surveyor said:
I would like to inquire of the Great Opra as follows:
Are farts supposed to be wet and lumpy?
Could the afore mentioned be a direct of Red Dog Beer??
Ah Grasshopper – you question is both gross and wise.
To the gross part – umm…sometimes.
To the wise part – you have identified one of the sources of much confusion in the universe. Many suspect beverages of the alcoholic persuasion to be the root of any number of evils (lewd and lascivious behavior, poor relationship decisions, the 70’s) but mostly those suspicions are false (or misguided). True, alcohol does lower inhibitions allowing some to act in a way they are normally inclined but are stopped by social mores, personal hang-ups, and little angel’s sitting on their shoulders but that doesn’t mean that alcohol is responsible for their actions.
One of the most prevalent alcohol related myths (or snake oil as it’s generally called around these parts) is that there are preventative measures one can take to reduce/eliminate God’s punishment for having fun, i.e. the hangover. The hangover or “oh my God, what the hell did I drink last night” as I like to call it is a necessary component of the alcohol related night of debauchery and debasement, or as I like to call it, “Tuesday.” There is no getting around it. If you happen to wake up without one when you know damn good and well you should have one, God skipped you. But don’t worry, you’ll get a double scoop next time (or He’ll put the idea in your head to start posting at the height of intoxication and nothing good ever comes out of that).
Nope, no getting around it – it’s as immutable as taxes and death. Now, there are ways to reduce the longevity of the experience as many of you are aware…unfortunately you are mostly wrong – not by any fault of your own but because you’ve been led astray by well meaning but misinformed friends and family. I few rules to live by:
1) Never EVER take any “miracle cure” drink from a friend – especially if it has a raw egg in it. They are either completely unaware to the fact that your throat will violently expel any such substance, or they are curious to see it happen.
2) That whole dehydration thing is totally crazy – how could you be dehydrated? You’ve been drinking all night.
3) “The hair of the dog that bit you” only works for hardcore drinkers who are looking for a leg up on the next night’s Bacchus inspired festivities. If you are planning to go to work, probably not such a good idea.
4) Lack of sugar is totally made up. If that was true all those captain and coke drinkers would be immune.
5) People who advocate eating greasy or fried food (preferably both, wrapped in bacon if at all possible) just want to eat greasy or fried food. You don’t have to be hungover to want that, just alive.
6) Don’t mix drinks (liquor before beer, or whatever – if I can’t remember it sober, how I am I gonna remember it drunk?). Not only is this impossible to remember, but everyone knows that nothing goes with beer better than hard liquor. And nothing goes with hard liquor like beer. And nothing goes with them both better than late night calls to the ex about how stupid you were and how you’ll never drink again. It’ll work this time, I promise.
7) Drinking yourself sober is impossible, I’ve tried. You can drink yourself asleep, or drink yourself to prison, or drink yourself to divorce – but not sober. Nope. Well, maybe a little more testing is in order.
8) Coffee – well this is more of a sobering tool than a hangover cure but it implies that caffeine is somehow more powerful than alcohol – and we all know that caffeine runs and hides like a turkey on Thanksgiving whenever alcohol comes in the room. Caffeine is alcohol’s bioch and everyone knows it…though, this does lead us into the only REAL hangover “treatment”:
I have one rule when it comes to long nights of liver shriveling, stomach pickling, bed spinning, three-tooth chick hitting on, consuming your body weight in alcohol mornings…The Three Sh*ts Rule. The Rule states that, until you take the requisite number of…um…you know…you will continue to be hungover. The faster you get past the magic number, the sooner the hangover will abate. And as all coffee drinkers know, there is nothing like a strong cup of joe to send you, cheeks clenched, to the nearest porcelain throne. Add a drag off a cig and a bran muffin, and you’re likely to need medical assistance.
So, to answer your questions in short: sometimes and yes.
OPRA (Anyone got the sport pages, I just had a venti)
