Best one liners you got.....

[itschris]

Don't be Pussy-Whipped! Whip that Pussy!

 

[jamie2112]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

 

[darien87]

My dad's one-liner for how sooner or later everyone finds somebody is, "There's an *** for every seat."

 

[Nemo128]

I'd be your daddy but that rottweiler beat me over the fence.

 

[jamie2112]

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

 

[Alex2507]

I could be your father ... not because of my age but because I f^%&ed your mother.

 

[MidnightSensi]

That was the best thing I'd never want to do again.

Enjoy the seconds and the minutes will pass.

 

[jamie2112]

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

 

[jamie2112]

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

 

[AllenW]

Hopelessly Lost.....
But Making Good Time.

Al

 

[jamie2112]

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

 

[highfigh]

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Isn't that one of the first lines in this thread? Do we have an echo?

 

[highfigh]

I just heard someone on a cooking show say "I'm sweatin' like a fat girl who's writing her first love letter".

On a related note, "You don't sweat much, for a fat girl" WILL NOT be taken in the spirit it was meant.

 

[jamie2112]

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

 

[jeffsg4mac]

I'm as happy as a lesbian with a tuna popsicle

 

[MatthewB.]

She looks like she fell out of the ulgly tree, hit every branch on the way down and planted roots the second she landed.......and you did her.


Buddy of mine in college got real drunk on Mad Dog 20/20 (don't ask he liked that wino crap) anyway he wound up sleeping with this female thing that was pushing 400 pounds. Anyway next morning me and all my buddies were recovering from massive hangovers when my buddy walked in and of course the laughter was deafening.

My roommate woke up walked out and saw my buddy and said, "Dude I surely never thought the sound of laughter would wake me up, I thought for sure it was gonna be the sound of paramedics, a forklift and the jaws of life trying to pry that beasty whale off your face from last night. We figured you died from lack of oxygen and the crushing weight.

We all sat in silence for a second till we all were on the floor holding our sides, I swear I couldn't breath for a good five minutes from the laughter.

 

[jamie2112]

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

 

[vizionut]

hey baby!!

Hey baby you going my way thats all the way Yeah i get laid everytime i say this line.

 

[MidnightSensi]

i'm out like a fat kid playing dodge ball.

 

[Matt34]

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."