Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Discussion in 'The Steam Vent' started by Buckeyefan 1, Nov 21, 2005.

  1. Buckeyefan 1 Audioholic Ninja

    Buckeyefan 1
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    Here's a great one from MacManNM.

    A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem . While
    they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them,
    "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here
    in the Holy Land for $150.

    The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
    home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
    would spend only $150.

    The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
    days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
    • Like Like x 8
  2. brian32672 Banned

    brian32672
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    Thats pretty funny Buck. LOL:D

    I'm sure you keep up with Mulester's long running thread HERE Plenty of funnies there.
  3. Sheep Audioholic Warlord

    Sheep
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    Yeah, Mules got a great one near the end, and middle, and beginning.....


    SheepStar
  4. Mudcat Senior Audioholic

    Mudcat
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    I don't want this thread to turn into another round of frog er French bashing. I've got plenty of friends over there in LaHarve and Paris, and we all speak excellent German.
  5. WHALER Audioholic Intern

    WHALER
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    Rodney Dangerfield

    My ex-wife was a terrible cook. At our house, we prayed after we ate.
  6. footman Junior Audioholic

    footman
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    A minister , a priest and a rabbi were discussing when life begins. The minister states " life begins at conception". The priest states " life begins at birth". The rabbi states " life begins after your dog dies and your last child goes off to college".
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  7. 1.21Gigawatts!! Audiophyte

    1.21Gigawatts!!
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    (Not trying to insult to anyone...I'm from Alabama)
    THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

    After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
    they could not afford a larger bed.

    So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin
    didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
    could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

    "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

    The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
    shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
    ear is going to help me."

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
    the can up to his ear and began to count...
    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    "4"
    "5"
    At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
    resumed counting on his other hand.
  8. Rock&Roll Ninja Audioholic Field Marshall

    Rock&Roll Ninja
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    Did you hear the one about the blonde that went to church?

    She heard there was a guy who was hung like this. (Hold your arms apart like you're telling the 'big fish' story).
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  9. highfihoney Audioholic Samurai

    highfihoney
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    a pirate walk's into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his zipper & order's a whiskey.

    the bartender hand's the pirate his drink but he cant stop wondering what's up with the steering wheel hanging out of the pirate's zipper so he ask's him,hey buddy! what's the deal with the steering wheel hanging out of your pant's,the pirate replied...............................arrrrrrrr it drive's me nut's!::rolleyes:
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  10. Sheep Audioholic Warlord

    Sheep
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    A guy walks into a bar, ouch.

    SheepStar
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  11. fergusonv Audioholic

    fergusonv
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    A small lizard was walking through the forest one day when he saw a monkey in a tree smoking a joint. The little lizard looked up and said "Hey monkey, what are you doing?" And the monkey replied "I'm getting high, do you want to joing me?"
    The little lizard crawled up the tree and got high with the monkey, about fifteen minutes or so later the little lizard all chink eyed said "I'm thirsty, I'm going to the river to get some water." So the little lizard takes off for the river, as he's approaching the river a crocodile see's him and says "Whats wrong with you little lizard?" and the lizard replies "I just got high with a monkey in a tree back there." Not believing him the croc takes off to see this for himself. The croc finally finds the monkey in the tree and looks up and says "Hey monkey, what are you doing?" The monkey looks down and says "FUC* dude! How much water did you drink!"
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  12. Davidt1 Full Audioholic

    Davidt1
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    Clinton Goes to Hell

    One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

    Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

    So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.

    The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
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  13. Shinerman Senior Audioholic

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    Recent News!

    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

    They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"

    Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were,
    "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."


    Shinerman
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  14. Duffinator Audioholic Field Marshall

    Duffinator
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    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the
    bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to
    talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"

    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me! Are you at the club?"

    MAN: "Yes"

    WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
    only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006
    models. I saw one I really liked."

    MAN: "How much?

    WOMAN: "$65,000"

    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is
    back on the market. They're asking $950,000.

    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

    WOMAN: "OK.? I'll see you later!? I love you!"

    MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.

    The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then
    he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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  15. masak_aer Senior Audioholic

    masak_aer
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    Have you got this one?

    A man walks into a barber shop each day and asks,"How long do i have to wait for a haircut?" The barber would say."another hour, Sir". The next day, the same man came and asked the same thing and this time the barber said,"two hours, Sir". It goes on and on for a week and the same man always comes in at the busiest hours.
    So one day, after the man left with the same questions, the barber said to his assistant,"Bill, follow that man and see where he goes." Not long afterwards, the assistant came back and told his boss."He went to your house and your wife eagerly hugs him."
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  16. CaliHwyPatrol Audioholic Chief

    CaliHwyPatrol
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    After returning home from a doctor's appointment, a wife is asked by her husband, "Did he say anything about your fat ***?" And the wife responded, "No, you weren't even mentioned."

    ---------


    A woman is giving birth and her husband is also in the delivery room. As soon as the baby pops out the doctor takes it and throws it against the wall. The couple is shocked in disbelief as the doctor again picks up the baby and smacks it against the wall. He then turns to the mortified parents and says, "Oh I was just messing with you, it was already dead."


    ~Chuck
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  17. Sheep Audioholic Warlord

    Sheep
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    That second joke is priceless.:D

    SheepStar
  18. majorloser Moderator

    majorloser
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    That's one of the best jokes I've seen in a long while :D
  19. Buckeyefan 1 Audioholic Ninja

    Buckeyefan 1
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    mother in law jokes

    A gardener is looking for a hoe and asks his wife:
    Have you seen that old hoe?
    Right then the man's Mother-in-law replies from the kitchen:
    I'm not old!


    A man was standing on the corner of an intersection watching a funeral procession pass by, when suddenly he was struck by an unusual sight: behind the hearse followed a man leading a goat on a rope, who in turn was closely trailed by a line of young men. Approaching the man with a goat, the bystander inquired:
    - Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me who has died, and why this strange following?
    - Well, you see, the man answered, "the person in the hearse is my mother-in-law. Yesterday, while picking vegetables in our garden, she was struck from behind by this goat and killed instantly."
    - Really! the bystander said eagerly. "Think I might borrow him for a day or so?"
    - Sure, responded the man, "but you'll have to go to the back like everyone else".


    A guy cries over a grave shouting "why did you pass away so early?"
    A bystander politely asks "whom are you mourning over?"
    This is the first husband of my wife.


    What do you do if you miss your mother in law?? RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!


    Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My mother in law is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."


    Q: How do you stop your mother in law from drowning?
    A: Take your foot off her head.


    Mother Knows Best: At a senior citizen's meeting, a couple were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. The husband stood up and was telling story of his dating habits in his youth. It seemed that every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.



    Q: What's the difference between a dead mother-in-law lying in the middle of the road, and a dead snake lying in the middle of the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the snake!


    My mother-in- law is so cross-eyed, that when she cries the tears roll down her back!


    A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have 2 wishes. He will get whatever 2 things he wishes, BUT whatever he gets, his mother in law will get double. The man thinks for a while & then proclaims "1. I'd like a million dollars. 2. Beat me half to death".


    My mother in law is so big, we had to stop buying her Malcolm X tee shirts, because helicopters kept trying to land on her.


    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

    "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


    Q: What's the definition of happiness?
    A: Getting up in the morning and seeing your mother-in-law's picture on a milk carton!


    The definition of mixed emotions - seeing your mother-in-law drive over the cliff in your new car.
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2006
  20. mike c Audioholic Warlord

    mike c
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    ummm buckeyefan, I take it you DON'T like your mother in law?

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