Doctor Time? You are going to need a comfy chair for this.

[yettitheman]

Well, this is usually where I lead in with a snappy, catchy introduction and then make it outright derogatory or tie it in with sarcasm. Not tonight (or this morning as the case is.)

Seeing as that AH seems to have very smart and talented people of all diversities here (not that any other sites do, but I know AH well enough, and I really would like to keep away from another "website", more on that in a minute though), I'm coming here because I need to confirm something. You may think I'm Sarah Connor, and your saving my future (ok, so a little sarcasm, I guess I'm getting a bit better.)

It's pretty much 5:20am, and I was in bed at 3am a little bit ago. Some of you would say it's late, but for me, it's actually early, compared to going to bed around 11am or so (like I have been doing).

Sleep is one of the issues. I've been having trouble with it since the "incident" happened. But, I've always had trouble sleeping one way or another, but this is just magnified due to the situation.

Reoccurring thoughts is another problem. I thought that I was nearly done with it, but when you think you have it under control, it just pops back up to haunt you again.

Shaking. Yes, shaking. I just checked my thermostat at 69 degrees, and it's what I consider a normally warm temperature. It's almost similar to a chill you get when outside in 0 F gust with a decent jacket, but, well, everything is shaking, more noticeably, my hands and arms are the worst. My body feels like it's trying to increase and decrease regulation temperature even though the thermometer says I am at 98.5 F.

Unlike articles where it reads "do you feel like a tightly wound coil", I feel like I have an inflatable air bag in my body and it's pressing as I shake (it's not heart attack symptoms, I know all about that in my family) and that I'm a big 120mm cannon ready to fire off but there is a big plate welded in the barrel.

Now, I am probably going to have to go see a doctor very very soon, because I am slowly cooking what is left of my sanity, and grasping hold of it is getting harder to do. But I've self diagnosed (which may mean nothing at all) myself as having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

First off, I am not a Military Vet or current enlistee (yet), and have not experienced any gory, horrific acts (the stuff that they put some people in solitary for).
But, what I have experienced, to me, is highly traumatic and is extremely stressful. The ability to "simply control" my thoughts or emotions on this is determined by how my brain works (or some would say how it does not.)

I'm very sure, that I have been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome at one point or another when I was in grade school (my sister still jokes and calls me A$$-Bergers Boy from time to time, but she is the only one that can get away with it.) In reality, this does not help my coping with my situation at all.

I was hoping not to delve into specifics about this problem, but for understanding, I think that it's just going to have to have the details distilled, as it is still uncomfortable to think or talk about.

My now ex, was someone with (but I don't know if changed for better or worse) Bi-Polar and Manic Depressive. At the time, she also had a thyroid imbalance which as many of you know, affects not only the body, but the mind as well.
She is also an extremely religious person, and the time that we talked and spent together was wonderful. She really was an inspiration for me to do great and wonderful things. It did not bother me that she was diagnosed with these complications, and to me, it was nothing short of a compelling inspiration that she was that beautiful on the inside despite the way she acted out at me sometimes. I trust you that I wasn't perfect either, but she definitely had ups and downs, and some just came at me like a more than vertical mountain to climb up. I threw my hands up sometimes, not because I was hateful or didn't care; I just never knew how to comfort or assure someone that would on occasion, just refute all help.

It was difficult for me and her. With all the bad that happened, I still smiled at her and held her close as parent would hold their child. Three years over internet, phone, and visiting. I watched her bloom, and become happier (or so I think), as well as just transform into a more wonderful person.

Now, I've never had the option or luxury to break up with any woman, and I kind of wish that I did for the sake of saying "Well, they aren't right for me" and confirm it. Now, if you've read anything about Aspergers on Wiki, you'll notice that I (by law of transverse property ) observe certain patterns well. One of these patterns is, you guessed it, relationships. I've had enough situations programmed into my brain, that I can predict (with 100% accuracy so far) when something big is about to take a fan hit. It was the last time I was with her.

