Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Verdinut]

• A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse:
  'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
  The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
  "Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
  "Yes!" The Labrador replies.
  After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
  The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda.
  "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
  The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog.
  "Ten quid", the owner says.
  “A tenner!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
  "Because he's a lying fook. He's never been out of the garden."

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

 

[Alex2507]

 

[Verdinut]

View attachment 70125

That shows the driver knew he had the three spaces anyway!

 

[Verdinut]

Business was terrible and not picking up, I had to lay one person off, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Veronica or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided that I would fire the first one who used the water-cooler the next morning.

When Veronica came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night, she went directly to the cooler to take an aspirin. I approached her and said, “Veronica, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you jack-off for now?” she replied. “I feel like poop. If you can wait, I’ll do you at lunchtime.”

I had to let Jack go.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

This is my wife's original and probably accidental Joke and may not exactly hit, but here it goes:
Other Mom: I want my son (9yo) to be an obstetrician, but he prefers to become a cat cafe owner.
my wife: Is there any difference?

 

[Trell]

This is my wife's original and probably accidental Joke and may not exactly hit, but here it goes:
Other Mom: I want my son (9yo) to be an obstetrician, but he prefers to become a cat cafe owner.
my wife: Is there any difference?

So what was the other mom's reaction?

 

[Verdinut]

The difference between *Oo* and *oO*
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.
"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?
""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this: *O o*.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: *o O*.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your as*hole before prison.................."

 

[Verdinut]

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

A young and well-off business man proposes to a beautiful young woman. She accepts to spend the night for $1000. When he was ready to leave on next morning, he informed the young woman that he didn’t have the cash with him for paying her but he would arrange with his secretary for sending her a cheque with the memo “Rental of Lodging”.

On the way to his office, he decides that the thing wasn’t worth the agreed amount. So he asked his secretary to forward a cheque in the amount of $500 with the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed herewith is a cheque for the sum of $500 for rental of lodging. I am not including a payment for the agreed amount, as when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) It was new
2) It was well heated
3) It was small

Last night, I realized that it had been occupied, there was no heat and it was too large.
Sincerely yours,

Upon reading the note, the young woman decides to return the cheque with the following comments:

Dear Sir,

I am returning to you the cheque in the amount of $500. I cannot really understand how you could have thought that a so pretty lodging could be left unoccupied. With regard to the heat, there is an ample supply as long as you can control it. Concerning the size, I am sorry to inform you that it’s not my fault if you were unable to suitably furnish it.

Yours truly,

 

[Trebdp83]

 

[Verdinut]

 

[haraldo]

A man calls his wife from the office on a Friday and says, “Honey, I have a great opportunity to go on a fishing trip with the guys. The fish are supposed to really be biting. Can you do me a favor, gather my fishing gear and some clothing, along with my tackle box. Oh, could you include some extra clothing?

The husband comes home, gathers his gear and tackle box, quickly dresses in his fishing get-up, then kisses his wife goodbye.

Sunday night, the husband comes home and his wife asks him how the fishing trip went.

“Oh, it was terrible. False alarm didn’t get one bite.” He pauses. “By the way, I told you to put some extra clothing with my gear. I didn’t see it. Did you forget?”

“Oh I included it.”

“Ok, so where was it?”

She answers, firmly, “In your tackle box.”

 

[Verdinut]

I went to the gas station to get a bottle of water and as I walked up, I noticed these 2 deputies watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas.

I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the deputies standing RIGHT there.. Anyway, I minded my own business and went in for the water.... As I was paying I heard someone screaming!! Man, I’m talking violent death screams!! I looked up and saw the woman's arm was on fire!!

She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!!

When I got my drink and walked out the door the deputies had the woman on the ground putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car.

I was thinking, arrested?? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a police car??

Being the nosey person I am, I asked the deputies what they were arresting her for.

The guy looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE-ARM IN PUBLIC!"