Clients from hell...

[jinjuku]

Have a business that I gave a 30% discount on our software too.

They order a door controller from us

They order keytags from us

They order software from us

Eight days before they open.

Keytags require artwork. That is send them for proofing, get the proofs back, have the customer approve them or mark changes, turn them back in and the printing is first come first serve. I always send out a canned email that lists the artwork we accept (formats, dimensions, bleed, non-standard fonts etc). We also list that cards normally take 10 days from approval.

Door controller:
Our controller is TCP/IP based. I get needed subnet information from client (static for controller and static for the computer) hook up the controller, hook up the reader. Program the controller, program an extra Ethernet adapter in my computer and test out soup to nuts.

I have to order from the manufacturer, no you dumb biatch they don't sell these a Staples. I receive it, it gets put on the bench (which is first in, first out) then boxed and shipped.

Customer goes through FOUR electricians until she finds an electrician that isn't 'too expensive'.

I get a call one day out of the blue: Hi my 'electrician' is here. Uh, I don't have time right now. See seems shocked. Wait, you schedule professionals that you are paying by the hour and you don't think to make sure I carve out some availability on the off chance that I might be with ANOTHER customer when you call with them on-site? Really?

So this 'electrician' (notice how I keep putting it in quotes?) goes ahead and wires up the reader and controller. He's done it WRONG. It not that hard:

Ground and 12v for the relay. 5v, ground, Data 0, Data 1 for the reader. Six connections. A single CAT 5 cable can take care of this for petes sake.

I spend 30 minutes on the phone with her and let her know it is most likely the wiring. BUT I will go ahead in the mean time get another controller and reader ordered, programmed, tested and documented working and send it to her to PROVE that our stuff works.

So I ordered some controllers on Friday for customer and stock. Customer emails on Tuesday: Where's the controller.

My Repsonse: They are on order. I have to receive them so I can program them.

This morning I get her husband calling me. Right off the bat: Is this the way you run your business? Me right off the bat: Go eff yourself. And in case you didn't under stand it means eff off. I already TOLD you that your bargain basement 'electrician' pooched the install. BYE BYE.

I sent the biatch an email letting her know we are done with them. Their cheapness, their everything has to be done NOW. They should have had this stuff in two weeks BEFORE they opened.

Here's the kicker:

Computer guy is onsite (not even an electrician). Computer guys are smart. Thank god. I walk him through scanning a card: Yep gibberish is coming out.

He scans the same card again and get's DIFFERENT gibberish. At this point he smacks the aluminum door frame that the wiring is going down through: The reader powers down and stops responding. He smacks the door frame AGAIN, the reader powers up.

Computer guy: I'll tell them its the wiring.

Me: Good luck I already tried telling them that.

This is the first time in almost 10 years that I told a customer to go eff themselves.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

submit it to Clients From Hell
or even better sharky tank

 

[jinjuku]

In that case I have two for those sites:

It's 2000. I have an Exchange 5.5 server and PDC/BDC that I have taken responsibility for since the Biotech firm fired their imported Russian sys admin.

I mean this place has Larry Ellison on the board of directors for pete's sake.

So the domain names where personally registered by the fired sys admin. WHOOPSIE.

So how I find this out is email will intermittently stop working. I start digging around and what do I find? The ex-admin is CHANGING the MX record to one IP address off of our block assignment. Like I'm not going to notice 72.16.134.188 is 72.16.134.189 the next day and then back to 188 the day after that.

The kicker is I have this Israeli that is the president SCREAMING at me: You FIX THIS NOW!!!. I can't fix this you dumb bastard. He doesn't believe me. No matter how I try and explain this.

SO I finally pin him down and get a conference call to NetSol (Network Solutions, the registrar that EVERYONE loves to hate).

It was great, the rep there actually tells Baz: You are sh*t out of luck. The domain doesn't belong to you and there is nothing you can do about it. Baz FLIPS out, red face, vains popping in the neck.

I'm like: what, he can't fix this now? That really sent him over the cliff. He went back to his office and killed about 1/4 of a 5th of Vodka that, ironically, the Russian sys admin had brought him back from his last visit in the motherland.

It was awesome and I still laugh to this very day.

 

[adwilk]

In that case I have two for those sites:

It's 2000. I have an Exchange 5.5 server and PDC/BDC that I have taken responsibility for since the Biotech firm fired their imported Russian sys admin.

I mean this place has Larry Ellison on the board of directors for pete's sake.

So the domain names where personally registered by the fired sys admin. WHOOPSIE.

So how I find this out is email will intermittently stop working. I start digging around and what do I find? The ex-admin is CHANGING the MX record to one IP address off of our block assignment. Like I'm not going to notice 72.16.134.188 is 72.16.134.189 the next day and then back to 188 the day after that.