Some of you more experienced veterans may know what I'm talking about; everything is completely fine and normal, and nothing is out of the ordinary. But, you have a very very small feeling or thought that something big is out of place (and I'm not talking pants wise). It's nothing that could ever be substantiated with evidence of any sort; yet you know it is there, and you are sure of it, that something is going to happen. Yet, you pass it off, keep it in memory, and just get on with the day and not think nothing of it. It's remotely like you know when your engine is going to backfire; it's not doing it yet, but you know it will soon and you're not sure why.

Guess what? I was right that time; as after that, details that I won't divulge, but when I got back home from the last trip, I felt that "engine backfiring." I mean bad backfiring; the kind that knocks holes in engine blocks and melts pistons to goo. This is what this was; it sounded just like a old, tired motor, with no oil pressure on it's last mission out.

And, it happened. The "engine died," or, the relation (at least for me, but maybe not her) ended abruptly.

Of course, both of us being stubborn for different reasons eventually put a widening gap between us, for the fact that she said that (paraphrase) "I am a (sic)Hardcore Christian; you're not the man God wants me to marry; unequaled yolk; it doesn't matter how good of a man you are or are not if you are not religious; I've waited three years for you" and the big one that got me was something I distinctly remember and really set me off:
"I am bound by the will of God to never speak to you again" (the quote is very close enough).

 

[yettitheman]

Part 2

That last quote put me into raging s**t mode. ULTRA RAGE. I'm a pretty easy guy (at least I think I am, and maybe Seth will chime in and say something constructive like "Just shut up dude, get over it" .... jk) and not a whole lot gets me enraged.
Threatening any member of my family will set me off quicker than you would ever think possible.
My high mileage car breaking, and having to fix it in 20 or lower degree weather (Fahrenheit for you metric users) only to find that more stuff is breaking and my hands freeze. I get pretty mad about that.

But, hypocrisy, is something that enrages me quite quickly. I've always been one to be as anti-hypocrite as possible, but I am human too.
However, I've noticed that a lot of "Christians" (and I am one too, and trust me, far from perfect and I will GLADLY ADMIT it), more specifically "Die Hard Christians" from my observations are highly hypocritical. I understand completely that it will happen to everyone at least once, including me. I am a person that is deeply, deeply ashamed when I am hypocritical; so much so that usually I denounce the fact that I am Christian, just because religion does not need any more bad rap in this time and age (close to the Apocalypse, but how close is another discussion).

But when she said that, I took off like a F/A-22. I blew up. She was my Christian mentor, the one that motivated me to do better, to strive harder. I know I was slow in learning (or as she said "not even trying") but it takes time to change. It does not happen overnight magically. I have thoughts and feelings, and even though I believe in the concept God and that we were in fact created by Him, I have to understand and apply these connections before I fully believe. I don't blindly follow.
She was my mentor, and she was more religious that me (study and devout.) And yet, what she said made me totally cross.

I know everything else from my Dad (who is really a devoted study, but is fairly quiet), and I absolutely trust him; he is an extremely wise man, and knows exactly what he is talking about in the book (at least I understand everything he says). When she said what she said, I am sure that you, the reader, can understand why I felt this was bad; this is TOTALLY against my view of Christianity. To me, you DO NOT SHUN Christians. You shouldn't shun non-Christians or non believers either, but to me it just FLOORS me to shun another Christian. You don't have to like every Christian you meet, but to shun? THAT'S why I lost it.

The problem is, is that she had a tendency (when we were together at least) to make a problem harder for me, not because she was genuinely trying, but it's part of the medical conditions I described earlier. Think of it like Tourrettes; the person says something obscene, but does not always mean it. It's a transparent action.

I have no idea if she was trying to drive a deeper gap or what, but the "GO" button was pressed, and I burned the f**k out of that bridge. I probably made men that wear and use flamethrowers look amateur. Burning is something I do in a last ditch; to me there is nothing to gain, and to make sure I don't get my "GO" button set off again, I just burn the living daylights out of the bridge. People say you shouldn't burn bridges, and sometimes they are right. This might have been a situation where it may have been nice, but I can tell when people are through with me. I guess I like complete assurance with something that ends, because to me there is no more worrying about guessing. She said it's over? Well, just to make sure.... :burn:, yep. (weeks and months later; "Perhaps, not very bright...)

Then I worry about what I can do to make it up. Honestly, not much of anything. She still refuses to talk, and I should just leave it at that absolute.

