Dan said:
While I am not Mr. No mas's physician, I am an MD and I have encountered this disease many times before. He has ANN syndrome also known as audioholica nirvana nervosa. I am sorry to say that the only known cure was partially achieved by a Mr. V. Van Gogh but he neglected to perform the necessary proceedure on both ears.
Dr. Dan MD, DVM, DMV,
You, sir, are partially correct. Mr. Mas does suffer from a little know form of ANN know as MONSTER (Malens Occulte Nequam Saeta Tamisium Edo Rudo) which roughly translates as one that prefers or covets, in secret, worthless wires/connectors, of the thickness of a hair, that send a signal. This condition may be contracted from either contact with too many overpriced and underperforming “Hi-End” audio cables or too much time reading testimonials of the difference said cables make.
While ANN may be “cured” in the way you indicate (I like to refer to it as the GOP – the Gogh Ohr Procedure), sufferers of MONSTER don’t actually have to HEAR to exhibit symptoms.
Symptoms include:
1) Profuse sweating in the presence of “Hi-End” cables – Interestingly enough, the sweating is absent until the sufferer discovers the price of the cable, and then the sweating is proportional with the price.
2) Increased auditory ability – Sufferers are often able to hear things much beyond the range of normal humans, dog, bats, and especially testing equipment.
3) Increased agitation – Sufferers are often incapable of maintaining a rational discussion about their condition and auditory ability. They will go to great lengths to acquire data to disprove or discredit any opposing viewpoint. When data are not available, they will often resort to a haughty demeanor which will quickly resort to personal attacks and creation of forums that don’t allow you in them.
4) Disregard of history – Although the scientific method has been employed for centuries, apparently, it does not apply to Hi-End audio according to sufferers.
5) High propensity for litigation – For some reasons, sufferers will often sue, or threaten to sue, any person, institution, or object that has a name that at all resembles their own. This is one of the more known symptoms as its infamy is exacerbated by many urban legends.
Treatments are few. As discussed, the GOP method is ineffective as the sufferers perceived increased auditory ability allows them to hear even in the absence of auditory organs. Provided that you can convince a sufferer that their hearing is impaired (usually through wild hand gestures and a chalk board), they will simply purchase cables (usually with a battery in them) and shove them into the mangled orifice that was their ears. This, they claim, solves the problem (which it does, to an extent, as it is usually followed by death).
Other treatments:
1) Interventions – Employing a “deprogrammer” has seen some limited success but is usually followed by complete relapse if the sufferer is not kept away from a computer, big box stores, and, lately, radio shack.
2) Invasive procedures – A full frontal lobotomy is an effective method of treatment though most parents/loved ones do not opt for it.
3) Medication – Heavy doses of Thorazine does tend to make them calmer, but most of symptoms still manifest, just slower.
4) The DEM – The only method that has proven effective (without nasty side-effects) is the DEM. The Dubito (doubt) Exaudio (to hear plainly) Method or DEM is a simple one; It is initiated by distracting (perhaps by introducing them to your cousin of the same name, then, as they are on the phone with their lawyer) the sufferer and switching all their cables with identical looking cables of “lesser” quality (preferably dressed up lamp cord, no more than 10 cents a foot please). After a few days/weeks/months, the deception is revealed and the sufferer is forced to face the fact that “Low-End” cables have touched their equipment and they didn’t notice. A few things:
a) You absolutely must reveal the deception in the presence of as many people as possible, the more present, the harder it will be to discount. If they find the cables first, they will switch them out and never admit they were there.
b) You absolutely must get them to admit, in front of as many people as possible and as often as possible, the “positive effects” their cables have had on their mid-ranges, highs, lows, room acoustics, sexual prowess, and whatever else they attribute to them.
The DEM is not foolproof. Even perfectly executed, it will only lead to the desired results 50% of the time. Some things that increase the percentage chance of success.
1) The rest of the audio gear – The more the sufferer is satisfied with their gear, the less likely they will be to blame the gear. If they were thinking of upgrading anyways, you may have given them the motivation for that $10,000 monobloc they’ve been eyeballing.
2) Wire placement – You must know what you are doing when you hook up the cables, a wrong placement or crossed wire, and the jig is up.
3) Monetary solvency – The more strapped they are, the more likely they will be forced to believe what they are hearing.
4) Isolation – You must keep them away from computers for the first 48hrs after the procedure begins. Any online research or forum activity is likely to give them the ammunition they need to reinforce their condition and throw all your hard work into the trash.
Reactions will range from quiet acceptance (not likely) to the 7 stages of audio grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Listening Tests, Depression, Litigation, Acceptance – more likely) to throwing all their equipment in a pile, lighting it on fire, and starting over (better hope not).
Under no circumstances can you allow them to have their old cables back to “see the difference” as they surely will hear one. A relapse is all but inevitable at this point. If they beg you to allow them to test their old cables, suggest that you will switch the cables while they are out of the room. As they start to cringe, say, “You know, like a blind listening test!” which will surely send them over the edge. A sufferer of MONSTER would rather give up their cables then take part in a blind listening test. At this point, you’ve got them.
I hope others with loved ones that suffer from this condition can take some comfort in the knowledge that there are others in the same position, that treatments are available, and that research is being done to treat this terrible condition. I, myself, am working on a vaccine but so far have had limited success.
Best regards,
Dr. Poco