The kicker is I have this Israeli that is the president SCREAMING at me: You FIX THIS NOW!!!. I can't fix this you dumb bastard. He doesn't believe me. No matter how I try and explain this.

SO I finally pin him down and get a conference call to NetSol (Network Solutions, the registrar that EVERYONE loves to hate).

It was great, the rep there actually tells Baz: You are sh*t out of luck. The domain doesn't belong to you and there is nothing you can do about it. Baz FLIPS out, red face, vains popping in the neck.

I'm like: what, he can't fix this now? That really sent him over the cliff. He went back to his office and killed about 1/4 of a 5th of Vodka that, ironically, the Russian sys admin had brought him back from his last visit in the motherland.

It was awesome and I still laugh to this very day.

Is this an ABC pilot?

 

[jinjuku]

Is this an ABC pilot?

Man, I've got stories. Sadly true.

Another cheap azz client has a server with not so much a battery backup. Just an APC power strip that the wiring fault light is lit.

I'm out there about three - four times a year for misc stuff and we always make our A/B/C list: Absolute need to do, Because you need to do, Could use some doing.

On that list: Get the wiring checked by a qualified electrician and install a battery backup. This guy won't even pay the minimal amount of time for me to double check the tape backup and do a test restore.

So about two years goes buy (remember I have told the owner no fewer than 6-8 times that this needs fixed or something very bad will happen). A BIG electrical storm come through and lighting hits the building. Remember that wiring fault light? Yep, floating ground and the server is dead.

Remember that the owner wouldn't pay to have even something as simple as the backup verified? BTW the DAT tapes were ~5-7 years old

So I'm there with this Chinese guy that designed their custom data application. And we are cycling through DAT tapes with that knowing look in our eyes.

The Chinese guy summed it up best: Theyw Scwewed.

Unfortunately I found out the owner was hospitalized that evening from (if one can be considered minor) heart attack.

People are simply too stupid.

 

[96cobra10101]

Great stories. I got a couple, but to late to type that much.

 

[Rickster71]

Customer goes through FOUR electricians until she finds an electrician that isn't 'too expensive'.

It sounds like the 'electrician' she found really wasn't one.
Probably just someone they knew that was 'handy.'
I've heard that one hundreds of times.

This is the first time in almost 10 years that I told a customer to go eff themselves.

People always want to go into business without enough money and no real business experience.

 

[sawzalot]

I think we get them in every area of Home repairs and such, I am working on a project now where the owner wants stainless trim head screws in 'every' piece of wood on the outside deck, no nails anywhere, so I tell I'm gonna have to charge by the fastner and he says I am nuts so I say go buy this X amount of 2 inch , and this amount of 3 1/2 inch and this amount of lag bolts - all stainless, so he leaves and I am waiting , waiting , waiting , finally he comes back and looks me straight in the eye and says just like this, what is the cost of the galvanized /zinc coated fasteners, they just dont get it. This particular customer has been watching too much holmes on holmes where all they use are screws, but stainless is just too costly for framing.

 

[Alex2507]

It sounds like the 'electrician' she found really wasn't one.
Probably just someone they knew that was 'handy.'
I've heard that one hundreds of times.



People always want to go into business without enough money and no real business experience.

Dude, are you talking about me?

 

[GO-NAD!]

I think we get them in every area of Home repairs and such, I am working on a project now where the owner wants stainless trim head screws in 'every' piece of wood on the outside deck, no nails anywhere, so I tell I'm gonna have to charge by the fastner and he says I am nuts so I say go buy this X amount of 2 inch , and this amount of 3 1/2 inch and this amount of lag bolts - all stainless, so he leaves and I am waiting , waiting , waiting , finally he comes back and looks me straight in the eye and says just like this, what is the cost of the galvanized /zinc coated fasteners, they just dont get it. This particular customer has been watching too much holmes on holmes where all they use are screws, but stainless is just too costly for framing.

I could be mistaken, but don't think that even Mike Holmes would use stainless steel fasteners to build a deck! If he did it on his show, it's because the production company paid for them.

 

[jinjuku]

I think we get them in every area of Home repairs and such, I am working on a project now where the owner wants stainless trim head screws in 'every' piece of wood on the outside deck, no nails anywhere, so I tell I'm gonna have to charge by the fastner and he says I am nuts so I say go buy this X amount of 2 inch , and this amount of 3 1/2 inch and this amount of lag bolts - all stainless, so he leaves and I am waiting , waiting , waiting , finally he comes back and looks me straight in the eye and says just like this, what is the cost of the galvanized /zinc coated fasteners, they just dont get it. This particular customer has been watching too much holmes on holmes where all they use are screws, but stainless is just too costly for framing.

