Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Shock]

Reading this thread is the best freaking part of my day.

Tears are constantly streaming down my face. That freaking bear sign......oh my......

 

[Alex2507]

Reading this thread is the best freaking part of my day.

Tears are constantly streaming down my face. That freaking bear sign......oh my......

I thought enough of the bear sign to steal it long ago and have recently posted it in the funny pic thread. I'm pretty sure that some of my jokes have been deleted but that was probably for the best.

 

[Shock]

I thought enough of the bear sign to steal it long ago and have recently posted it in the funny pic thread. I'm pretty sure that some of my jokes have been deleted but that was probably for the best.

Oh yeah I stole that bear sign.

 

[mulester7]

A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a much cheaper one -- a Chinese man named Chen Lee.

The following day he received following report:


Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall from tree. I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

 

[mulester7]

.....I used to be a Lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.....

 

[sparky77]

In Honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins
Ice Cream has issued a new flavor " Barocky Road ."

Barocky Road is a blend of half Vanilla, half Chocolate, and
surrounded by Nuts and Flakes.



The Vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually
denied as an ingredient.

The Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The Cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful
cone, but then the Ice Cream is taken away and given to the person in line
behind you.

Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty
cone, with no hope of getting any Ice Cream.

Now aren't you feeling stimulated?

 

[Adam]

In Honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins...

Popular joke these days.

 

[mulester7]

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet.

His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up.

The Little Boy Is Gripping On To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hitting Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.

His Mother Says: "Billy, Are You Alright? You've Been In Here For Awhile."

Billy Says: "I'm Fine, Mommy. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."

Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes. But, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"

Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."

 

[gmichael]

How do you make a dead baby float?







Start with a dead baby. Add two scoops of ice cream. Throw in a little root beer. Then blend to perfection.

 

[dkane360]

It's a little wrong and nasty, but usually gets a good laugh.

What do you call 2 lesbians having their period?



Finger painting.

 

[sparky77]

DOCTOR'S CURE FOR CONSTIPATION

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look
in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in
succession when symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of
Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner,
Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"

If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably
destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing a
public service.

 

[mulester7]

Jewish Grandmother

.....a Grandmother is watching her Grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea....being Jewish, she looks up and pleads, "PLEASE GOD, SAVE MY ONLY GRANDSON, I BEG OF YOU, BRING HIM BACK!"....a big wave comes in, and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new....she looks at her Grandson, looks up to heaven again, and Yells, "HE HAD A HAT!"

 

[Thirsty93]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.'

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Marys.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart... just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green??'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his own ears, but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

 

[sparky77]

I-90 will be closed this weekend across South Dakota. They are hauling a 400 ton lump of coal so they can add Obama to Mt Rushmore....

 

[Nemo128]

A redneck is banging his cousin when he hears the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs. He whispers "Damnit it's mah wahf. Wut we gun do now?"

The wife throws open the door and screams "Ah knew it!"

The cousin cries out "Auntie, it's not wut it looks like!"

 

[Davemcc]

.....a Grandmother is watching her Grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea....being Jewish, she looks up and pleads, "PLEASE GOD, SAVE MY ONLY GRANDSON, I BEG OF YOU, BRING HIM BACK!"....a big wave comes in, and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new....she looks at her Grandson, looks up to heaven again, and Yells, "HE HAD A HAT!"

From "Homer the Moe":
[As guards come to throw Homer out of Moe's newly-modernised tavern]
Homer: I'll throw myself out, thank you.
[He grabs his shirt collar, yanks himself toward the front door, and tosses himself to the street]
Homer: I believe I had a hat!
[Someone throws him a hat]
Homer: SUCKERS!!! [runs away laughing]

 

[Rob Babcock]

I-90 will be closed this weekend across South Dakota. They are hauling a 400 ton lump of coal so they can add Obama to Mt Rushmore....

That's not very funny but it is pretty offensive.

 

[Nemo128]

That's not very funny but it is pretty offensive.

Hey hey, he's entitled to his own brand of humor... even if I agree with you...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is sitting at the bar of a restaurant in a skyscraper getting hammered. He looks to his left and sees a guy drinking like it's going out of style, but he doesn't look a bit phased.

The first guy says to the other "Hey man, how do you drink so much without fallin off that stool?"

The second guy says "Listen bud, don't tell anyone, but since you asked, I'll let ya in on a secret... once you drink enough, it's just fuel, you can fly."

The first guy says "STFU, no way."

The second guy says "You look like you had enough. Watch, I'll go first."

The second guy gets up, goes to a balcony, opens the door, and jumps off it.

The first guy runs to the balcony, screaming in horror. He looks out over the sky and sees the second guy flying!

The second guy comes back in and says "Come on bud, it's fun, you try it!"

The first guy is a little nervous, but he gets up on the bannister, looks down, and jumps!!!... and plummets 30 stories to his death.

The second guy walks back to the bar and orders a whiskey. When the bartender brings it, he says "Ya know Superman, you're an @$$h0le when you're drunk."

 

[adwilk]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, seester?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'

'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you $300.'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400.'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had
every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad
could Immigrant Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in
every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is
'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.’

 

[Nemo128]

Courtesy of an Insider...

After the lame one before me, I figured a good one was due...
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'Tee Square, do your stuff.'

Tee Square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good..

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can
your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'Coffee Break, do your
stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies........

drank the milk.......

crapped on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats........

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

put in for Workers Compensation...............

and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............