$600 Thank You note

[Buckeyefan 1]

Am I out of my mind?

I get a letter today from my son's daycare center thanking me for a $600 contribution I recently made for some type of fund raising event. It has both my wifes and my name on it.

My son attends this pre school three days a week. He recently turned 4. My older daughter attended this school for pre k as well. I like the school, but not that much.

So I ask my wife about it, and she says "oh yeah, some guy I knew came in our house asking for a donation, so I gave him $600 figuring our 3rd child will also attent." I'm like, WTF? How nice of you to tell me through this thank you letter. And yes, she handles the finances (not for long). She said, I know this guy, his kid goes there also. That's even more reassuring.

So now what? Separate checking accounts? I've already written a letter to the director of the school telling him I don't appreciate sending guys into homes asking for money, and especially that type of money without both parties consent. I requested this donation back, telling them we'll decide how much to contribute - if anything at all now. And I'll be carefully weighing my options as where to send my third child.

What do you think?

 

[racquetman]

I'd divorce your wife, burn down the daycare center, and go on a 3 state killing spree, but that's just me.

 

[mikeyj92]

Everybody's money situation and view on $600 is different. That'd be a alot of money for me to fork over as a donation...but that is just me. My wife would NEVER do this without discussing it with me first. I don't even think she'd THINK about doing it without asking me.

You know your personal finances better than anyone here, but this does seem to have smacked you upside the head a little bit. You have every right to be upset, but take a breath and discuss this further with the wife.

Is this completely out of character for her to do this? Is this "donation" some kind of blackmail on the schools part to ensure a spot at this school in the future?

A guy making a house call asking for donations is a little forward, to say the least. A letter asking for donations or a fund raiser seem more on par with usual school practices. Not house visits.

Seems a tad strange.

 

[mikeyj92]

So now what? Separate checking accounts?

I have my own checking account. Helps me to see every dollar that moves in and out of it. The joint had to be shut down when the wife just became irresponsible with it.

Alot of my friends have had to do the same thing. What is it with females and checking accounts?

 

[majorloser]

What is it with females and checking accounts?

Not the case for my wife. She is an accountant, knows where EVERY penny is spent (usually by me ), doesn't like to waste money, doesn't like to spend money on herself and controls the banking. And she's DAMNED good at it

BF1- I'm sure your wife meant no fowl in her actions. I'm sure in her eyes she was making an investment in the MOST important thing in her life, her children and her family.

 

[bmac]

My account use to be a joint one, I almost killed her. I later started my own account, now she's the only one stressing about money. I have complete control of what I spend, and she's ok with that.

 

[Buckeyefan 1]

We'll, we had a talk, and I set some rules. After 15 years of knowing each other and 12 years of marriage, I didn't think it would come to this.

She is not permitted to write checks for anything but immediate bills, for clothing or groceries. I will be getting a separate checking account for my income. If she needs money for anything that she can't cover (she works 3 days a week as a PT), she'll need to come to me first. She is in no way permitted to give to charaties or to invite men in the house to discuss fund raising (man, that rubs me wrong).

$600 to me is a lot of money, no matter what ones income is. My Denon 3805 blew up in November, so I shipped it to get fixed in Indiana. The repair took 2 months and $130. When shipping it back, UPS dropped it and sent me an insurance check for $785 (very lucky to have it insured). To date, I still have not purchased an AVR as these purchases take some time (not to mention I'm waiting for HDMI 1.3). For me to OK a $600 fund raising check to my kids day care school would have been an immediate "no."

I may have considered $50, but would have liked to know about it first.

 

[mtrycrafts]

She is an accountant, knows where EVERY penny is spent (usually by me ), doesn't like to waste money, doesn't like to spend money on herself and controls the banking. And she's DAMNED good at it
.

You are one lucky person, really.

And, she likes to post here, from time to time.

 

[mtrycrafts]

One very sensitive issue, indeed. Money is probably THE issue in marriage that causes most of the headaches, divorces, etc.

That size of a contribution should have been discusses, yes, as it was not a must do bill. Even then, an out of the ordinary bill should be mentioned.
Hope you don't get cut off for long
Have a friend where the husband trashed an IRS notice something about the wife's income or something. Sure enough the IRS contacted her about the issue and almost divorced him.
Some think that his money is theirs and hers is hers. Or, other combo.
So, money is the cause of much of the evil in the world and bad vibes between couples.

 

[mike c]

this guys kid goes to the same daycare ... what's he doing collecting for the daycare? is it even for the daycare?

I prefer to see my donations at work ... I don't like handing it to middlemen. (who knows, they might like audio stuff too )

I don't think a separate account is necessary yet. since you talked it over, I guess she won't do it again.



women and money are most easily parted I tell you!
if I were to go in business, my primary clientele would be women.
my wife would be the exception though ... she doesn't buy anything NOT necessary which makes my audio purchases un-justifiable.

 

[davo]

... After 15 years of knowing each other and 12 years of marriage,

First of, congrats on making it work for 12 years. Second, why the hell are they asking for donations? They make plenty of money just doing what they do.
Obviously your taking steps to minimise this happening in the future, but it's pretty low them sending reps around to tug on heart strings to pull in more money.
Lucky for me my wife is really sharp with finances, what with her managing an IT company and all (read : ME!) and I have a reasonable WAF (about 40/100), so I can make A/V purchases as long as I can convince her it is good quality and value for money. Might sound like I'm whipped a bit but if I had my way I would live next to a stack of NAD M25's under a piece of tin!!
Anyway, I digress... leave a few empty shot gun shells kicking around the front door, it might disuade potential money rakers!