It's not that easy though for me. For most, I'm sure it wouldn't be easy either.

But, it's been two years since the fact, and I'm still struggling. Probably the situation with losing my job shortly there after (not related to her, but pretty much right after I burnt the rest of the bridge), and stress from the family worrying about retire benefits, and I've just became drained. Another good woman can bring my spirits up, but she is going to have to deal with some messed up crap this time around. And, unlikely is the prospect, given the extremely small populous and relative distance to big cities. Impossible.

But, I've also slowly rewound back to my old self. Not because I forgot everything I learned, but I don't believe in it anymore. I'm pretty much back to the way I thought and felt in high school (which was way over 5 years ago now), and I was a rather violent, self destructive person. I'm back into believing grandeur; and trust me, I AM INVINCIBLE.
So much in fact, that in the event that I cannot acquire a civilian job within the end of this year, I am signing up for a branch of the US Armed Services.
Come heaven or hell, I'll go in. I'll be going in for more than that too (my father and grandfather were in the Army, and it would be nice to continue that tradition) and while I don't exactly agree with the wars we are fighting, I want to support our troops in a way that would make a noticeable difference; helping them get out of a situation at the expense of my life. Helping other Americans out by doing something that not many people want to do; fight. I realize that this may sound very skewed and possibly wrongful to join for that alone, but, we all will die someday.

If I die at an old age the rate I am at, I will be miserable. If I die fighting, well, I could call myself a hero (even though I really wouldn't be), and accomplish something for once. If I make it back alive, then something was done wrong Take that grandeur!

Although, playing Austrian Death Machine - Get To The Chopper while riding in the front of a tank shooting a .50 cal would be great. If I do make it that far, I AM going to do that while blowing everything up. Of course, it will have to be a mission where we have authority to bust down, well, anything with guns. Lots of guns.

So, now that you've had the longest read on AH, relax, sit back, and enjoy something smooth to drink. Me, it's taken two hours to write this, it has 13996 characters (hence two posts), and I'm going to take a short drive to cure the rest of my twitching/shaking and then drink my three shots of Jim Beam in one gulp before I go to bed. Hopefully that will make me sleep. If not, I'm genuinely crazy, insomniatic, and I probably need to be shot regardless, as I would be a zombie.

And, to ask the question (yeah, now I get to it):
Do you think I should see a doctor and get a "real" test to see if I have PTSD? Should I go back to the psychiatrist again (for the x number of time I can't remember, even though I have no insurance to pay for any visits) and get help? Or should I join the Armed Services?

Just you wait. And, this is a thread of a serious topic. I probably will report general dillweeds and ask moderators to delete certain posts. I normally would not do this, but, the last thing I need is someone to say "Move on with life" - I've heard it a million times, and you know what? I know all the words to that song and I still don't know how to dance to it.

///END LONG RANT

 

[Alex2507]

"I am bound by the will of God to never speak to you again".

You should have asked her what He had in mind for you.

... it's been two years ...

That's a long time. If you don't have friends or family to help you sort through this, then a shrink might be in order. You're not going to be of any benefit to the military or another woman until you get past this.

/my $0.02

 

[majorloser]

Wow dude, I feel your pain.

I would say you could use some therapy, but I wouldn't recommend a psychiatrist. You need a good psychologist or counselor. Somebody to talk things over with. If they feel you need a prescription, they will refer you to a psychiatrist. You may even be able to find some free or affordable options in your area for counselling.


Though I close in a somewhat joking manner, there is some truth to this:

"Men go to war over religion, but they commit murder over women."

You have a very tough road ahead. Getting over affairs of the heart can be more damaging then losing a limb. Don't let it destroy your life.

 

[Davemcc]

I'm not sure I'm getting it. Exactly why are you obsessing over a breakup that happened two years ago?

 

[Rickster71]

I have much respect for you, asking for advice in this public forum. Talking about it is a good first step.

Please remember... we're dopey Home Theater guys


You mentioned a psychiatrist; did he/she prescribe any meds? I'd go back to see them and find out if there are any cheaper alternatives.(than seeing a full blown psychiatrist)
Asperger's Disorder requires you to get professional help.
Forget the self diagnosis, and religious intervention stuff; that's just a way of allowing your mind to distract you from getting real help.