No gold electroplated? You hack.

 

[Rickster71]

Dude, are you talking about me?

No.
I would have said a hundred + one times.
Even when I poke fun at unions...I always exclude you.

It's the natural progression; they end up complaining to friends or relatives about the price quotes.
Then the friends say they can do it, or they know someone that's handy.

 

[lsiberian]

I remember a client at my previous job who called us and told us their database lost records in a medical tracking table that his nurse put in the database. So I pull all the backups and their is no data in the database for these lost records. I check the numeric indexing field and there is no gap. I tell him the database never had the information. He's mad because we don't have daily backups for an entire month. He refuses to believe I'm telling the truth. He wants us to check the weblogs I say that costs money. He gets ballistic insisting we lost his data. I'd had clients with 100k riding on a fix who where more polite than this guy. I marked the school name and my child will never attend there.

 

[jinjuku]

I remember a client at my previous job who called us and told us their database lost records in a medical tracking table that his nurse put in the database. So I pull all the backups and their is no data in the database for these lost records. I check the numeric indexing field and there is no gap. I tell him the database never had the information. He's mad because we don't have daily backups for an entire month. He refuses to believe I'm telling the truth. He wants us to check the weblogs I say that costs money. He gets ballistic insisting we lost his data. I'd had clients with 100k riding on a fix who where more polite than this guy. I marked the school name and my child will never attend there.

Oh, I am BEYOND explaining something technically to clients. They call me up: Show me how to write a report (in SQL):

Ok buddy here you go:

Sub OnReportStart
Var_StartDate = rptFCN.GetDateVariable1
Var_EndDate = rptFCN.GetDateVariable2
Var_Membership = rptFCN.GetTextVariable1

If Trim(Var_Membership) = "" Then Var_Membership = "*"
If IsDate(Var_StartDate) = False Then Var_StartDate = Date
If IsDate(Var_EndDate) = False Then Var_EndDate = Date

szMsg = "Check-in between: " & Var_StartDate & " and " & Var_EndDate
rpt.Sections("PageHeader").Controls("Label11").Caption = szMsg

SQL = "Select Memberships.MembershipName, MemberAccounts.AccountID,MemberAccounts.Sorted, MemberCheckIn.CheckInDate, format(MemberCheckIn.CheckInTime, 'hh:ss ampm')as CheckInTime,MemberAccounts.CompanyName FROM ((Memberships Inner Join MembershipAssignedToMembers On Memberships.MemID = MembershipAssignedToMembers.MemID) Inner Join MemberAccounts On MembershipAssignedToMembers.AccountID = MemberAccounts.AccountID) Inner Join MemberCheckIn On MemberCheckIn.AccountID = MemberAccounts.AccountID"
SQL = SQL & " WHERE MemberCheckIn.CheckInDate >= #" & Var_StartDate & "# AND MemberCheckIn.CheckInDate <= #" & Var_EndDate & "# "


If Var_Membership <> "*" Then
SQL = SQL & " AND MembershipName = '" & Var_Membership &"' "
End If

SQL = SQL & " ORDER BY MemberAccounts.AccountID, MemberCheckIn.CheckInDate desc, MemberCheckIn.CheckInTime desc"

rpt.Sections("Detail").Controls("DAODataControl1").RecordSource = SQL

End Sub

Sub OnReportEnd

End Sub

Sub OnNoData

End Sub



You let me know where you want to start. Our next product won't have a report writer in it.

 

[lsiberian]

Oh, I am BEYOND explaining something technically to clients.

Me too. I just don't deal with them directly anymore. I instead have to deal with bad code and poor interfaces.

I had bad customers as a cashier at a grocery store. One lady was crying because we were out of ice cream. I mean seriously that isn't a necessity. Or how about the person who complained about the taste of the frozen dog treats. Yes they actually ate dog food and complained about it.

Or the guy who would get mad when we carded him. Yeah we can go to jail for selling to a minor.

 

[jinjuku]

how about the person who complained about the taste of the frozen dog treats. Yes they actually ate dog food and complained about it.

Ok, that is funny.

I've had customer call me up:

Customer: The cash drawer report says I should have $374.27. I counted and it's $362.18.

Me: Are you asking me to see what I have in my wallet?

Seriously, some one most likely got busy at the desk and forgot to put $12.09 in the drawer. You can smell the machinery in their head grinding up in smoke while they process all the implications.

 

[GO-NAD!]

This thread is cracking me up! keep it coming!

 

[darien87]

All this computer talk.......................... what the hell are you guys talking about?????

 

[GO-NAD!]

I don't know - but it's funny!

 

[jinjuku]

All this computer talk.......................... what the hell are you guys talking about?????

See? Customers will say this until you ask for $$. Then they become some sort of expert