What's your favorite purple prose?

[Bucknekked]

When I started looking at getting back in to audio a year ago I began reading a lot of the usual suspects at Stereophile and other outlets where they let the reviewers have free reign with poetic license and perhaps too much Kool-Aid. I started noticing a trend of tortured prose to describe the reviewers current project that seemed to have no limits.

QUESTION: What's your favorite quote from a really, really imaginative and maybe physically impossible review? The more colorful the language, the better the quote. You don't have to quote the publication or the author if AH could get smacked for doing so.

I will start by throwing a sample on the table.

"Firstly, as the LS50 is internally wired with high quality OFC Copper, I presumed that the Be Yamamura cables I use as a reference standard would work perfectly – not so; it added to the overblown bass. So, James suggested switching to Chord Silver cables, namely Odyssey 2 and better still Chord Epic Twin which achieved the balance tonally. The change of cables was dramatic shifting the sound to a more acceptable balance, placing bass in context and liberating the treble, speeding up the transients and lifting that ‘edge’ to notes into place. Speaker cable can be a very personal choice, for best results avoid very thin cables or "bell wire" as they can strangle the signals that your amplifier is sending to your speakers.?

That should put some yeast in the dough. I got a bunch of 'em. Tag ur it Audioholics.

 

[shadyJ]

I have run across some real doozies in the past, but I didn't keep track of the high points. Paul Scarpelli wrote a great Audioholics article about this awhile ago: "Literary Transgression of the Audio Community". Read the thread for that article too, good stuff.

 

[Bucknekked]

I have run across some real doozies in the past, but I didn't keep track of the high points. Paul Scarpelli wrote a great Audioholics article about this awhile ago: "Literary Transgression of the Audio Community". Read the thread for that article too, good stuff.

Shadyj:
From your aforementioned article: a few gems to keep the smiles alive:
My favorites include “bass attack” and “fast bass.” My contention is that neither exists

PRaT.” This stands for “Pace, Rhythm, and Timing.” As an ex-professional drummer, I don’t see how an audio component (other than a turntable running fast or slow) can influence Pace, Rhythm, and Timing.

certain words like palpable, muscular, floppy, ethereal, seductive, spacious, taut, delicious, immense, or even soundstage. Treble must have air and transparency. Bass must have authority or be fraught with testicular fortitude. Midrange must be liquid, which very well could make it immersive.

Or a certain amplifier “allowed me to hear details in the recording I previously didn’t know were there. Everything just snapped into focus!”

I know you guys have some favorites stashed away.

 

[MrBoat]

It's like everything internet these days. Every possible interest I have delved into has these 'tools' about it. I did not expect audio to be any different. It hasn't disappointed. Same people, different terminology.

 

[shadyJ]

Shadyj:
From your aforementioned article: a few gems to keep the smiles alive:
My favorites include “bass attack” and “fast bass.” My contention is that neither exists

That is something that needs to be stressed more. Even people who consider themselves more on the objective end of the spectrum often fall prey to this idea of fast bass or slow bass. Its always done by people who want to believe that their multi-thousand dollar subwoofer is somehow qualitatively better than someone else's $500 subwoofer. Outside of response issues and distortion issues, this is almost never the case.

 

[lovinthehd]

Pretty much anything at TAS (The Absolute something or other, biggest bunch of wankers you ever read)

 

[KenM10759]

On a day I was feeling a bit wonky I bought a one year subscription to TAS. It ended this month, no renewal.

The magazine has been a great source...of laughs. A couple of them are on the end tables at my local barbershop, under the Dupont Registry. The old farmers who complain about a $7 haircut get all bug-eyed thumbing through either rag and THAT is the good entertainment value of that $15 I spent, not the magazine itself.

 

[Swerd]

QUESTION: What's your favorite quote from a really, really imaginative and maybe physically impossible review?

I don't read those reviews. They are a waste of time, and don't entertain me.

Your example below is a good illustration why I say this. If this was a review of KEF LS50 speakers, that paragraph has very little to say about them, and says too much about an irrelevant subject, speaker cables. When I've skimmed over audio gear reviews in the past, I noticed that a large portion of the article spoke about other speakers, other electronic audio gear, turntables and pickup cartridges, wires & cables, etc… all irrelevant filler. The author clearly believed he didn't have enough to say about the speakers under review and felt compelled to fill his article with unrelated nonsense. My feeling is that it's meant to ensure readers that the author does indeed understand esoteric audiophilia enough to pass judgement on the speakers, even if he said very little about them.

