Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Ponzio]

A Henny Youngman Special

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

[Swerd]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh!t? And then she went back to reading her book

 

[Ponzio]

Thats one tough little girl.

 

[Rickster71]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

It refers to a Seinfeld episode in which they said "nttawwt" after every single reference to homosexuality in a humorous declaration of not being prejudiced. There, I just saved you 30 minutes of your life ... enjoy.

And I will take 3 minutes back It's worth it

 

[Ponzio]

Spouses and golf

Bill was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing he suddenly
realized that his wife, Laurie was about to tee off from the red tees
directly in his path. Unable to stop his downswing he nailed the
ball, hit Laurie directly in the right temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later Bill received a call from the coroner concerning her
autopsy. "Bill , your wife seems to have died from blunt force Trauma
to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the
temple. Is that correct?"

"Yes sir," Bill replied, "that's correct."

"Well, Bill, I also found a large bruise on Laurie's right hip. Do
You know anything about that?"

"Yes sir," Bill said, "That would have been my mulligan."

 

[Alex2507]

I want to open up a place called Resolutions.
For the first 3 days of January it will be a gym.
The rest of the year it will be a bar.

 

[Ponzio]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with your sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. On all your check stubs, write "For Marijuana"

3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing along at the opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!"

7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to let one of you go".

and the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

 

[Rickster71]

My wife has been missing for a week now.

The police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

 

[majorloser]

My wife has been missing for a week now.

The police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I thought you'd be wearing her clothes now.

 

[Alex2507]

I thought you'd be wearing her clothes now.

That's really insensitive.
You know Rick has put on a few pounds and can no longer fit into Marie's gowns.

 

[haraldo]

That's really insensitive.
You know Rick has put on a few pounds and can no longer fit into Marie's gowns.

Well, Rick's jokes are at the same high level
He's the Yoda of jokes

 

[Adam]

He's the Yoda of jokes

Rely on humor to penetrate the dark side, he does. Not always the proper thing, force is.



Well, unless it's Twister. We all know what we signed up for.

 

[Ponzio]

For the dog & beer set.

 

[psbfan9]

Language may be offensive to some. To me, it's hilarious.

 

[haraldo]

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with your sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

This is wah

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

First WTC Disaster Divorce
The first divorce directly related to the September 11 terrorist attacks has been filed in New York. It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of he World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment with his phone turned off. He wasn't watching TV either.
When he turned his phone back on at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife. "Are you OK? Where are you?"
He said, "What do you mean? I'm in my office of course!"

 

[psbfan9]

Johnny goes in to the drug store to buy condoms. He has exactly $3.50. He grabs the cheapest condoms he can find. He takes them up to the druggist, and the druggist says, "Ok son, that will be $3.75". Johnny says, "$3.75?! What's the 25 cents for?!" The druggist replies, "The 25 cents is for the tax".

Johnny says, "TACKS?! I thought they rolled on!".

 

[Rickster71]

Can a woman make you a millionaire?

Yes!

If you're already a billionaire.

 

[Ponzio]

Rules to Live By

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their
shoes

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry,
and get slapped on the a$$. Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday ...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

31. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been
in bed with a mosquito.