through here, and someone recommended a general feedback form to get reimbursed for such expenses. It did work, but Alaska refused to pay for tips and taxes, thus reducing my return; most of it was indeed returned. I wish it were a paper check, but instead they sent me a link to some shady payment processor with a lovely note that unless I claim the money in 7 days, I'd lose it.
So, all in all, I haven't lost that much money in this, and all issues eventually got addressed and resolved, but this experience I hope I never have to go through ever again. Nor could I ever get back COUNTLESS hours on the phone with barely speaking English agents.
