What went wrong? :(

[jeffsg4mac]

What went wrong?

Well guys I have some disappointing news. This will be a real disappointment to Matt and others that served too. First a little history about my wife and I. When I met my wife she was a single mother with two boys age 1 and 6. The looser that she was with ran out and left her with the kids. We dated for about 4 years then married. (Now I am not trying to pat myself on the back but rather just give some history) This looser skipped out and never paid a dime from day one.

I raised both boys as my own kids and I never once thought of them any different. The oldest is now 19 and the youngest 14. As some you may remember the oldest joined the Marines last year about this time. Well about 3 weeks ago my wife got a call from his Sgt. that he had gone missing, AWOL. This boy has made the wrong choices all his life. Well suffice to say we both felt a myriad of emotions about this. Shame, sadness, and some sort of guilt for doing something wrong probably most of all.

Both boys were raised in a loving home without being spoiled nor ever treated unfair. Both boys are the complete opposite of each other too. My wife and I just do not know what went wrong with the older boy. He chooses the worst friends and makes the poorest choices in life. We are both sad and ashamed for him and of him. He has disgraced himself, his family and his country. My wife and I are sad, and angry at the same time.


I just received a call from my sister who just found out were he was. She called the Sgt and turned him in. She was torn to pieces doing this, but her being former Army and Navy she had no choice.

What went wrong with this kid?

 

[CraigV]

It’s not likely you’ll never know exactly why he did what he did, nor why he is the way he is (maybe some biological connection with his biological father?)

The best you can do now is swallow down you admonition you feel for him and try to understand where he’s coming from, and offer support to him. He may end up incarcerated via the military, but at least let him know you’re thinking of him & want to help in any way you can.

It’s a tough spot to be in for certain – hang tough for his sake, your wife’s & your own.

 

[mperfct]

I feel for ya man. I've heard (and I'm sure you have too) of other siblings that come out this way. You could potentially chalk it up to nature vs. nuture, and this time nature had a bit more play in it. You did everything you knew was right, just like most everyone else does. All of us parents put our heart and souls and then some into raising kids. The US of A isn't the easiest place to raise children, given the myriad of social influences (good and bad) and the great range of freedom that individuals can take advantage of. Bottom line, sometimes everything you have just isn't enough.

I would hope that the Marines would be able to instill a sense of purpose and drive into an individual, especially one who was had a rough go of it. I really hope that your oldest can find that "purpose" and work towards it. Maybe some good will come of this yet. 19 years old is still young in the grand scheme of things. How many of us in our 20's with college degrees even know what we are doing?

I hope that you and your wife and your youngest can find something positive in all of this, I can't really imagine how tough it would be (my boys are only 4 and 1). Hang in there, and we're glad you could share with us.

Warmest regards,

Chris

 

[ivseenbetter]

Like it was stated before, it is important to hand in there with him. This is a tough situation and it will only be worse if you turn your back on him. Don't coddle him...he will have to own up to this...but support him through this.

There is nothing that you did that made this happen. This is just the way life works out. I have a grandparent that had 5 kids. All raised in the same house and each one of them is a different person. One even had to go to jail a few times on drug related charges. They were all raised the same way and yet one still ended up being a bad apple. Similar story with an Aunt of mine. She has two daughters and one is a perfect goody two shoes and the other is in prison as I type this. Can't figure out how they can come from the same house and end up so different.

Ultimately, these kids are just people...and people have free will that enable them to do "anything" despite nature vs nurture. I'm willing to bet this had nothing to do with you.

 

[jeffsg4mac]

I'm willing to bet this had nothing to do with you.

We both know this but there is still that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that you did something wrong. I guess that's normal for a parent.

 

[majorloser]

I hate to say this, but sometimes it's the opposite sex that can make somebody make those kinds of choices in life.

I know he made a serious error in judgement leaving the Marines. One he's likely to pay for dearly the rest of his life. But reality is not everybody is cut out for the military.

It's not your fault, Jeff. He's an adult and made his own life. Now he has a difficult lesson to learn all by himself.

 

[jeffsg4mac]

I hate to say this, but sometimes it's the opposite sex that can make somebody make those kinds of choices in life.

I know he made a serious error in judgement leaving the Marines. One he's likely to pay for dearly the rest of his life. But reality is not everybody is cut out for the military.

It's not your fault, Jeff. He's an adult and made his own life. Now he has a difficult lesson to learn all by himself.

Thanks, and yes we thought of that too. He is very weak emotionally, and we were hoping the Marines would help with that, but it looks like no.

 

[markw]

This is so true.

We both know this but there is still that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that you did something wrong. I guess that's normal for a parent.

You can do everything right, by the book, following what "the masters" say, and being there for then every minute of the day.

But, being humans both blessed and cursed with free will, sometimes they will go off in their own directions for reasons we'll never know. sometimes there are no reasons. It may just be impulse.

About the only thing you can do is be there for him and know that you both did the best any humans could do. ...and continue to do your best with his younger brother.

You're in our prayers.

 

[GO-NAD!]

Thanks, and yes we thought of that too. He is very weak emotionally, and we were hoping the Marines would help with that, but it looks like no.

