Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[haraldo]

What do you call a bear with. no teeth?

A gummy bear
- David Beckham

 

[Verdinut]

A banker died. When he arrived at the junction between heaven and hell, God gave him a choice between the two. The banker decided to take a tour.
He toured heaven. It was calm, serene and comfortable. Then he toured hell. There were nightclubs, endless bars, girls all around and loud music. He obviously chose the hell.

When he entered hell, there were fireballs, demons spitting java and not a pickle to eat. He turned to God and asked ‘What happened! Where are the parties and the girls?’

God replied, ‘oh, that was just something that the boys from the marketing put together.’

 

[Bobby Bass]

My dream doormat

 

[mtrycrafts]

...

God replied, ‘oh, that was just something that the boys from the marketing put together.’

So, he is sexist?

 

[Verdinut]

So, he is sexist?

And that joke reminds me of Mark Twains' joke when he said that he wasn't sure whether he should go to heaven or hell when he died, as he had friends in both places.

 

[Bobby Bass]

Cables! Do you still have your Mom’s jewelry?

 

[Verdinut]

Me and my wife were arrived at a popular restaurant
It was quite crowded, so my wife went up to the hostess and asked "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring her, kept writing in her book. My wife again asked, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up, "About 10 minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."

 

[haraldo]

Harrison Ford Tells The GREATEST Joke of All Time! BROCCOLI?

Harrison Ford tells the Broccoli Joke on David Letterman! Is this the GREATEST joke of all time? Tell me what you think in the comments below! Join the Commu...

youtube.com

 

[Verdinut]

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, his d*^k wouldn't grow.

The woman then stands up and slaps the man as hard as she can.

- What was that for? - he asks, confused.

- FOR NOT EATING YOUR BROCCOLI WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

 

[Verdinut]

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

 

[Verdinut]

"My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."

 

[Verdinut]

Honest...

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."

She leaned forward.

"Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."