 

[majorloser]

I digress... leave a few empty shot gun shells kicking around the front door, it might disuade potential money rakers!

Oh, I so like this idea!

 

[Buckeyefan 1]

I think I just need an "absolutely no soliciting" sign on my front door. My wife will buy 3 boxes of girlscout cookies from 6 different girls in the neighborhood. We have cookies on top of cookies in our pantry that no one eats. This year, a few of the girls moms came to our house by themselves selling the cookies. Can you imagine? A few days ago, a highschool kid comes to my door asking me if I've ever been to England. I tell him to get the hell off the porch before I come out and throw him off. (magazine sales - yeah, I'm going to send this jagass to England). My wife would have said "yes" and told him all about her experiences.

 

[mikeyj92]

You wife sounds kind and thoughtful, just she is one of those people who are unable to say "no".

Except to you...

 

[Audioholics]

Couple random thoughts that are solely my opinion:

• Shared bank accounts as a solution simply mask the true issue which is communication - fix the lines of communication and not only will the separate bank account be unnecessary - likely other areas of the marriage will get better as well (communication is 85% of a good marriage in my opinion)<br />
  
• I tend to hold my money in an "open" hand - its not mine to begin with and I don't particularly deserve what I have more than anyone else - as a result I try to be generous... With that said I believe in evaluating charities to ensure they are responsible<br />
  
• I wish everyone the best possible marriage and can't stress enough that good communication and good fiscal management (often inter-related) are a huge key - all of this in our case is brought together by our shared faith which dictates our actions

I hope this doesn't come across judgmental to anyone - that's not my intention. Just wanted to share my insights into a 10-year successful marriage so far...

PS. Send me some of those cookies!

 

[stratman]

Couple random thoughts that are solely my opinion:

• Shared bank accounts as a solution simply mask the true issue which is communication - fix the lines of communication and not only will the separate bank account be unnecessary - likely other areas of the marriage will get better as well (communication is 85% of a good marriage in my opinion)<br />
  
• I tend to hold my money in an "open" hand - its not mine to begin with and I don't particularly deserve what I have more than anyone else - as a result I try to be generous... With that said I believe in evaluating charities to ensure they are responsible<br />
  
• I wish everyone the best possible marriage and can't stress enough that good communication and good fiscal management (often inter-related) are a huge key - all of this in our case is brought together by our shared faith which dictates our actions

I hope this doesn't come across judgmental to anyone - that's not my intention. Just wanted to share my insights into a 10-year successful marriage so far...

PS. Send me some of those cookies!

No, not judgmental, but true and if more couples would adhere to these principles (my wife and I do, we've also been married ten years ) I truly believe there would be less divorces. Buck, your wife sounds like a good soul, they're hard to come by these days, just tell her next time to consult with you on such investments. Worse thing a person can do is blow a gasket with this type of stituation, carefull communication is the only way to go.

 

[MDS]

A few days ago, a highschool kid comes to my door asking me if I've ever been to England. I tell him to get the hell off the porch before I come out and throw him off. (magazine sales - yeah, I'm going to send this jagass to England). My wife would have said "yes" and told him all about her experiences.

I can do the magazine sales one better. A young guy, very personable, came to my door and starts talking about how he used to live in Chicago and was involved in gangs and how he is now improving his life.

I see the binder in his hand and I *know* it's magazine sales because I have seen it many times before. When he gets around to making his pitch I politely cut him off and say I get a few magazines already and don't want to get any more as I often don't read the ones I do get.

As any good salesman he starts to emphasize the notion that I am 'investing in him'. [Really? Just how am I going to monitor my investment and exactly what kind of return will be I earning? ]

He essentially wants me to 'invest' $1,000 in helping him to improve his life. He finally just says 'Mr. Sterling' do you want to invest in me or not?' I again politely decline and he takes off in a huff.

The little girls in the neighborhood do come to sell Girl Scout cookies and other things and I buy one or two just to see the smile on their face but I'm not about to 'donate' $1K to a stranger with a typical swindler type pitch.

 

[Buckeyefan 1]

I'm going to keep the checking account joint. I went through the check book and didn't see anything out of the ordinary for the last 5 months. I think she realizes the mistake she made, and apologized. We'll take it a step at a time. We come from different backgrounds where her folks gave her a credit card in college to spend as she pleased. I had a job high school and paid for any discressionary things I wanted, as well as 66% of college. Her father bought her a camaro and had T tops installed for her in high school. I drove a Chevy Vega, then a Chevy Monza. If a clutch went out, I fixed it myself. Brakes - same thing.

I appreciate all the advice. Money is an easy topic to fly off the handle with. I work hard for my money, and save quite a bit of it. $600 is $600, and should have been discussed. It won't happen again.

 

[mikeyj92]

$600 is $600, and should have been discussed. It won't happen again.

It may. Be prepared for it. My wife knows whats she's done, sometimes she just doesn't think until after she acts...and then she panics and tries to fix it but then only creates more issues and then she just covers it up until I eventually find out. This hasn't happened since I've claimed the finances and she doesn't mind it. She is open with the fact she is impulsive to the point of being mildly detrimental to our financial health, the issue is my loud anger and I've realized that my rediculous noisiness when I get mad serves no purpose and I've worked on it.

Things are much better now (having our 5-year anniv in a few weeks), though we still find ourselves slim monetarily from time to time, but hey, that's life for some people...me particularly, but I'm used to it.

Never again will I have two car loans at the same time (on top of 2 student loan payments...).

 

[mtrycrafts]

Never again will I have two car loans at the same time (on top of 2 student loan payments...).

Tought lesson to learn.