You certainly have my sympathy and you shouldn't blame yourself. You can only show them the way. The path they take is completely up to them. As for being emotionally weak, I think joining the military services could make that go either way. It'll either "make" him, or "break" him. I've seen it happen.

Don't kick yourself.

 

[JerryLove]

What went wrong with this kid?

It would be impossible to say from the information at hand, nor would I pretend to have the knowledge to diagnose an issue, nor would most anyone who does have that skill do so without actually interviewing the person involved.

And yes, I realize that the question was likely rhetorical as you are venting. I am in no way attempting to comment negatively on your decision to vent (this is the steam vent after all).

The reason I *am* responding is to point out that there might be an actual cause. The information is so vague that there are hundreds of possibilities, but to raise one at random consistent with what you've told me, he could be bi-polar.

In short, the issue is cognitive, physical, or both (people who have untreated bi-polar end up with cognitive problems related to their experiences). In either case, there may be things that can be done. I don't know what the Marines will do with him at this point, but I would try to get him in front of a qualified psychiatrist: one that takes the time to listen to the history as told by both him and by his family. They, at least, should be able to tell you if there is something that can be done.

 

[Matt34]

The military is a unique animal in that "kids" are asked to be professionals overnight in an environment like no other. You compound that with personalities from all walks of life and the expectations that come from wearing the uniform and some just can't adapt. Most of the time it's after graduating basic training, adjusting to the "real" military way of life can be an awkward and difficult process. That is where leaders and their seasoned peers need to identify these individuals and mentor and guide them.

One of my battle buddies from basic that I got stationed with at Ft. Polk went AWOL after we had been there only a few months. No real reason except he missed home (I believe he was 19-20 at the time as well), just packed up and left. He turned himself in a few days later and was given non-judicial punishment and ended up completing his five year contract without incident. For as strict as the military is perceived, I think we do a good job at working through problems with young Soldiers, Marines, Airmen and giving them a second chance as most of us older guys have been in similar situations at that age as well.

 

[majorloser]

He'll pay for this mistake and he'll hopefully learn something.
As long as he's not been UA over 30 days it shouldn't be that bad.

 

[darien87]

Whew.

From the title and the way that your thread started, I thought you were going to say that you found out your wife was cheating on you while you were on deployment.

Hopefully things get sorted out with your son.

 

[j_garcia]

I know exactly how you feel. I hate to feel that my son is not a point of pride but rather one of embarrassment. We have given him the opportunity to do the right thing, given him a proper home and tried to instill a good attitude and self reliance in him and he still insists on doing whatever comes to his mind without regard for anyone else. He doesn't take anyone's advice, and has been a significant financial drain and source of stress on me over the last 2 years. I love him to death, but he just doesn't "get it" no matter what I do or tell him.

 

[lsiberian]

He's still young. It takes time to learn the hard things and sadly you have to let your kid fail for him to learn them. The best thing you can do is let him man himself up. He'll probably turn out fine. He's got his whole life ahead of him. Just remind him that you will love him no matter what and you are in his corner. Beyond that let him find himself through this mess. For some of us we have to really screw things up before we get a grip. I know I did. When he does get a grip make sure to encourage him along.

Patience is the first quality of Love.

 

[j_garcia]

We all have those times when we just have to do it the hard way, but when you are on the other side watching it, it is different. It is a LOT harder to watch someone you love make bad decisions and learn tough lessons than it is to be the one making them.

 

[jeffsg4mac]

Thanks all, I will let you know what happens as we find out more.

 

[jinjuku]

Well guys I have some disappointing news. This will be a real disappointment to Matt and others that served too. First a little history about my wife and I. When I met my wife she was a single mother with two boys age 1 and 6. The looser that she was with ran out and left her with the kids. We dated for about 4 years then married. (Now I am not trying to pat myself on the back but rather just give some history) This looser skipped out and never paid a dime from day one.

I raised both boys as my own kids and I never once thought of them any different. The oldest is now 19 and the youngest 14. As some you may remember the oldest joined the Marines last year about this time. Well about 3 weeks ago my wife got a call from his Sgt. that he had gone missing, AWOL. This boy has made the wrong choices all his life. Well suffice to say we both felt a myriad of emotions about this. Shame, sadness, and some sort of guilt for doing something wrong probably most of all.

Both boys were raised in a loving home without being spoiled nor ever treated unfair. Both boys are the complete opposite of each other too. My wife and I just do not know what went wrong with the older boy. He chooses the worst friends and makes the poorest choices in life. We are both sad and ashamed for him and of him. He has disgraced himself, his family and his country. My wife and I are sad, and angry at the same time.


I just received a call from my sister who just found out were he was. She called the Sgt and turned him in. She was torn to pieces doing this, but her being former Army and Navy she had no choice.

What went wrong with this kid?

Both my brothers would not be considered a success in life. I turned out totally different from the other two. Same parenting, same chances etc...

At some point your children regardless of what you do will become the person that they are and do the things they do.

 

[mperfct]

Why does it always seem to be that the brothers turn out so much different. Now I'm wondering what my two boys will be like.

 

[CraigV]

Why does it always seem to be that the brothers turn out so much different. Now I'm wondering what my two boys will be like.

My two daughters age 13 & 10 are very different. I’m one of 3 (2 older sisters) and each of us is very different from the other.