"Firstly, as the LS50 is internally wired with high quality OFC Copper, I presumed that the Be Yamamura cables I use as a reference standard would work perfectly – not so; it added to the overblown bass. So, James suggested switching to Chord Silver cables, namely Odyssey 2 and better still Chord Epic Twin which achieved the balance tonally. The change of cables was dramatic shifting the sound to a more acceptable balance, placing bass in context and liberating the treble, speeding up the transients and lifting that ‘edge’ to notes into place. Speaker cable can be a very personal choice, for best results avoid very thin cables or "bell wire" as they can strangle the signals that your amplifier is sending to your speakers.?

Don't get me started on how meaningless it is to say "high quality OFC copper". I've ranted over that in the past.

 

[Swerd]

At least "bass attack" or "fast bass" seem to have some basis in a real acoustic measurement. When some people use these terms, they refer to speakers designed with cabinets that produce well damped, or low Q, bass. Other people, including reviewers, do use such terms without understanding what it means.

If there is a single impulse in a speaker with low Q bass, the sound starts and stops quickly. There is no bass 'hangover' where a single impulse rings on and on, as happens with poorly damped, high Q bass. It comes down to speaker cabinet design that best suits the woofer being used (low Q) or speaker cabinets designed to over emphasize bass (high Q).

I guess another example of an overused poor review term is "musical bass".

 

[highfigh]

I have read 'chocolatey mid-range' in at least one review and it makes me want to crawl through the internet to strangle the writer.

Hearing people say that their "new power cords allow their amplifiers to warm up in 20 minutes, rather than two hours"? OK, I admit that some components operate better in a range that's higher than room temperature, but most do not. However, I fail to understand how a power cord would alter 'amplifier warm-up'.

Batteries on cables, which aren't even in a circuit (using the typical definition). AQ has a conductor, the batteries, a switch, an LED and I suppose they use a resistor to limit current to the LED. This is supposed to "bias the dielectric and reduce/eliminate cable break-in". OK, voltage may be measurable on the conductor but there sure as heck is no current in the conductor if it's not actually a circuit. That being the case, how does this bias anything?

 

[William Lemmerhirt]

On a day I was feeling a bit wonky I bought a one year subscription to TAS. It ended this month, no renewal.

The magazine has been a great source...of laughs. A couple of them are on the end tables at my local barbershop, under the Dupont Registry. The old farmers who complain about a $7 haircut get all bug-eyed thumbing through either rag and THAT is the good entertainment value of that $15 I spent, not the magazine itself.

Rofl...


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[Bucknekked]

Your example below is a good illustration why I say this. If this was a review of KEF LS50 speakers, that paragraph has very little to say about them, and says too much about an irrelevant subject, speaker cables.
Don't get me started on how meaningless it is to say "high quality OFC copper". I've ranted over that in the past.

Swerd:
Let me throw a little gas on the fire about that particular review. It was about the KEF LS50. I read it because they are on my short list for speakers. The reviewer mentions his favorite "reference" cables. He describes them and mentions they are $1,000 ea. for a 3 meter cable. Times two cables, that's $2,000 to attach a $1,500 set of speakers. Insult to injury: the $2,000 worth of cables weren't up to the job of running a $1,500 set of speakers.

There was a link to his previous review ABOUT THE CABLES. I followed that and his is how that reviewer reviewed A SET OF CABLES.

"These cables allow my system to come alive with a sense of realism I did not experience with other cables. Images seem to float on a silent black background surrounded by a cushion of air. They provide a great deal of detail without being the slightest bit etched. Beautiful, very correct sounding midrange, liquid highs and very even bass response. They are fast sounding without being "zippy". Again, musically correct, not hi-fi. "

Pick any line in the review: I will bet a tome could be written about each line. I particularly enjoy that fact the cables aren't "zippy" or "hifi"

 

[Bucknekked]

On a day I was feeling a bit wonky I bought a one year subscription to TAS. It ended this month, no renewal.

