A couple of quick points:
- When you say the sub is subtle for music, that is a good thing. If you can definitely say 'oh, the sub is over there' that is bad. The whole point is you should not be able to localize the bass (ie tell where it is coming from).
- When you take into account the main room and adjoining rooms, the recommendation will always be for a larger, more powerful sub. That is all well and good but as always there is a certain degree of personal preference. The difference is how low (frequency) at how high (SPL level) it can produce. If you want 110 dB at 20 Hz, a small sub just won't cut it with all that extra open space, but do you really
need that? Maybe yes, maybe no.
For example, my room is 16 x 18 x 9 but is open to the kitchen breakfast nook area and in a way slightly open to the dining room because it is only separated by a half wall. The little SB12-Plus I bought can go down to 20 Hz but with that large space can in no way do 110 dB at 20 Hz. I think it is fine and sounds very good, but I can't really relate to the guys that say their oven door vibrates open or pictures vibrate on the wall...that just doesn't happen in my space. But, it does add quite a bit of punch and I like it. Besides, I can always add a second SB12. A ginormous 125 lb beast just wouldn't work aesthetically for the room even though it would likely be far better for room shaking bass. So far I'm reasonably happy with the compromise I've chosen (for now

)