Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

Sheep

Sheep

Audioholic Warlord
Johnd said:
That's not very funny. :) Anyone got a good joke? I would, but I'm fresh out right now.
You bet.

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep
hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks
down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his
face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?

You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!

Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was
chained to a railroad tie.

SheepStar
 
J

Johnd

Audioholic Samurai
Yes. Good one Sheep. Especially at the risk of self-deprecation, that shows some style.
 
mike c

mike c

Audioholic Warlord
Sheep said:
Hey! you reached 1000! Welcome to the club :)

SheepStar
thanks!

who here has spent more time on the web and this forum researching and reading about audio than actually using their setup ... raise your hand!
 
gmichael

gmichael

Audioholic Spartan
Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...


On the couch...




Naked
 
gmichael

gmichael

Audioholic Spartan
>
> > I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me: her beautiful younger sister.
> >
> > My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and went bra-less. One day she called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she told me she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she wanted to make love to me just once before I married her sister.
> >
> > Of course I was totally shocked and couldn't say a word.
> >
> > She unbuttoned her shirt exposing her beautiful bare breast and let it drop from her arms to the floor, then she said, "I'm going up stairs to my bedroom but if you want one last wild fling, come up and join me.

> > I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs. Finally, at the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down at me.
> >> >
> > I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight out the front door to my car.
> >
> > Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
> >
> With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We're so happy that you've passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
> >
> > And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.





The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
 
MacManNM

MacManNM

Banned
The RECTRUM STRETCHER

The RECTRUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh, yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work
from side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch it, until
it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$4ole?" he asked.

She said, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge......."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face..................PRICELESS
 
Sheep

Sheep

Audioholic Warlord
MacManNM said:
The RECTUM(- the R) STRETCHER

[snip]
I get the joke, but is it implying that cops are 6 foot wide rectums because they're doing their job?

We had radar taken away because speeders said it wasn't "fair".

This just in, traffic related deaths in BC has sky-rocketed.

SheepStar
 
MacManNM

MacManNM

Banned
Sheep said:
I get the joke, but is it implying that cops are 6 foot wide rectums because they're doing their job?

SheepStar

You'll understand better when you're old enough to get your license.
 
gmichael

gmichael

Audioholic Spartan
Sheep said:
I get the joke, but is it implying that cops are 6 foot wide rectums because they're doing their job?

We had radar taken away because speeders said it wasn't "fair".

This just in, traffic related deaths in BC has sky-rocketed.

SheepStar
It's not them doing their job that the problem. It's that smirk that goes with it. The, "I'm better than you" attitude that just drips out of every pore.

But really, it's just a joke.
 

Dumar

Audioholic
Speaking of cops ... check this one out:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
 
JeffD2.

JeffD2.

Audioholic
What's pickle bread made out of?

hightlight to read- " Dildo "
 
Last edited by a moderator:
surveyor

surveyor

Audioholic Chief
Old Men

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim
naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."



Moral: Old men can still think fast!
 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
.....Smile For The Queen, Lords and Ladies.....

An Englishman, a Canadian, and an American were kidnapped. The kidnapper said "Before I shoot you you will be alowed last words."
The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of the loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society, and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
 
mulester7

mulester7

Audioholic Samurai
.....any Canadian thinking I was putting down anything to do with Canada or Canadians with that last one is mistaken....I feel there is potential for a more honest people in Canada....my Brother, departed, had friends in Canada he visited often....he said they were the most "real" people he had ever known....I love Canada also....I thoroughly enjoyed a couple of days in Vancouver while on an 8-dayer to Seattle, and about a year later, an 8-dayer in Toronto, my gosh, what a beautiful and impressive skyline at night from the 9 or 10 story Hotel that has the short space-needle restaurant on top of it......my black Zippo lighter with the flag of Canada on the front, is a memento from the Toronto trip, and I treasure it....and hey, is the Canadian view of Niagara Falls the "best hands-down" or what?......
 
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