The magazine has been a great source...of laughs. A couple of them are on the end tables at my local barbershop, under the Dupont Registry. The old farmers who complain about a $7 haircut get all bug-eyed thumbing through either rag and THAT is the good entertainment value of that $15 I spent, not the magazine itself.

anytime you can get guys at a barbershop talking, you've got built in entertainment. Those farmers are probably still wearing their suspenders bought at the Graingers in 1965

 

[Bucknekked]

I have read 'chocolatey mid-range' in at least one review and it makes me want to crawl through the internet to strangle the writer.

Hearing people say that their "new power cords allow their amplifiers to warm up in 20 minutes, rather than two hours"? OK, I admit that some components operate better in a range that's higher than room temperature, but most do not. However, I fail to understand how a power cord would alter 'amplifier warm-up'.

Batteries on cables, which aren't even in a circuit (using the typical definition). AQ has a conductor, the batteries, a switch, an LED and I suppose they use a resistor to limit current to the LED. This is supposed to "bias the dielectric and reduce/eliminate cable break-in". OK, voltage may be measurable on the conductor but there sure as heck is no current in the conductor if it's not actually a circuit. That being the case, how does this bias anything?

highfigh:
Hmmmmm, chocolately mid-range. Sounds yummy. What happens when the room heats up? Does the chocolate melt in your mind or on the carpet?

I have read reviews of aftermarket power cords, I just didn't capture one. I remember one in particular as it was for a big screen/flat screen TV. The reviewer did A-B tests ( I do not know how you could do that blind)
and waxed poetic about the on screen differences he could see. Better plaid in the mens shirts, more accurate Pantone colors across the fashion spectrum, and of course everything was more "vibrant" with the aftermarket power cord on the display. All from a power cord.

Imagine what he could have seen if he had bought a power conditioner !

 

[Bucknekked]

Pretty much anything at TAS (The Absolute something or other, biggest bunch of wankers you ever read)

lovinthehd:
That's a funny acronym. On another forum I belong to at Badger & Blade, TAS is also a reviled acronym by some. Sort of like Bose on audio forums or any other overpriced and under featured product.
The Art of Shaving = TAS on that forum. If you've never been in a TAS store, or shopped their products, they have a lot in common with certain audio products/companies.

For one, TAS does not make their own product. They get well known companies to make it for them and they re-brand it. Whatever the average product in the market sells for, lets say a brush at $50 bucks, they sell theirs for $100 to $200. And they get reviewers to write about it and make videos about it and they use the same purple, tortured prose you see in audio articles.

Lots of similarities.

 

[William Lemmerhirt]

Swerd:
Let me throw a little gas on the fire about that particular review. It was about the KEF LS50. I read it because they are on my short list for speakers. The reviewer mentions his favorite "reference" cables. He describes them and mentions they are $1,000 ea. for a 3 meter cable. Times two cables, that's $2,000 to attach a $1,500 set of speakers. Insult to injury: the $2,000 worth of cables weren't up to the job of running a $1,500 set of speakers.

There was a link to his previous review ABOUT THE CABLES. I followed that and his is how that reviewer reviewed A SET OF CABLES.

"These cables allow my system to come alive with a sense of realism I did not experience with other cables. Images seem to float on a silent black background surrounded by a cushion of air. They provide a great deal of detail without being the slightest bit etched. Beautiful, very correct sounding midrange, liquid highs and very even bass response. They are fast sounding without being "zippy". Again, musically correct, not hi-fi. "

Pick any line in the review: I will bet a tome could be written about each line. I particularly enjoy that fact the cables aren't "zippy" or "hifi"

If only the reviewer would have used some really nice cable elevators, those 2000 dollar cables would've sound at least twice as expensive. Rookie...


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[killdozzer]

Dupont Registry

?? Is this your last name? Not the gun powder Duponts?

Anyway, not to steal the topic; this is not purple prose, but purple brands. I found out Musical Fidelity produces an apparatus for lack of better term, which consists of a tube. You slap it between your CD (or I guess any digital player) and your amp to make your CD sound analogue...

