Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Verdinut]

• I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
  I sat down and had a cold beer.
  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
  My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
  and I said, "Nothing."
  The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
  At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
  Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
  Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
  But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
  I rest my case.
  Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

 

[Steve81]

 

[Verdinut]

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

 

[Alex2507]

 

[Steve81]

 

[William Lemmerhirt]

View attachment 73100

Haha. That’s a good one.
I always say Tony Stark when they ask for my name. They always seem to get a kick out of it.

 

[Steve81]

 

[haraldo]

Just saw the movie today about Neil ..... "First Man", Highly recommended

 

[haraldo]

Ronald Reagan might have been the 2nd funniest President we've ever had

President Ronald Reagan was always well loved for his unique sense of humor. That sense of humor was on full display during this speech as he tells a hilario...

www.youtube.com

 

[Verdinut]

A department store where women can choose husbands.

In the entrance hangs an instruction that explains the rules how you can shop here: "The specialist shop may only be visited once. There are six floors with men whose characteristics are improving floor by floor. You can either choose a man from the floor you are on, or you can go one floor higher and look around. But you can’t go back to a lower floor that you’ve already left!”

Now a woman comes to this store to find a man.

On the first floor there is a sign: “These men have work!” She goes further.

On the second floor there is a sign: “These men have work and like children!” She’s curious, but she goes on.

On the third floor there is a sign: “These men have work, like children and look very good!”

“Wow,” the woman thinks, but feels forced to go on.

She goes to the fourth floor and reads: “These men have work, like children, look very good and help in the household!”

“Oh God, I can hardly resist,” she thinks to herself, but goes on anyway.

On the fifth floor she reads: “These men have work, like children, look very good, help in the household and are very romantic!”

The woman is close to staying, but then goes to the sixth floor and reads this sign: "You are visitor number 31,456,012. There are no men here. This floor exists only to show that it is impossible to satisfy a woman. Thank you for your visit to the husbands’ specialist shop. Goodbye!”

A specialist shop offering women has opened opposite. It also has six floors. On the first floor there are women who love sex. On the second floor women who love sex and have money.

The third to sixth floor has never been visited by a man.

 

[Steve81]

 

[Steve81]

 

[Alex2507]

 

[haraldo]

Harrison Ford Tells The 2nd GREATEST Joke of All Time!

Harrison Ford tells the Ice joke on Jimmy Fallon! Is this the 2nd GREATEST joke of all time? (of course behind the broccoli one...)Tell me what you think in ...

www.youtube.com

 

[Verdinut]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."