Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic Ninja
A little Christmas joke
How much does Santa have to pay for parking?
Nothing it's on the house. :) :) :)
 
M

Mr._Clark

Audioholic Field Marshall
If you love someone, set them free.

If he comes back, kick him out again. No one else wants him either!

(told from a woman's perspective because that's how I heard it)
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Attorney: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
Witness: “By death.”
Attorney: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
Witness: “Guess.”
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife.
She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.”

Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said: “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.”

Santa thought about it and said, “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.

On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.

Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while, his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”

Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”
 

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