yettitheman
Audioholic General
Well, this is usually where I lead in with a snappy, catchy introduction and then make it outright derogatory or tie it in with sarcasm. Not tonight (or this morning as the case is.)
Seeing as that AH seems to have very smart and talented people of all diversities here (not that any other sites do, but I know AH well enough, and I really would like to keep away from another "website", more on that in a minute though), I'm coming here because I need to confirm something. You may think I'm Sarah Connor, and your saving my future (ok, so a little sarcasm, I guess I'm getting a bit better.)
It's pretty much 5:20am, and I was in bed at 3am a little bit ago. Some of you would say it's late, but for me, it's actually early, compared to going to bed around 11am or so (like I have been doing).
Sleep is one of the issues. I've been having trouble with it since the "incident" happened. But, I've always had trouble sleeping one way or another, but this is just magnified due to the situation.
Reoccurring thoughts is another problem. I thought that I was nearly done with it, but when you think you have it under control, it just pops back up to haunt you again.
Shaking. Yes, shaking. I just checked my thermostat at 69 degrees, and it's what I consider a normally warm temperature. It's almost similar to a chill you get when outside in 0 F gust with a decent jacket, but, well, everything is shaking, more noticeably, my hands and arms are the worst. My body feels like it's trying to increase and decrease regulation temperature even though the thermometer says I am at 98.5 F.
Unlike articles where it reads "do you feel like a tightly wound coil", I feel like I have an inflatable air bag in my body and it's pressing as I shake (it's not heart attack symptoms, I know all about that in my family) and that I'm a big 120mm cannon ready to fire off but there is a big plate welded in the barrel.
Now, I am probably going to have to go see a doctor very very soon, because I am slowly cooking what is left of my sanity, and grasping hold of it is getting harder to do. But I've self diagnosed (which may mean nothing at all) myself as having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
First off, I am not a Military Vet or current enlistee (yet), and have not experienced any gory, horrific acts (the stuff that they put some people in solitary for).
But, what I have experienced, to me, is highly traumatic and is extremely stressful. The ability to "simply control" my thoughts or emotions on this is determined by how my brain works (or some would say how it does not.)
I'm very sure, that I have been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome at one point or another when I was in grade school (my sister still jokes and calls me A$$-Bergers Boy from time to time, but she is the only one that can get away with it.) In reality, this does not help my coping with my situation at all.
I was hoping not to delve into specifics about this problem, but for understanding, I think that it's just going to have to have the details distilled, as it is still uncomfortable to think or talk about.
My now ex, was someone with (but I don't know if changed for better or worse) Bi-Polar and Manic Depressive. At the time, she also had a thyroid imbalance which as many of you know, affects not only the body, but the mind as well.
She is also an extremely religious person, and the time that we talked and spent together was wonderful. She really was an inspiration for me to do great and wonderful things. It did not bother me that she was diagnosed with these complications, and to me, it was nothing short of a compelling inspiration that she was that beautiful on the inside despite the way she acted out at me sometimes. I trust you that I wasn't perfect either, but she definitely had ups and downs, and some just came at me like a more than vertical mountain to climb up. I threw my hands up sometimes, not because I was hateful or didn't care; I just never knew how to comfort or assure someone that would on occasion, just refute all help.
It was difficult for me and her. With all the bad that happened, I still smiled at her and held her close as parent would hold their child. Three years over internet, phone, and visiting. I watched her bloom, and become happier (or so I think), as well as just transform into a more wonderful person.
Now, I've never had the option or luxury to break up with any woman, and I kind of wish that I did for the sake of saying "Well, they aren't right for me" and confirm it. Now, if you've read anything about Aspergers on Wiki, you'll notice that I (by law of transverse property
) observe certain patterns well. One of these patterns is, you guessed it, relationships. I've had enough situations programmed into my brain, that I can predict (with 100% accuracy so far) when something big is about to take a fan hit. It was the last time I was with her.
Some of you more experienced veterans may know what I'm talking about; everything is completely fine and normal, and nothing is out of the ordinary. But, you have a very very small feeling or thought that something big is out of place (and I'm not talking pants wise). It's nothing that could ever be substantiated with evidence of any sort; yet you know it is there, and you are sure of it, that something is going to happen. Yet, you pass it off, keep it in memory, and just get on with the day and not think nothing of it. It's remotely like you know when your engine is going to backfire; it's not doing it yet, but you know it will soon and you're not sure why.
Guess what? I was right that time; as after that, details that I won't divulge, but when I got back home from the last trip, I felt that "engine backfiring." I mean bad backfiring; the kind that knocks holes in engine blocks and melts pistons to goo. This is what this was; it sounded just like a old, tired motor, with no oil pressure on it's last mission out.
And, it happened. The "engine died," or, the relation (at least for me, but maybe not her) ended abruptly.
Of course, both of us being stubborn for different reasons eventually put a widening gap between us, for the fact that she said that (paraphrase) "I am a (sic)Hardcore Christian; you're not the man God wants me to marry; unequaled yolk; it doesn't matter how good of a man you are or are not if you are not religious; I've waited three years for you" and the big one that got me was something I distinctly remember and really set me off:
"I am bound by the will of God to never speak to you again" (the quote is very close enough).