Please don't try to handle this alone!

I know that it's a process of Behavioral modification and the prescribing of different drugs, depending on your symptoms.
A PM to TLS guy may shed more light on this.

The military is a very honorable thing to do; provided you get this stuff worked out before hand. (as Alex mentioned)



Good Luck,
Rick

 

[MidnightSensi]

You need to find another girl to help you get over the last one.

They are all crazy, some different than others, but all crazy.

I've had some hard break ups, but, never ones that bothered me for years. You maybe need to talk to someone, but, try finding another girl (specifically one that gives bomb head).

As far as the religion aspect, I'm not a Christian, but my understanding of Christianity is that humans are all flawed - no one is a perfect Christian. You try your best, and ask the lord for guidance.

 

[Halon451]

Hey yetti - it took a lot of guts and courage to spill that much on here, and hopefully the "dillweeds" will have a heart and refrain from posting nonsense to what is obviously a very serious issue you are experiencing (or perhaps a number of issues as the case may be).

To answer your question, I believe that you're long past the time to see a doctor - hey, we all hit rocky roads at times, there's no shame in reaching out for help, especially when it has begun to impact your life the way you describe. Someone above mentioned why obsess over something that happened two years ago, well in my experience - different people react very differently, and no one person either here on AH or anywhere else can fully understand your situation as you do. In some ways I can relate - 2009 was a very rough year for me, hence why I all but dropped off the map here at AH, and I know all too well the problems sleeping, the irrational thought patterns, and wondering if I should seek counseling to help me through things.

I can't offer advice - your situation is much too deep and troubling for that. Go at once, schedule an appointment with your primary care physician if you have one, with his help you can rule out any physical ailments that are contributing to your overall state of being, and furthermore he can likely help point you in the right direction of a good counselor or psychologist to help get to the bottom of your anxiety. PTSD? Who knows... could be. Either way I wish you the best man, and truly hope that you find some balance and peace in your life.

 

[Swerd]

Hey yetti - it took a lot of guts and courage to spill that much on here, and hopefully the "dillweeds" will have a heart and refrain from posting nonsense to what is obviously a very serious issue you are experiencing (or perhaps a number of issues as the case may be).

To answer your question, I believe that you're long past the time to see a doctor - hey, we all hit rocky roads at times, there's no shame in reaching out for help, especially when it has begun to impact your life the way you describe. Someone above mentioned why obsess over something that happened two years ago, well in my experience - different people react very differently, and no one person either here on AH or anywhere else can fully understand your situation as you do. In some ways I can relate - 2009 was a very rough year for me, hence why I all but dropped off the map here at AH, and I know all too well the problems sleeping, the irrational thought patterns, and wondering if I should seek counseling to help me through things.

I can't offer advice - your situation is much too deep and troubling for that. Go at once, schedule an appointment with your primary care physician if you have one, with his help you can rule out any physical ailments that are contributing to your overall state of being, and furthermore he can likely help point you in the right direction of a good counselor or psychologist to help get to the bottom of your anxiety. PTSD? Who knows... could be. Either way I wish you the best man, and truly hope that you find some balance and peace in your life.

Some very good points. I was going to post something similar, but I see Halon already said it rather well.

Go see a primary care physician and rule out the possibility of any non-psychological ailments. And ask for the name of a good counselor or psychologist.

Your first post mentioned how you are waking up at night with what might be described as "night chills or sweats". There can be many possible causes of this (some of them very serious) in addition to what you believe might be behind it. An MD can rule them out and steer you to someone who can help with your problems.

Keep posting here - you'll get sympathy, jokes and unneeded audio advice .

Best luck & wishes

 

[lsiberian]

I realize it's hard to go through a break up, but I'm wondering if here mental issues are the reason for her snapping at you. Sometimes folks mistake their own ideas for God's(see the crusades)

Still you need to forgive her the best way to do this is to pray good things for her. It will help you move on and become a healthy person again. It will take time and persistence, but you have to forgive her.

My faith has taught me that God brings good out of terrible tragedies.

 

[Shock]

Not talking to them is for the best, it might not seem like it at the time. But time heals all wounds, and it does. You may still see the scars but for the most part, time is the ultimate in getting over relationships.