Now, I understand you can process the signal coming out of your CD player before you amplify it, but this simply made me cross Musical Fidelity of my list. Same happened with my long lost love - Tannoy. I really had a thing for that brand (I admit the stupidity right at the start), but they were my choice. Then they started "bragging" (and this should indeed be in the quotes) how they have some cryo parts in their tweeter. My heart broken but we had to part ways. You can see I had no other choice. I mean who does that to people?! Her heart stone cold.

There are very few members here who have any connection with cultural studies or psychoanalysis and love music and home audio which is a shame. There's a treasure trove in a way Theory interprets a specific relationship men have with technology. In short; think of it as women and shoes. Men inscribe a lot and I mean A LOT into technology. It always becomes the substitute for strong feelings. Content gets lost so easily it's silly.

Take Tracy Chapman for example. Her first album often gets cited as one of those glorious acoustic albums, an all time value you can enjoy whenever.

The girl sings about poverty. She came from poverty. She sings and plays her guitar... It is so basic in every aspect. It is a voice and a guitar. Ironically, people listen about that moving and heart-stopping poverty on cables that could get her out of her misery. Cry or laugh.

But, there's another thing. I heard that album many times. I used 'few bucks cables'. For a 2000 or 3000 thousand dollars more I want you to tell me what higher level of insight, what higher level of understanding that message you got? For that kind of money it simply must be huge, HUUUGE. There shouldn't be any debate. Otherwise it's meaningless all over again. Even if there is a slight difference, think about it; you gave 5000$ for that difference and it is so minute that you yourself might not recognize it if you didn't know it is your cables.

I don't know, my cables can convey a female voice and her guitar and my heart can melt. If it wears out for you and you start chasing your first 'heartmelt' with higher buck, you start resembling a drug addict. It is not in your cable!!! It is in her art and in your heart!!!! How hard can this be?

It is sublimation pure and simple.

 

[killdozzer]

It was about the KEF LS50. I read it because they are on my short list for speakers.

This is nice to see. I bought my pair exclusively as a result of advice I was given here. It was backed by many and mostly by KenM. I can't get enough of them. My girlfriend started ignoring me when I speak about these speakers, my friends started avoiding the topic...

I don't care. And I always win cause I cook good. So I make some heavenly mana, invite them for diner, play some Elbow or something and they just start dropping their jaw and I just giggle. I have some musician friends, you can check them out on YouTube - The Ungratefuls, they said they will start bringing their demos for a test spin.

There's a wee bit of black magic in those. And all thanks to Audioholics. (and for free, the damnedest thing)

 

[lovinthehd]

lovinthehd:
That's a funny acronym. On another forum I belong to at Badger & Blade, TAS is also a reviled acronym by some. Sort of like Bose on audio forums or any other overpriced and under featured product.
The Art of Shaving = TAS on that forum. If you've never been in a TAS store, or shopped their products, they have a lot in common with certain audio products/companies.

For one, TAS does not make their own product. They get well known companies to make it for them and they re-brand it. Whatever the average product in the market sells for, lets say a brush at $50 bucks, they sell theirs for $100 to $200. And they get reviewers to write about it and make videos about it and they use the same purple, tortured prose you see in audio articles.

Lots of similarities.

That's funny that there's a forum for shaving, will have to do some more looking around over there at how you can embellish it...there are shaving stores, too? Seriously would never have guessed at either being a thing. Then again I shave as little as possible, never liked shaving, grew a beard a long time ago to minimize it. I used to wet shave, still have my dad's nice hefty safety razor and a supply of blades, too but generally use an electric for cleanup.

 

[Swerd]

The reviewer mentions his favorite "reference" cables. He describes them and mentions they are $1,000 ea. for a 3 meter cable. Times two cables, that's $2,000 to attach a $1,500 set of speakers. Insult to injury: the $2,000 worth of cables weren't up to the job of running a $1,500 set of speakers.

There are people who swallow that "reference cable" Kool-Aid. After a day at one of the recent Capital Audiofest shows, Dennis Murphy and Jim Salk told me about a very serious audiophile they encountered. He dragged his $2,000 speaker cables with him from one room to the next, as he listened to various different speakers after insisting on using his cables. Dennis bit his lip so as not to laugh, but Jim took it all in stride – he's seen it all before.