Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Verdinut]

 

[Mr._Clark]

This was in the NYT today:

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives, God says, “Welcome. You can ask me one question. Anything you want.” The man says, “I need to know: Who really shot J.F.K.?” God says, “Lee Harvey Oswald shot him, and he acted alone.”

The man pauses and then says, “Wow. This goes even higher than I thought.”

 

[Verdinut]

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought.”

 

[Bobby Bass]

you can get 2 for only 2800 so you get the stereo effect. I bought a Himalayan salt lamp for 5 That does the same and lights up on a dimmer switch To boot. Cool. Experts say you should spend 10% of your budget on cables and 10% on crystals. If you’re on a salt restricted diet skip the salt Lamp.

 

[Verdinut]

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.
He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2021 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this f*ckin phone belongs to?"