First of all, my advice is to join a gym or find a hobby that gets you outdoors. If you're going to take just one step to try to make yourself happy again this is it.

Find distractions and get around other people if possible. I am not someone who is big on psychiatics, especially not medications. The old addage is the best cure is fresh air and exercise.....and you know what.....it's pretty much right.

 

[STRONGBADF1]

Yetti,

There are other possible diagnosis, so, you need to be diagnosed by a professional. You need to do this before any involvement in the military. A major life change could make things worse.

I hope you feel better soon.

Take care,
Doug

 

[mike c]

i really didn't want to mention it because i'm a sorry example of a good christian ... but i am a work in progress.

fact:
-the unequally yolked thing was designed to make sure a christian continues on to live as a christian. believe me, this has it's good reasons.
-i'm pretty sure there's no rule/verse that says she should not talk to you ever again. but it could be because it was hard for her as well to let you go.

recommendation:
-please don't handle a firearm til you fix yourself up

good luck, or should i say God bless!

 

[Davemcc]

But time heals all wounds, and it does.

Not in this case. He sounded like he was writing about something that happened last weekend, then BAM...he says it was two years ago.

 

[itschris]

I was engaged when I was 29 and thought my life was doing just what I thought. I had the perfect girl, a great home, was making great money after working hard in college and my profession. I thought we'd get married, have the kids, the white picket fence, everything. Well... as we were approaching our wedding a she got a new job.. met new people and cheated on me. I litterally walked away from her and everything. I even left the 63" widescreen Mits RPTV behind. I didn't take anything because I didn't want the residue of her on anything I would touch or see.

Ironically, we had made plans to go to pre-marriage counselling because she was a big believer in that sort of thing. AFter we got disengaged, I got a call that our appointment was coming up. I figured what the hell... I'll go anyway. I was devastated, lost, and honestly didn't even know who I was as an indivdiual anymore. I was never one who believed in a going to see a counselor. I figured, who would know me better than me? I guess I went iniitally to spite her in some way. I don't know.

I remember sitting in the parking lot thinking to myself... what the hell am I gonna talk about for an hour with this guy? It turned out to be one of the best things I did. Each time I left, I would think there's no reason to come back... I have nothing more to really say... but each week for the next 3 or 4 months, I went. He didn't tell me anything I really didn't know, but was able to confirm things and regain my footing. Most importantly, he gave me ways in which... tools really... to actually constructively address issues in all aspects of my life and make me a more grounded person.

I'd make an appointment today if I were you. It's no different than having knee pain and seeing an orthepedic. It's just a different kind of pain, but it still needs to be healed.

 

[majorloser]

Not in this case. He sounded like he was writing about something that happened last weekend, then BAM...he says it was two years ago.

I agree. In this case it's more like a festering wound. Time will just allow it to eat right through you if it's not taken care of.

Professional help is called for.

 

[Alex2507]

Professional help is called for.

Get it ???

Okay, fine. Sometimes friends and family aren't enough.

That thing that Swerd mentioned about seeing a doctor to rule out certain physical ailments related to that night sweats thing and shaking comes first though.

 

[majorloser]

For the ex-girlfriend I was think about sending a little different style of professional help.

Ezekiel 25:17

Making statements like,

I am bound by the will of God to never speak to you again.

That's just whack.

 

[Ares]

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.

Buddha.

 

[MidnightSensi]

I think that a lifestyle change could be helpful, but after two years, time should have taken care of this. Something else is going on.

I agree with you to be wary of doctors, but some of the stuff is fairly helpful and he might be a good candidate for them. I had a girlfriend who took Cymbalta, and it helped her a lot. I had another girlfriend who took something else, but it was a while ago and I forget the name. Anyways, some of the anti-depressants actually work pretty well.

In my opinion, the main thing about anti-depressants and mood stabalizers is this: They take some time to work, a lot of them up to two weeks. With that, they can have side effects, but it ranges on a individual basis. If something crops up though, it is important to let the doctor know.

But, some medicine might be helpful for getting 'out of the hole' of depression.

I'm not a doctor, but, I'm just saying I've seen anti-depressants help people. Just be cautious, analytical and diligent about the doctor.