Seeing as that AH seems to have very smart and talented people of all diversities here (not that any other sites do, but I know AH well enough, and I really would like to keep away from another "website", more on that in a minute though), I'm coming here because I need to confirm something. You may think I'm Sarah Connor, and your saving my future (ok, so a little sarcasm, I guess I'm getting a bit better.)
It's pretty much 5:20am, and I was in bed at 3am a little bit ago. Some of you would say it's late, but for me, it's actually early, compared to going to bed around 11am or so (like I have been doing).
Sleep is one of the issues. I've been having trouble with it since the "incident" happened. But, I've always had trouble sleeping one way or another, but this is just magnified due to the situation.
Reoccurring thoughts is another problem. I thought that I was nearly done with it, but when you think you have it under control, it just pops back up to haunt you again.
Shaking. Yes, shaking. I just checked my thermostat at 69 degrees, and it's what I consider a normally warm temperature. It's almost similar to a chill you get when outside in 0 F gust with a decent jacket, but, well, everything is shaking, more noticeably, my hands and arms are the worst. My body feels like it's trying to increase and decrease regulation temperature even though the thermometer says I am at 98.5 F.
Unlike articles where it reads "do you feel like a tightly wound coil", I feel like I have an inflatable air bag in my body and it's pressing as I shake (it's not heart attack symptoms, I know all about that in my family) and that I'm a big 120mm cannon ready to fire off but there is a big plate welded in the barrel.
Now, I am probably going to have to go see a doctor very very soon, because I am slowly cooking what is left of my sanity, and grasping hold of it is getting harder to do. But I've self diagnosed (which may mean nothing at all) myself as having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
First off, I am not a Military Vet or current enlistee (yet), and have not experienced any gory, horrific acts (the stuff that they put some people in solitary for).
But, what I have experienced, to me, is highly traumatic and is extremely stressful. The ability to "simply control" my thoughts or emotions on this is determined by how my brain works (or some would say how it does not.)
I'm very sure, that I have been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome at one point or another when I was in grade school (my sister still jokes and calls me A$$-Bergers Boy from time to time, but she is the only one that can get away with it.) In reality, this does not help my coping with my situation at all.
I was hoping not to delve into specifics about this problem, but for understanding, I think that it's just going to have to have the details distilled, as it is still uncomfortable to think or talk about.
My now ex, was someone with (but I don't know if changed for better or worse) Bi-Polar and Manic Depressive. At the time, she also had a thyroid imbalance which as many of you know, affects not only the body, but the mind as well.
She is also an extremely religious person, and the time that we talked and spent together was wonderful. She really was an inspiration for me to do great and wonderful things. It did not bother me that she was diagnosed with these complications, and to me, it was nothing short of a compelling inspiration that she was that beautiful on the inside despite the way she acted out at me sometimes. I trust you that I wasn't perfect either, but she definitely had ups and downs, and some just came at me like a more than vertical mountain to climb up. I threw my hands up sometimes, not because I was hateful or didn't care; I just never knew how to comfort or assure someone that would on occasion, just refute all help.
It was difficult for me and her. With all the bad that happened, I still smiled at her and held her close as parent would hold their child. Three years over internet, phone, and visiting. I watched her bloom, and become happier (or so I think), as well as just transform into a more wonderful person.
Now, I've never had the option or luxury to break up with any woman, and I kind of wish that I did for the sake of saying "Well, they aren't right for me" and confirm it. Now, if you've read anything about Aspergers on Wiki, you'll notice that I (by law of transverse property
) observe certain patterns well. One of these patterns is, you guessed it, relationships. I've had enough situations programmed into my brain, that I can predict (with 100% accuracy so far) when something big is about to take a fan hit. It was the last time I was with her. Some of you more experienced veterans may know what I'm talking about; everything is completely fine and normal, and nothing is out of the ordinary. But, you have a very very small feeling or thought that something big is out of place (and I'm not talking pants wise). It's nothing that could ever be substantiated with evidence of any sort; yet you know it is there, and you are sure of it, that something is going to happen. Yet, you pass it off, keep it in memory, and just get on with the day and not think nothing of it. It's remotely like you know when your engine is going to backfire; it's not doing it yet, but you know it will soon and you're not sure why.
Guess what? I was right that time; as after that, details that I won't divulge, but when I got back home from the last trip, I felt that "engine backfiring." I mean bad backfiring; the kind that knocks holes in engine blocks and melts pistons to goo. This is what this was; it sounded just like a old, tired motor, with no oil pressure on it's last mission out.
And, it happened. The "engine died," or, the relation (at least for me, but maybe not her) ended abruptly.
Of course, both of us being stubborn for different reasons eventually put a widening gap between us, for the fact that she said that (paraphrase) "I am a (sic)Hardcore Christian; you're not the man God wants me to marry; unequaled yolk; it doesn't matter how good of a man you are or are not if you are not religious; I've waited three years for you" and the big one that got me was something I distinctly remember and really set me off:
"I am bound by the will of God to never speak to you again" (the quote is very close enough).
