Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Midcow2

Midcow2

Banned
Baptizing the Bear

Baptizing the Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokiest, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


Later,

MidCow2 :D
 
Rickster71

Rickster71

Audioholic Spartan
Pittsburgh Steelers to lose trophies

The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be loosing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of their Steeler Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.

"We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl." said Obama "We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times." Obama’s plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers. "The Detroit Loins are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well." Obama explains in his plan that he has imposed on Gadel and the NFL.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing of free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Hussain Obama’s plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL’s less successful teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, "In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every fan."

"My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league." Obama assures. That’s over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL will not have to worry about loosing any Super Bowl Trophies. "The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can’t seem to get a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title." Obama promises. "We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change. It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of this great American league."

The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again. The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler’s division rival the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler’s two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper.

All hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans, Barack Hussain Obama has another plan in place. Obama has meet with MLB and commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two of their world series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates as a supplement to their losing 16 straight seasons, and counting. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the American Dream. Barack Hussain Obama will be meeting with the NHL and Michael Phelps in the upcoming weeks as this issue is high on his agenda for "Hopenchange."
 
mperfct

mperfct

Audioholic Samurai
I've heard this one before, but think it's worth a retelling.

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, but her father was a staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to high taxes and welfare programs.

He stopped her and asked her, "How are you doing in school?"

She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA, but it was really tough. She had to study all the time and ever had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because she was spending all her time studying. On top of that, the part-time job her father insisted she keep left absolutely no time for anything else.

He asked, "How is your friend Mary?"

She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, but was very popular on campus, didn't have a job, and went to all the parties. She was always complaining about not having any money, but didn't want to work. Why, she often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and request that 1.0 be taken off her 4.0 and given it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a respectable 3.0 GPA. Then, she could also give her friend half the money she'd earned from her job so that her friend would no longer be broke.

The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair. I worked really hard for my grades and money, and Mary just loafs. Why should her laziness and irresponsibility be rewarded with half of what I've worked for?"

The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse and the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."

The young man thought a second and said, "Father, I have no idea what a novena is, but if you've got some blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
The Marines found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a Bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hand overhead to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord! he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are Your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".....
 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
Nice picture Mule.
Which one is you? :p
.....Nomo, I'm in that brand-new red Vette way back in the picture, and my buddy shot this one....thanks for asking, turd :D.....
 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
.....after the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk....he told me the other vehicle was a cow....(buuurp).....
 
J

jostenmeat

Audioholic Spartan
.....after the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk....he told me the other vehicle was a cow....(buuurp).....
Offest Honester,
I'm Sotally Tober. :p
 
Alex2507

Alex2507

Audioholic Slumlord
The young mixed up gay man was halfway through his first session with his psychiatrist when he called out "Kiss me, Kiss me, Kiss me"
"Certainly not " the psychiatrist replied " That would be unethical. I shouldn't even be screwing you !"
 
J

jamie2112

Banned
Mulester back with a vengance.....sweet nice to have your wit back......
 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
Mulester back with a vengeance.....sweet nice to have your wit back......
.....thanks, Jamie....no vengeance in me, and it's just good to be welcomed....I'll slow down soon, I'm about out of material.....
 
mouettus

mouettus

Audioholic Chief
The young mixed up gay man was halfway through his first session with his psychiatrist when he called out "Kiss me, Kiss me, Kiss me"
"Certainly not " the psychiatrist replied " That would be unethical. I shouldn't even be screwing you !"
ahaaaaaaa! I love those sick jokes!

it's like dead babies jokes. my favorite one has to be:

"What's the worst part in killing a baby? ---- having blood all over your clown suit"


haahha
 
Davemcc

Davemcc

Audioholic Spartan
ahaaaaaaa! I love those sick jokes!

it's like dead babies jokes. my favorite one has to be:

"What's the worst part in killing a baby? ---- having blood all over your clown suit"


haahha
What do you call a dead baby:

At the bottom of a hole? Phil
Hanging on the wall? Art.
On your front porch? Matt.
In a lake? Bob.
Under you car? Jack.
In your mailbox? Bill.
On a drum set? Tom
In your garden? Herb.
On your lawn? Pete.
On a fishing boat? Rod.
 
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